The 'Barf's Hot List: A Veritable Who's Who of Sexy Bitches

TOP TEN LADIES

#10 - Tori Spelling, freshly inherited heiress - This bitch just cashed in big time!!! ...unless her mother got all the money... which would suck cuz you know that bitch hates Tori. Can't they just get along?! I think these two bitches just need to go shopping together and maybe yell at some wait-staff, ya know, mother-daughter stuff. I hope for Tori's sake they do reconcile before the widow Spelling passes away, cuz if not ALL that money will go to her illusive brother -who must be gay or something the way they hide him from the media.


#9 - Heidi Groskreutz from So You Think You Can Dance - Heidi dances her little heart out and I love her; I hope she wins. She's a little harsh in the face the poor thing, but she's not as bad as this press photo of her -which I CAN NOT believe out of the whole shoot they chose this one. I refuse to believe it.


#8 - Nicole Richie, comedic socialite - This bitch I love. And now everywhere I go I'm telling sexy bitches that they're gorgeous. The people at Starbucks seem to like it, but it's an even bigger hit at work! "Hey gorgeous, can you forward me the June stat-report. Love ya bitch!"


#7 Laura Bennett, from Project Runway - There is something about Laura that is fascinating, she's an enigma. Her class is through the roof while being a mother of 5. She refuses to dress down and as she puts it: "[Motherhood] is a slippery slope to sweatpants and a minivan." The enigma part really comes in when they show a clip of the referred to "5" that she is mother to, and it's a room full of four year olds, like a bunch of them all the same age, sooooo either she had quintuplets or adopted kids from Costco. (hopefully not from Sams Wholesale Club [thanks Tom!] which is owned by evil WalMart, boo WalMart!)


#6 - Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice - It doesn't get any "hotter" than this fashionista. The commitment she has to maintaining herself as literally a hanger for haute couture is amazing. I think she is made of wood and what we are really seeing here people is a coat rack, we just don't realize because were distracted by her expensive expensive goods ...and fake breasts.


#5 - Mrs. Whibley, formerly Avril Lavigne - Avril I like you all lady-like, and now after your recent nuptials you are all matronly. You remind me of a young Virgin Mary. But seriously, way to marry another Canadian, thank you. We certainly don't want your people breeding with US citizens.


#4 - Holly Madison, from The Girls Next Door - Hot! There is something very soda-shop-ie about this chick, I think that's why Heff likes her the most. She seems like the Mom on Leave it to Beaver ...that WOULD be the show she's on... but seriously she is one sexy bitch. So sexy she needed two pics!


#3 - Katie Price aka Jordan, professional slut - Where does she come up with "Jordan" from Katie Price? And it wouldn't be so weird if she just totally abandoned Katie and went just with Jordan, but she tries to use they both at the same time. I honestly think Jordan might be her stage name, and by stage I mean table-top. For those of you that don't know this UK-sweetheart, she has ridiculous tits -i mean just ridiculous, she's married to this crazy guy -who looks like he is perpetually on spring break with his buddies, and she has a mentally handicapped son. Oh and she writes books! it's adorable.


#2 - Aubrey O'Day, from Making the Band 3 - I wish Aubrey would give me some of her eggs so I can start growing our army of gorgeous children. It's all explained here on this chart:



#1 - Christina Aguilera, from The Long-time Feud with B. Spears - I think it's official Christina finally wins hands down the title of Better than Britney Spears, I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would rather do Brit-knee over sexy Ms. Aguilera. Although, X-tina's husband might actually be less attractive than K-Fed.

TOP TEN GUYS

#10 - Kid Rock, terrible musician - Now I have ALWAYS ALWAYS hated Kid Rock and I still do. BUT he makes the list because he is marrying Pamela Anderson. I bet that midget he always hangs out with will be the Best Man, or didn't he die or something....


#9 - Macy Gray, male impersonator - Macy Gray did so many drugs she actually woke up a man. Be careful!


