Judge Grants PopBarf Restraining Order Against Santa

• Gwen Stefani is pregnant ladies and gentleman. And the sonogram has already shown that she is giving birth to -yes folks- a hello kitty... already dressed in pirate garb.


• Nicole Richie has stated that she likes being flat. Her new appearance comes with all sorts of perks apparently like getting the children's price at the movies. Plus people are always giving her juice boxes.


• Nicole Richie does NOT like Paris Hilton though, despite the heiress's recent attempts to reconcile. Nicole is even said to attend the "I Hate Paris" party, which is a really mature affair. These socialites need to go back to high school and get this out of their system already. I don't like the Pope and you don't see me throwing an anti-Pope party do you? No. I just pray upside-down, that oughtta get him!


• Foxy Brown, who is -and I quote- "a BK bitch that loves to ride dick," is deaf. She also attacked some chicks in a nail salon. This all seems to add up, let's move on.


• Brit and "Spenderline" (KFeds fab new tabloid nickname) are suing US Weekly over reports that they have a sex tape and that it has gotten into the wrong hands. They are claiming there is no tape and no hands. I am claiming they are gross.... and looks like I won my case!


• This story is priceless. Some CARAZIE!!!! (i can't stress this enough) woman has claimed that David Letterman is causing her mental anguish by sending her secret messages through his show. Uh huh. And then the judge actually granted her a restraining order against him. Uh huh. This "mental torture" has been going on since 1993 and I guess more than a decade later the voices in Ms. COLLEEN NESTLER's head just wouldn't shut up and she decided she needed to humiliate herself in front of the entire Nation and form her own brand of crazy. As for the judge, there really is no explanation as to why he's such a terrible judge, but i think it's safe to say he is mentally retarded.


• In a related story Heath Ledger has been sending me "eye messages" through the TV too and I am pretty sure he wants me to stalk and kidnap him so that he can be my eternal sex slave. Done and done.


• Jessica Simpson is all of a sudden really boring and losing her "it" factor. I mean she's hot I guess, but she used to be a hot chick -and mostly likely whore- who's marriage was on the rocks and now that's good gossip. Once a train wreck is cleaned up there is really no reason to look at the crash site anymore. So, Jessica, I suggest you start ruining your life somehow, take some tips from Ashlee, she is an expert.


• Paris has been banned for LAX for bad-mouthing Nicole Richie (despite my previous claim that she loves her). However you would think Nicole Richie would be banned from LAX for dumping co-owner, DJ AM. This story has a lot of holes in it and Hilton's banishment from LAX probably has more to do with her being a whore, cuz that reasoning is rock solid.


• Tom Cruise is a complete moron that over-steps his bounds on an hourly basis and for some reason thinks he's smart. I will relish his demise.


• Project Runway continues to be the best reality show on TV and should be a required viewing for our school children. It's about time 6th graders started wearing haute couture.


• Blow me bitches, and Happy Holidays!!!!!