Vanilla Ice Dun Nat: The Story of a Hot Mess

or Vanilla Ice Throws People Under a Bus
with a helping hand from Ricki Leigh Jones

Millions of Americans sat silently this weekend as VH1 aired "The Remaking of Vanilla Ice" about thirty times. The whole hour is really a griping saga into the mind of a hot mess. Let's get started shall we.....

Appearance:

He gots to rock the backward hat [that says Dirtbag] ,dog, that's just how Ice does it; and the lip ring and sleeves are to make sure he don't look like Kevin Federline, damn stinky weasel. I'll tell you why Ice rocks the backwards cap, dog, cause he has bangs!!! sorta like a little dutch boy, it's ridiculous! Maybe more ridiculous is his "OPEN" "WIDE" tattoos on his fists, that is truly ridiculous. He is so Fred Durst circa '97.

Musical Ability:

A classic rhyme from Remaking, "Put 'em on the glass, check out that white ass." is only a sample of Ice's unbelievable skills. "You guys have fun workin', I'm gonna have fun jerkin'!" this quote should be put on my tombstone, way to go 'Nilla! Here's another: "You can still train, and do Mary-Jane!" oh, there's one for the kids. "I wanna know where all these goddamn bitches are right now, that's all I wanna know!" well that's not a rhyme but he does say it. On his new single he even uses lyrics from one of his older failures, which I believe says something about "hot cars" and "dun nat" and stuff being "so gay."

Personality:

sucks!

The Spectacle that is VH1's Remaking:

Ice starts out this show that is supposed to re-make his image by firmly stating that he is not changing a damn thing and "it's not about the image, it's about the music", my favorite cliche of all time! Thank God Vanilla says this at least a baker's dozen times to everyone he meets, insecure? no, never! Even stranger is that he says "I don't want to throw anyone under a bus here, but..." right before he tells everyone he's not going to change. Is that his constant threat to people? like "watch out I will throw you under a bus! I don't want to, but I will!" In which case we should check all unsolved bus accident files.

Ice's team of make-over specialists try to clean-up his clothes and hair, but he wont cut the bangs or change out of that Prozac shirt, I think he is the one person that would wear K-Fed's upcoming line, damn weasels. Ice claims he "was turned into a novelty act back in the day" and he doesn't want to be too "radio" now, as if he is was under a spell back then or something. Why is he so embarrassed about being Vanilla Ice? If he could just get over it, we could all move on and stop being so uncomfortable about the whole thing. But he won't ever, cause now he has true musical talent the he just must express and that's why he's back in the biz. He just can't take it anymore, people must have access to his fattest of rhymes.

Perhaps he needs some counseling to get over these issue? Well VH1 agreed and sent ol' Nilla to some group therapy where Vanilla welcomed everyone and I really think opened up. Right before he called everyone gay. Ice refused to participate in an activity where a dudes crotch was at his eye level (crazy man!) cause it was "so gay" and since Ice is totally secure with his masculinity he won't participate. He was eventually asked to leave group therapy for being a douche bag and did some more refusing-to-change with a one-on-one counselor.

I think he also met with some choreographers who he of coarse sassed and lectured.

Vanilla then goes to a jam-sesh with his band and yells at his drummer like a little bitch. I would feel sorry for him, but he's Vanilla Ice's drummer, so......he quits two days after the "concert" Ice puts on anyways. Shit soon hits the fan as a promoter puts out flyers with an old Vanilla Ice photo, Ice then throws a whirlwind of a tantrum, kicking and throwing and demanding he find the goddamn bitches responsible. Watching him try to assert the authority he clearly does not have, cause even the promoter for his own show knows he's a joke, is absolutely priceless, The concert he eventually puts on is of coarse horrible, but he does jerk off the mic stand in one routine. He raps really slow too, it's weird. He says "Kids want to hear the lyrics nowadays." Thanks Vanilla Ice for your professional opionion on the kids nowadays. If he really knew what the kids wanted he'd stop being "so gay."