Jessica, Jessica Simpson, where has your love gone? it's not in your music...

Member that weird song that some Beck wannabe did called "Jessica Simpson" right at the dawn of her A-list status. It was weird, I think the video featured ping pong.

Even your grandpappy knows Nick and Jess have decided to have sex with other people, and we are all upset about it. You know who i think is behind this: Angelia Joile. Or maybe not, seeing as that Angie's stock has plummeted ever since she began toting diapers around and wearing shapeless mom clothes.

The real culprit in the break-up is most likely crabs. Ever since Jessica gave Nick the pubic lice she got from Bam Margera the marriage hasn't been the same. Sure you'd think applying STD salve with your lover would bring you closer together, but it's not the case. J/K you guys, of coarse Ms. Simpson doesn't have crabs, she has no pubic hair.

Maybe the problem is Nick's affinity for strippers. And one might ask, who needs a bevy of hot strippers when you've got Jessica. Well Strippers don't talk and Nick likes his tits silent but bouncy.

Jessica deserves her fair share of blame though. Those school marm outfits are bound to kill any erection for at least 6 months. And the big hair at the VMAs was frightening. And let us not forget how creepy her father is. Nick prolly feels relieved that Joe Simpson won't be supervising his love making anymore. I know I felt relieved when Joe Simpson stopped supervising MY love making... well I guess I do miss him a little.

In conclusion I have learned that trashy tabloid rumors are always true. They might take a while to come to fruition, but they will. So here's a new trashy rumor: Ashlee Simpson and Aaron Carter are cut up into pieces and fed to diseased rats. Now we just sit back and wait.