Today is Wednesday!

• WTF is wrong with Courtney Love these days? Has anyone else been noticing these pics?! I honestly, no no seriously, I TRULY believe that some aliens have come down and inhabited her body. Check out the look in her eyes, that's an alien in there struggling with the one-twos of walking for the first time. [C-Lovealien pics]


• The Search for the Next Pussy Cat Doll is a must see for everyone... except children of course, do NOT under ANY circumstances let children view this. But seriously, it's a pioneer for the last frontier between strippers and tv... did you know the first stripper used to collect buffalo nickels in a raccoon skin hat, true story.


• Rumors are dervishly whirling around about Drew Barymoore being a big L-E-S-B-O. Uh huh, that's right, lesbian. Mmm Hmmm, GAY! And whom is she supposedly getting so very gay with?! I'll tell you! some chick that founded Jane Magazine -which I didn't realize was a lesbian periodical, but I guess it makes sense. I have absolutely no other details but I can tell you they probably wrote a poem about it, ya know since they're lesbians.


• So Anna Nicole Smith died tragically of a love of nutrients. 'Tis a pity, all she wanted to do was inject and ingest different kinds of compounds! Solid food are over-rated anyways. However, I'm not totally convinced she's dead; my theory is she is looking for the LOST island cuz she thinks Sawyer is hot.


• If you've seen the previews for Spider Man 3, you're probably asking yourself: what "movie-magic" did they have to do to make Kirsten Dunst look less attractive then she actually is. Well the technical process is referred to as "woofing", when CGI animators actually go in frame by frame and do something called "fug-manipulation". true story.


• You guys, what is up with Star Jones?! Creep city! The poor woman looks terrible morbidly obsess AND anorexic. Poor bitch can't get a break... I think she should wear like crazy wigs or huge white gloves and try to pass as a cartoon character.

Naughty Girls.

Oh Dita Von Tesse, Rose McGowan and Avril Lavigne, you make being bad look so good. Am I the only who thinks these three girls need to form a group of some sort. I can just see it now, Diton twirling her parasol about - Rose sucking blood... naked - and then little Avril just brushing her long beautiful hair, and flippin' people the bird. Oh, Avril Avril Avril, like a china doll you are. You are the bull and the china shop all at once, may you continue to blossom, and may your bosom heave.

Rose has a new movie coming out, Grindhouse, in which she has a machine gun instead of a leg, thereby effortlessly dethroning Heather Mills as sexiest amputee. As far as I can tell from the previews, she mostly pole dances with a tassle bikini on, but expect other hot vampness and deep red lipstick.... oh, and titties, did i mention that...

Poor Dita Von Tesse just separated/divorced from Marilyn Manson :( Now, who is going to push her swing now?! ...who is going to bake the cake around her?! ...who's going to help her take off those really long gloves? that shit can't be easy! Bottom line is, I'm concerned. (if you don't know whom Ms. Tesse is, you betta axe sumbuddy, hows about Wikipedia! [DITA VON TESSE]

Avril has a new song and I am very disappointed in her decision to try and stimulate me aurally. I really enjoy Avril when I just see pictures of her whipping her hair about. That's the Avril I love. This Avril that recycles Skater Boy over and over again makes me remember that she married that Doogie Howser gremlin from Sum 41. At least she got rid of the ties, now Avril I don't ever want to see those again you hear me!!

NEW Barf's Hot List!!! More Sexy Bitches

TOP TEN LADIES

#10 - Whitney Houston, CRACKHEAD - Where da crack at! Whitney is back and O L D old. she is not looking good. but whatever she is back and sans Bobby. I imagine she will be much like the old Whitney only every so often she'll scream "KISS MY ASS" and hit the pipe.


#9 - Lindsay Lohan's Vag, lazy actress - She is smoking hot, but even hotter is her vag. It has become a media darling as of late and I for one applaud Lindsay for stepping out of the spotlight for a second and giving her downtown lips some face time. Kudos Lindsay.


#8 - Jessica Biel, possible lesbian - So Jessica is also smoking hot, which I guess makes her a lipstick lesbian because as you can see from the photo above she is clearly a lesbian (btw - which one is Jessica?). Maybe hot lesbians are the new trend now that gay guys are p-l-a-y-played ...come to think of it, those girls on flavor of love were always calling each other "lesbo" ...and you know Flavor of Love is the leading trendsetter for our culture...


