Everyone once in a year, a fourth comes along that's in July....

Happy Independence day bitches! Finally a day where people (and by that I mean only attractive people) can liberate themselves from their clothes and run naked through DC flaunting their rock hard abs and perfect breasts..... assuming that the actual holiday is anything like the porno I just watched: "Independent Penetration Day" which god willing it will be! How come the only mass demonstrations of nudity happened in college, has that chapter of my life really closed? No more streakers? Curses!

• Obviously choked up about the lack of streakers, Denise Richards decides there are too many bad memories in her ex-love den with Charlie Sheen and she is now selling the jizz-covered mansion. Denise has issued the following statement: "Is that your boyfriend? he's cute... oh he's single? nevermind... anyway, hi, I'm Denise Richards and how creepy is it that my perv of an ex-husband has a clothing line out for little girls?! Is no one else creeped out? He's a sick fetishist for crying out loud! Thank you and buy my house." Those are moving words Denise, truly moving.


• The Brangelina child, Shilol, and the Stefanidale child, Kingston, finally meet. The trifecta is almost complete. We need another really important baby created by some seriously hot people and then I am pretty sure the babes will become the horseman of the Apocalypse or something, I forget the lore, let me check with Nostradamus....


• Now this is rich! Kevin Federline is claiming that his first single "Papa Zoa" was intentionally a joke and that he released it so that everyone would make fun of him; but now he's about to launch his real stuff. Sure, K-Fed, you were totally joking. Kinda like when I asked out the most popular girl in school, Katie Hotstuffington, and she had those football guys pour hot gravy all over me and then push me to the ground and proceed to kick me in the stomach a bunch of times in front of the whole cafeteria... yeah, i totally wanted that to happen.


• Madonna is the new face of H&M cuz she likes to rep companies she would never dream of actually patronizing herself (like the Gap a few years back). This makes her feel "street" and "real" cuz that's what Madonna is, down to earth. So long as that earth pauses at noon for tea followed by 2 hours of pilates and then some Kabbalah nonsense and a unicorn ride around the sun. And why does H&M need a big name anyways, it's wildly popular. You can buy an entire outfit there for like 20 bucks, and while it might dissolve in the rain, you still look good. A big name spokesperson almost seems obnoxious, like you need to be reminded that you are pretending to look expensive. I could see the Olsen twins repping the H-to-the-M cuz they look poor... i am genius -their next add campaign should be them dressing up the homeless; "H&M: Now bums have no excuse not to look their best."


• Gisele Bundchen can't figure out why she got hit on more when she was 15 and 16 and just starting out as a model, then she does now at 25. Well first of all, ever heard of sleeping your way to the top? and just cuz she might not be into sucking dick for jobs, i am sure LOTS of skeezy old men still wanted to "help her career" when she was 15; and now that she is a HUGE supermodel and perhaps the most gorgeous woman alive, they prolly just crap their pants at the sight of her. But serioulsy Gisele, thanks for telling everyone that people over 25 are ugly, that's what America needs, and I think she said something about Nicole Richie being chunky too...


• Thank the good lord Lil' Kim is free at last! The BK bitch, a self-proclaimed "dick-ridder", spent most of her incarceration eating pie it seems, but hopefully she got in some good lesbo experiences too; cuz this and college are her only chances to rub on some titties without being "gay." I am sure she will rap about it soon, but I'd prefer she rap mainly about pie. There is a lot that needs to be said.