Shorty holla "Where da ballers at?"

Hey! Nothing is going on in the world of celebs. Besides the regular (i.e. Britney is too fat; Nicole is too skinny; Paris is a stupid bitch). And so today we're gonna try something a little different: CNN.com's Hot Headlines (which is totally different then the Hot Headlines on Hot 99.5 the hot nation's number hot one hot radio station for all the hot hits.....) These are all real headlines people, don't believe me? Then spend the rest of your day checking, i dare you!

• Freed Canadian hostage returns home - What? Since when do Canadians make the news?


• Pimp My Wheelchair - Done and done.


• Teacher robbed at knifepoint for $1.50 - Hey I was really hungry and lunch isn't free you know!


• Boy found wandering airport terminal - Once again, I am just looking for some lunch, god leave me alone CNN!


• Student: Coach forced me to defecate in bag - Oh my god that's funny... and i think it might be unlocking some repressed memor.... oh my god.


• Why were kids given Clorox samples? - Um, cuz they are delicious, duh!


• Cop's Tasering of salad thief ruled OK - Looks like I am not the only one just trying to make it in the world and find some lunch.


• Dog swallows 9-inch stick playing fetch - Oh brother! This is a set-up if I've ever seen one. I'm gonna leave this one up to you readers. What did you come up with? Oh, that's disgusting!


• Country radio still uneasy with Dixie Chicks - These girls are a ticking time-bomb, what if they speak their minds again?! Our children are not safe.


• The race to blast tourists into space- OMG what a great idea! I didn't realize everyone else hated tourists as much as I do. However, I am not sure standing in the middle of the sidewalk with your extended family and a giant map is grounds for being launched in a capsule towards the sun and your excruciatingly painful death, but I guess it is.


• Teens gamble with food allergies - What will these kids come up with next? When I was growing up we gambled with money, but I guess that's no longer "cool" or "awesome". But you know what I think is "cool", teens? Getting off your lazy ass and getting a job! Now go mow the lawn.


• Bill Gates mocks MIT's $100 laptop - That smug bastard who does he think he is, someone needs to knock him down a peg.

And I leave you with this pic of Gisele the only woman on this planet that might get my penis working. She is beauty wrapped in flesh.