Housewives Give Handjobs out of Desperation

• Britain has released a list of it's "most useless celebs", [ for those of you who read thesuperficial, i know, this is old hat ]. And this list includes every famous British person I have ever heard of, like Posh & Becks, Tony Blair and the Royal Family. So I guess people in the UK don't like their own celebs or something... and find their prime-minister "useless."


• I love anything to do with gossip about Desperate Housewives cuz the tabloids always use some pun about being desperate or "Wisteria Lane" like "On Wisteria Lane the housewives are anything but desperate." or "Who's desperate for a hand-job on Wisteria Lane?" or "Which housewife is desperately desperate to give a hand-job?" I forgot to mention the media likes to talk about hand-jobs a lot too.


• Michelle from Destiny's Child eats shit and then Kelly looks at her like she's not famous and I don't think Beyonce even notices. Let us all give thanks to James for sending me the link to this priceless moment, especially since watching peeps fall down is my favorite pastime.


• 8 children were found locked in cages by a crazy pair of foster parents or were they so crazy?... The investigator had this to say: "Basically, the parents thought they were providing for the protection of the children from themselves and from each other. They thought there was circumstances with these children that warranted the cages at night." Huh, sounds like werewolves to me.


• How Kirsten Dunst gets a boyfriend at all, let alone super hotties like Jake Gyllenhaal and Orlando Bloom, is totally beyond me. She has the worst tits in Hollywood and a very harsh face, I mean could you imagine having your pick of any chick ever and choosing her as your number one. Even I would pick a hotter girl, and I am super gay, so gay I can't even pick a female out of a line up. But I can pick out ugly so I would at least stay clear of her.


• A rumored duel between Pam Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith can only be settled one way: a battle of wits, i mean tits, a battle of tits, like a topless triathlon.


• How come I never hear about the fascinating X-tina Aguilera, but people are forever going on about Britney "waste-of-space" Spears?! Look now I'm talking about Brit, oh jeez. From now on I promise to keep readers abreast of what's up with Christina, and speaking of a breast, did she get a new boob job? Now they are REALLY perky and sorta do a ski jump flip up, like an elf shoe or something.