#7 - Christina Aguilera, former number one sexy bitch - X-tina's mediocre album was two discs of riverboat jive or something. Now don't get me wrong -I love a good horn and who doesn't LOVE a riverboat, BUT it didn't sound updated or chic, in the words of Nina Garcia: "I don't see INOVAtion here." Ain't No Other Man is a great single, but it already takes the throwback thing as far as it needs to go and with most of the album being even more dated -seriously Xtina, is this shit coming out of a phonograph or my iPod? I need a little more 'tude from you Christina, how bout like grab your tit and give me the finger.... hey are you giving me the finger right now? you bitch! who do you think you are?! Avril Lavigne or something...



#6 - Heidi Klum, host of Project Runway - This little button is a minx and cutie-pie all in one! Even though they have been dressing her in some ironically hideous outfits on that show, she still always looks amazing. But it's really when she opens her mouth though that I start to fall in love... huh huh hee hee hee... but seriously... her charm is in her accent and curt demeanor -she is always berating these contestants and being sooooo frank, like: "you didn't do a good job and we hated your designs. We felt your look was OLD and MATRONLY." She's worse than that chick on The Weakest Link, but no one is ever like "oh that mean old Heidi", no way, they are like "my god, her bang-a-tude is through the roof!"


#5 - New York, from Flavor of Love - New York is in the mother fucking house. And now bitch is back on the show. She is (as Nicky puts it) inspirational. Let's hope she loses and goes onto her own show Flavorette... i bet I'm right *wink*...


#4 - Vanessa Millano, Nick Lachey's Mtv VJ girlfriend - Vanessa is a fox and is givin' Jessica simpson a real run for her money. Did you know she was Miss Teen USA 1998, I guess that explains these slutty pictures. Let's compare:

and what is this all about Vanessa... huh... what is this... where did you learn that... whore...




#3 - Scarlett Johnanson, maiden - What an increadibly soft and supple bosom Scarlette has. And those lips! oh my! BTW she is DEF Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive 2006 -the clues were way obvious. This has really been her year -even though I didn't see any of her trillion movies that were out... I don't know how I avoided that... I guess through hard work and dedication. See kids, I told ya.


#2 - The lovely Dita von Teese , bride of Marilyn Manson - From what I can gather this chick is from eastern Europe? She is/was a stripper? I love her so much it hurts? I feel like she might be a vampire, or a maybe a sorcerer, or a gypsy... something with powers...


#1 - This Chick, Jean Paul-Gaultier runway model - She may be a size 20 but she's a number 1 in my book!

TOP TEN GUYS

#10 - Anyone BUT - Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears - Seriously this douche sucks so bad and it makes me really upset. But for some reason he keeps getting paid for stuff. People actually PAY for him to go to a club! What?! AND he got an endorsement deal or some shit! What is wrong with these people?! Kevin Federline is the least appealing thing ever... man he sucks so bad.... he even makes his father,... i mean... that weasel, look charming.


#9 - Steve Carrel, funnyman - While Steve Carrel's latest project, Little Miss Sunshine wasn't the laugh riot I was expecting, it was adorable. More importantly the Office is back and better than ever, the coming out episode belongs in some sort of satirical hall of fame. It felt proud to be gay - imagine that! AND enlightened! I guess being gay isn't that bad after all... except for the dues, they're a bitch. Ya know I don't even think you have to pay dues but this guy at work says if I don't pay 'em he's gonna keep punching me in the arm and calling me a fag.


#8 - Channing Tatum/Wentworth Miller, same person? - Neither of these guys have first names!! sup wit dat?! and with those buzz cuts and matching pointy ears I can't tell them apart!!


#7 - Flavor Flav CRACKHEAD w/clock - This guy gets way more handjobs than he deserves. But way to go for getting any jobs of any kind whatsoever.


#6 - Jamie Bell, unknown origins... perhaps the UK - I am not sure who this guy is, but he's a fashion maven. I like this. I like this a lot. It's like a mix of styles from the last 10 years expertly executed. Pip! Pip! He's fit to be on bloody Project Runway, cheerio!


#5 - Mark Foley man with Candy - Oh man, oh man. A scandal this delicious hasn't erupted since never? ...oh that whole Chandra Leavy murder mystery was pretty good -didn't that Senator pretty much definitely kill her and then got away with it? That was a weird one too, it like ended abruptly. People were obsessed and then one day everyone vowed to never mention it again I guess.