#8 - Gavin Rossdale, new dad - Let's see... he's married to Gwen Stefani, is looking good, just had a musical golden child and is hanging out with Brangelina. I think he might be "da man".


#7 - Kayne Gillaspie from Project Runway - While Kane is a bit to swishy for my taste this "pageant-queen" queen is hard not to fall in love with. He has an endearing shyness about him that is more humble than meek and I think he is talented. Anyone else smell a love connection with Robert Best? -who reminds me of Beast from X-Men, I wonder if his gym buddies know he dresses dollies for a living.


#6 - Nick Lachey, buffest popstar - Nick Lachey is the only one I hear good stuff about anymore. The Simpson girls have gone WAY over the deep end, Nick was lucky to jump ship when he did. Now if he could only make a good song....


#5 - Ryan Reynolds, the funny yet sexy guy - No one seems to know why Ryan Reynolds was dating (or maybe engaged/married ...not sure...) to Alanis Morisette. She is most likely a witch and it seems the spell has worn of cuz the two are now single... I should probably get myself a cauldron and start concocting something, cuz that sexy man will be mine. oh yes. he will be mine.


#4 - Lance Bass, baby gay - You know I always knew at least one of the guys in N'Sync HAD to be gay. I thought it would have been one of the white guys with dreads though, cuz how gay is that?! (I know, I know, this isn't a picture of Lance Bass, it's of his boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl, but I seriously could not find ONE picture of Lance where he did not look deformed. He is gross how did he get a boyfriend this hot? He wasn't even a prominent member of N'Sync! ...maybe Reichen Lehmkuhl is an alcoholic...)


#3 - Brandon Routh, star of Superman - Superman was basically a huge disaster (expect for Parker Posey and it looked great) but had it not been for Brandon filling every shot with his beefy dead-sexy manliness the I probably would have spent the whole 2 and half hours trying to spoon feed a 20-ft tall (but still 90 lbs) Kate Bosworth instead of touching myself.


#2 - Jesse Metcalfe, manmeat - My boyfriend has a new movie coming out, John Tucker Must Die, and I am really proud of him. I am especially proud of the scene where he is in a thong, I expect some hot bulge action. I am not so proud of Ashanti who is also in the movie. I could of sworn I put her in a rocket and blasted it off to the moon. weird.


#1 - Justin Timberlake, Prince of Pop - JT is red hot right now. He's always been hot, but for the last few years he's just been smoldering, hanging out with that WORTHLESS twit Cameron Diaz and playing golf. But now, as he put's it, he's "bringin' sexy back" and I believe him. But he really needs to get rid of the Diaz. The Diaz, not sexy.

NoVAnians and WashingtonDCtonians!!!!

Someone -I am not sure who, does it matter?- released lists of the top cities in America for stuff! Let's see the results:

Congratulations Burke, Virginia on being the #7 city with the highest median household income in America! Without you the GUCCI at Tysons might have never been possible. ps: Mclean and Langley missing from the list... when the citizens of Burke wake up to a bunch of Mercedes SUV doing donuts in their front lawn they'll know just who to blame...

In the Most Educated category Arlington, Virginia in the numba one stunna!! and then Alexandria, Virginia is number 9 - that's where I went to school! I KNEW I was smarter than everyone!

Washington DC is supposed to have the number 14 most singles. This, I don't believe. I see an alarming amount of hand-holding for this story to hold any water... maybe they are talking about Kraft singles. Those things are gross. Where does the plastic stop and the cheese begin? You keep pushing the line people and there's no going back....

Bethesda, Maryland makes the Top Pricey Homes list as one of two out of 25 cities NOT in California. I guess people in California really ARE better than everyone else. I best move there quick.

The most important category of them all: The Skinniest City!! Well Arlington, VA comes it at number 13 which is odd cuz they have a bunch of Fuddruckers in Arlington, and NO ONE can resist those buttery buns and hot slabs of meat. Speaking of buttery buns and hot meat it's no surprise that San Fransico, Gay HQ, is number 2 on this list. Just try going to a gay bar; you will actually have full on bulimia by the time you leave.

