New Study Says: Get Off Your Damn Phone

So, apparently these new abstruse "hands-free" devices that allow users to talk without actually holding the phone isn't making people any safer on the road. I wonder why? I know that making dinner reservation or dealing with a stressful conference call while wielding the controls to a 2-ton death trap helps me concentrate on the safety of others. Besides, why do I need to concentrate on the road anyways? Isn't the car the one that's doing all the "driving" so shouldn't it be watching where I'm going, duh? It's already enough that I have to actually wait to get to my destination, now I have to pay attention to my surroundings, no thank you! That's it, I am officially taking covered wagons wherever I go from now on...I'm gonna need to stock up on pairs of clothes and salted meat before I try to cross the river though, shit always goes down when you try to cross a river...uhp, see, I told you, Beth got Typhoid.

**side note: If you don't get that last reference picture yourself in 4th grade. Okay, are you getting it? Think harder.....