Onto the downfall of Chicken Hawk, here are some reason's why it's so great:

A stuffy republican gets destroyed for being a gay pedophile. Just what the people who voted for him were afraid of in the first place. So now his loyal drones are all confused -they don't know WHAT's going on -all those stuffy republicans will probably vote libertarian next time they're so topsy turvy!!

The instant messages between Foley and little 16 yr old "Billy" are hilarious. He uses what he thinks is teen lingo to seem cool and relatable so he can get into this boy's cyber-pants. Let's enjoy some excerpts of Mark's -what I call- written romance, shall we....

• "did you spank it this weekend"


• I think this one's my favorite... "where do you unload it"


• "I have a totally stiff wood now"


• "[grab] the one eyed snake"


• "i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock" ...my god that one's gross


• "cool hope [your mom] didnt see any thing" -this one is great because it is sooooooooo child molestery


• and last but not least... "lol"

They actually posted those instant messages and more on ABCnews.com. Now the World has a play-by-play of what goes down in a molestation. I am sure the PTA if having a field day with this one.

House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH). There was this guy named Senator Boehner -sound it out- putting his two cents in about the breaking story. Is it my birthday?

#4 - David Beckham, Hotty wit a Body - I have been asking Santa for a Becks sex tape for years now and let me tell ya, that fat bastard is good for nothing.


#3 - Micheal Knight, from Project Runway - Sure he's a shoe-in to win, but the real mystery lies in Michael's sexuality. Huge fag? the official word is no, but my heart says yes. Regardless he is adorable and though he didn't make the greatest first impression I think he has good character and is definitely a great designer. I'm rooting for you Maybe-Fag!!


#2 - Brad Pitt, DILF - 40-something never looked so hot! Brad refuses to get unsexy, he can't! I mean he's got look, a motorcycle AND money -$20s specifically- what more do you people want?! ...and you know a GLADD award is on the way for that shit he said about not marrying Angelina until the gays can get married too ...but to be fair he said "until everyone who wants to get married is legally able" or something -I hope that doesn't include Canadians, cuz that's some sick shit dude... keep that shit in Canada...


#1 - Justin Timberlake, Prince of Pop - Is it any wonder Justin Timberlake is again the number one most sexy bitch. Way to pull through with FutureSex/LoveSounds, you should talk to Christinia about the whole "worth the wait" concept. I recently had the pleasure of viewing said Timberlake at the exclusive 9:30 Club in DC, and it was nothing short of amazing. By the end of it, there was a puddle of panties on the floor -and you know my man-panties were up in there.

Miss me? I know that drunk, Jordan, did. Just look at her! ..that drunk...

This is prolly my favorite story ever. Jordan's husband Peter Andre [of unknown celebrity origin ...perhaps some UK Big Brother? They love that shit over there, WTF is Big Brother anyway? ...besides wack] ..so Jordan's husband wrote some tell all book calling Jordan a mean drunk and alcholic and that she is like abusive and stuff. Which #1, he is like 350lbs of solid muscle why is he being such a pussy about, like "boo hoo, my wife hits me", you would think he would be angry from all the 'roids and that she'd cower in fear every time he entered the room. And #2 they were still happily married when he wrote this book. I mean Peter, give her a reason to drink why don't cha! You should have some spirits waiting for her when you get home, like some expensive champagne that you can buy with the money you made from selling out your wife you ruthless bastard.

Why does Lindsay Lohan's mom even THINK she's famous?!

Lindsay Lohan's mom wants to host a Oprah style talk show. I want to host her lynching in the town square.

Also, she would like to date George Clooney. I doubt George Clooney is interested in crazy bitches that sound like they smoked a pack of Virginia Slims for breakfast. But maybe. Seriously though Dina Lohan -way to set your standards at Sexiest Man Alive, that way you won't be horribly disappointed. She should date that Simpson father, he's a nut-job starfucker too! perfect! oh my god, then Lindsay Lohan will become one of the Simpson sisters! I guess she will be the one with red hair, and then Ashlee will have to switch back to brunette. Then and only then can the three of them fight crime / do a bunch of coke in a club bathroom off their T-mobile Sidekick III.

