That Old Haunt, The Barbara

I recently had the great privilege to finally visit California! And let me tell you it's da best. First of all Santa Barbara is beautiful, as well as my hostess Lindsay "Skullz" Schulz. I spent most of my carefree days soaking in the sights and sounds of tan people and mexicans. I even made out with a few mexicans, I know I know, but with everyone being so tan it's hard to weed them out.

Some highlights for the trip include: Lindsay falling in a bar wearing 4 inch stilettos and having almost no one witness the humiliation (I believe embarrassing situations should be enjoyed by all); going into an empty gay bar and immediately retreating; watching a chick in a cage/balcony dance in her panties for hours; drinking myself into a frenzy; seeing the movie The Hole(anyone seen it??) and being confused from then on; forcing my SB friends to ask every questionable guy if he was gay (totaling about 50 inquires); struggling to tell the difference between streets all containing "ca" and "illo"; and hot tubbing with a strange angry boy who promised to make me a "star". But the main highlight of my trip was THE MAP OF THE STARS!!!

Seriously if you are ever in Beverly Hills and looking for something to do, pull over and buy a map to the star's homes from one of the many mexicans on the side of the road, you'll be glad you did. If you can't afford a map just go on Doheny, apparently every celeb ever lives on that road. So we started our journey with Paris Hilton's abode, and at this point we were still working out the logistics of the map so we circled the area for a good half hour before finding the estate. We then continued through the incredibly curvy and confusing streets of Beverly Hills and checked out:

• Brad's "bachelor pad", and by bachelor pad I mean 7 story bushes and a solid black gate;


• Hally Berry's beautiful and flowery abode;


• Babyface's people ushering us to pass by before being attacked;


• Madonna's driveway, maybe?;


• The Osbourne's infamous house and gargoyle head gate complete with some of Jack's friends parked in their car outside, pointing and laughing at us for being total creepy stalkers/losers checking out the star's homes. Then as fate would have it we almost passed by again for a second helping of humiliation.

Now the best way to go star hunting is to be in an unwashed Camry with red Sox dice on the mirror this way you stick out like a sore thumb and the Mercedes that pass you know you are star-hunting, although don't hesitate to hide the map taking up the entire front seat of the car when they drive by. It does get a little intimidating at times, I think Lindsay said it best with: "I don't think I have ever been so scared of the stars in my life." But stay in there, the payoff is worth it, and by " the payoff" I mean "the views of celebrity gates."

Now check out these hottest of hot pics!!