No where even close to me made the Safest City List. But Washington, DC did make #1 on the Most Likely to Get Shot While Waiting in Line for Lottery Tickets list... so that's nice... does GUCCI make teflar.....

And last but not least, the "Best" list. I am not sure what qualifies these cities for being the "Best" besides the fact that they are badass and totally rule. Drum roll please........ my city...... Reston, Virginia....... comes in at........ number 43!!!!!

All in all I feel pretty good about these rankings. Although they did miss a few important city categories like: Biggest Hooters and Where's Da Party At, but there's always next year...

Everyone once in a year, a fourth comes along that's in July....

Happy Independence day bitches! Finally a day where people (and by that I mean only attractive people) can liberate themselves from their clothes and run naked through DC flaunting their rock hard abs and perfect breasts..... assuming that the actual holiday is anything like the porno I just watched: "Independent Penetration Day" which god willing it will be! How come the only mass demonstrations of nudity happened in college, has that chapter of my life really closed? No more streakers? Curses!

• Obviously choked up about the lack of streakers, Denise Richards decides there are too many bad memories in her ex-love den with Charlie Sheen and she is now selling the jizz-covered mansion. Denise has issued the following statement: "Is that your boyfriend? he's cute... oh he's single? nevermind... anyway, hi, I'm Denise Richards and how creepy is it that my perv of an ex-husband has a clothing line out for little girls?! Is no one else creeped out? He's a sick fetishist for crying out loud! Thank you and buy my house." Those are moving words Denise, truly moving.


• The Brangelina child, Shilol, and the Stefanidale child, Kingston, finally meet. The trifecta is almost complete. We need another really important baby created by some seriously hot people and then I am pretty sure the babes will become the horseman of the Apocalypse or something, I forget the lore, let me check with Nostradamus....


• Now this is rich! Kevin Federline is claiming that his first single "Papa Zoa" was intentionally a joke and that he released it so that everyone would make fun of him; but now he's about to launch his real stuff. Sure, K-Fed, you were totally joking. Kinda like when I asked out the most popular girl in school, Katie Hotstuffington, and she had those football guys pour hot gravy all over me and then push me to the ground and proceed to kick me in the stomach a bunch of times in front of the whole cafeteria... yeah, i totally wanted that to happen.


• Madonna is the new face of H&M cuz she likes to rep companies she would never dream of actually patronizing herself (like the Gap a few years back). This makes her feel "street" and "real" cuz that's what Madonna is, down to earth. So long as that earth pauses at noon for tea followed by 2 hours of pilates and then some Kabbalah nonsense and a unicorn ride around the sun. And why does H&M need a big name anyways, it's wildly popular. You can buy an entire outfit there for like 20 bucks, and while it might dissolve in the rain, you still look good. A big name spokesperson almost seems obnoxious, like you need to be reminded that you are pretending to look expensive. I could see the Olsen twins repping the H-to-the-M cuz they look poor... i am genius -their next add campaign should be them dressing up the homeless; "H&M: Now bums have no excuse not to look their best."


• Gisele Bundchen can't figure out why she got hit on more when she was 15 and 16 and just starting out as a model, then she does now at 25. Well first of all, ever heard of sleeping your way to the top? and just cuz she might not be into sucking dick for jobs, i am sure LOTS of skeezy old men still wanted to "help her career" when she was 15; and now that she is a HUGE supermodel and perhaps the most gorgeous woman alive, they prolly just crap their pants at the sight of her. But serioulsy Gisele, thanks for telling everyone that people over 25 are ugly, that's what America needs, and I think she said something about Nicole Richie being chunky too...


• Thank the good lord Lil' Kim is free at last! The BK bitch, a self-proclaimed "dick-ridder", spent most of her incarceration eating pie it seems, but hopefully she got in some good lesbo experiences too; cuz this and college are her only chances to rub on some titties without being "gay." I am sure she will rap about it soon, but I'd prefer she rap mainly about pie. There is a lot that needs to be said.