Bad Idea

This is Heather Mills ex-McCartney. Doesn't she have a wodden leg? Now I have never worn 12" platorm wedges, but I saw an America's Next Top Model where the girls did I am pretty sure they all broke at least one ankle. How is she managing this? Maybe she just hovers? Or maybe she's faking the wooden leg thing to get aboard a pirate ship -I don't know, but I smell fowl play.

Maybe there IS a God

For those of you lucky enough to catch last night's premier of Flavor of Love: I rarely do this, buuuut I am going to make a major shout out to another 'Bloid and give a "must read" to this interview with Toastee administered by the hilarious Michael from Dlisted.com it is wonderful: [ Toastee Interview - Click Here ] And YES it has references to the POOP!! I seriously thought I had seen everything! ...shock comedy for me was basically over ...and then ...a huge angry black woman shits on the floor on national tv ...and THEN she admits to it ...and THEN she says "it could have happened to anyone." It could NOT have happened to anyone. It would have NEVER happened to me. I am surprised she is not literally dead from humiliation.

ps: Thinking about the whole incident gave me church-giggles at work ALL DAYLONG. It was very incriminating.

The 'Barf's Hot List: A Veritable Who's Who of Sexy Bitches

TOP TEN LADIES

#10 - Tori Spelling, freshly inherited heiress - This bitch just cashed in big time!!! ...unless her mother got all the money... which would suck cuz you know that bitch hates Tori. Can't they just get along?! I think these two bitches just need to go shopping together and maybe yell at some wait-staff, ya know, mother-daughter stuff. I hope for Tori's sake they do reconcile before the widow Spelling passes away, cuz if not ALL that money will go to her illusive brother -who must be gay or something the way they hide him from the media.


#9 - Heidi Groskreutz from So You Think You Can Dance - Heidi dances her little heart out and I love her; I hope she wins. She's a little harsh in the face the poor thing, but she's not as bad as this press photo of her -which I CAN NOT believe out of the whole shoot they chose this one. I refuse to believe it.


#8 - Nicole Richie, comedic socialite - This bitch I love. And now everywhere I go I'm telling sexy bitches that they're gorgeous. The people at Starbucks seem to like it, but it's an even bigger hit at work! "Hey gorgeous, can you forward me the June stat-report. Love ya bitch!"


#7 Laura Bennett, from Project Runway - There is something about Laura that is fascinating, she's an enigma. Her class is through the roof while being a mother of 5. She refuses to dress down and as she puts it: "[Motherhood] is a slippery slope to sweatpants and a minivan." The enigma part really comes in when they show a clip of the referred to "5" that she is mother to, and it's a room full of four year olds, like a bunch of them all the same age, sooooo either she had quintuplets or adopted kids from Costco. (hopefully not from Sams Wholesale Club [thanks Tom!] which is owned by evil WalMart, boo WalMart!)


#6 - Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice - It doesn't get any "hotter" than this fashionista. The commitment she has to maintaining herself as literally a hanger for haute couture is amazing. I think she is made of wood and what we are really seeing here people is a coat rack, we just don't realize because were distracted by her expensive expensive goods ...and fake breasts.


#5 - Mrs. Whibley, formerly Avril Lavigne - Avril I like you all lady-like, and now after your recent nuptials you are all matronly. You remind me of a young Virgin Mary. But seriously, way to marry another Canadian, thank you. We certainly don't want your people breeding with US citizens.


#4 - Holly Madison, from The Girls Next Door - Hot! There is something very soda-shop-ie about this chick, I think that's why Heff likes her the most. She seems like the Mom on Leave it to Beaver ...that WOULD be the show she's on... but seriously she is one sexy bitch. So sexy she needed two pics!


#3 - Katie Price aka Jordan, professional slut - Where does she come up with "Jordan" from Katie Price? And it wouldn't be so weird if she just totally abandoned Katie and went just with Jordan, but she tries to use they both at the same time. I honestly think Jordan might be her stage name, and by stage I mean table-top. For those of you that don't know this UK-sweetheart, she has ridiculous tits -i mean just ridiculous, she's married to this crazy guy -who looks like he is perpetually on spring break with his buddies, and she has a mentally handicapped son. Oh and she writes books! it's adorable.


#2 - Aubrey O'Day, from Making the Band 3 - I wish Aubrey would give me some of her eggs so I can start growing our army of gorgeous children. It's all explained here on this chart:



#1 - Christina Aguilera, from The Long-time Feud with B. Spears - I think it's official Christina finally wins hands down the title of Better than Britney Spears, I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would rather do Brit-knee over sexy Ms. Aguilera. Although, X-tina's husband might actually be less attractive than K-Fed.

