Bulletin!!!

• The headline Nun's wild dancing earns reprimand shocked the world today as nuns dare to be sexy! The nunnery is furious and will most likely sow all vaginas shut just in case.


• Courtney Love might be pregnant, but I am pretty sure she is having a court-ordered abortion, so who cares?!


• Japan tests new supersonic aircraft. "Supersonic" is by far the coolest descriptor ever, and "Supersonic Boom" will be the title of my first album. (Other first album titles have included: Droppin' Heat Rocks on Your Bitch Ass, Colors for the Mouth, & Dog Parade.


• Nobody likes the Dukes of Hazzard, surprise sur-fucking-prise!


• Mariah Carey has two looks: Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island & Ginger from Gilligan's Island


• Paris Hilton has been seen cavorting around town with an underage prostitute actress and I think it is safe to say she is performing some sort of voodoo rituals on her to steal her youth. You know Paris, you are in your mid twenties, you might want to think about a face lift.


• Today marks the day I officially hate the Olsen twins, before I was close, but now it's official. I am mainly upset about what they are doing to fashion, making bag lady clothes chic should be punishable by death.