TOP TEN GUYS

#10 - Kid Rock, terrible musician - Now I have ALWAYS ALWAYS hated Kid Rock and I still do. BUT he makes the list because he is marrying Pamela Anderson. I bet that midget he always hangs out with will be the Best Man, or didn't he die or something....


#9 - Macy Gray, male impersonator - Macy Gray did so many drugs she actually woke up a man. Be careful!


#8 - Gavin Rossdale, new dad - Let's see... he's married to Gwen Stefani, is looking good, just had a musical golden child and is hanging out with Brangelina. I think he might be "da man".


#7 - Kayne Gillaspie from Project Runway - While Kane is a bit to swishy for my taste this "pageant-queen" queen is hard not to fall in love with. He has an endearing shyness about him that is more humble than meek and I think he is talented. Anyone else smell a love connection with Robert Best? -who reminds me of Beast from X-Men, I wonder if his gym buddies know he dresses dollies for a living.


#6 - Nick Lachey, buffest popstar - Nick Lachey is the only one I hear good stuff about anymore. The Simpson girls have gone WAY over the deep end, Nick was lucky to jump ship when he did. Now if he could only make a good song....


#5 - Ryan Reynolds, the funny yet sexy guy - No one seems to know why Ryan Reynolds was dating (or maybe engaged/married ...not sure...) to Alanis Morisette. She is most likely a witch and it seems the spell has worn of cuz the two are now single... I should probably get myself a cauldron and start concocting something, cuz that sexy man will be mine. oh yes. he will be mine.


#4 - Lance Bass, baby gay - You know I always knew at least one of the guys in N'Sync HAD to be gay. I thought it would have been one of the white guys with dreads though, cuz how gay is that?! (I know, I know, this isn't a picture of Lance Bass, it's of his boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl, but I seriously could not find ONE picture of Lance where he did not look deformed. He is gross how did he get a boyfriend this hot? He wasn't even a prominent member of N'Sync! ...maybe Reichen Lehmkuhl is an alcoholic...)


#3 - Brandon Routh, star of Superman - Superman was basically a huge disaster (expect for Parker Posey and it looked great) but had it not been for Brandon filling every shot with his beefy dead-sexy manliness the I probably would have spent the whole 2 and half hours trying to spoon feed a 20-ft tall (but still 90 lbs) Kate Bosworth instead of touching myself.


#2 - Jesse Metcalfe, manmeat - My boyfriend has a new movie coming out, John Tucker Must Die, and I am really proud of him. I am especially proud of the scene where he is in a thong, I expect some hot bulge action. I am not so proud of Ashanti who is also in the movie. I could of sworn I put her in a rocket and blasted it off to the moon. weird.


#1 - Justin Timberlake, Prince of Pop - JT is red hot right now. He's always been hot, but for the last few years he's just been smoldering, hanging out with that WORTHLESS twit Cameron Diaz and playing golf. But now, as he put's it, he's "bringin' sexy back" and I believe him. But he really needs to get rid of the Diaz. The Diaz, not sexy.

NoVAnians and WashingtonDCtonians!!!!

Someone -I am not sure who, does it matter?- released lists of the top cities in America for stuff! Let's see the results:

Congratulations Burke, Virginia on being the #7 city with the highest median household income in America! Without you the GUCCI at Tysons might have never been possible. ps: Mclean and Langley missing from the list... when the citizens of Burke wake up to a bunch of Mercedes SUV doing donuts in their front lawn they'll know just who to blame...

In the Most Educated category Arlington, Virginia in the numba one stunna!! and then Alexandria, Virginia is number 9 - that's where I went to school! I KNEW I was smarter than everyone!

Washington DC is supposed to have the number 14 most singles. This, I don't believe. I see an alarming amount of hand-holding for this story to hold any water... maybe they are talking about Kraft singles. Those things are gross. Where does the plastic stop and the cheese begin? You keep pushing the line people and there's no going back....

Bethesda, Maryland makes the Top Pricey Homes list as one of two out of 25 cities NOT in California. I guess people in California really ARE better than everyone else. I best move there quick.

The most important category of them all: The Skinniest City!! Well Arlington, VA comes it at number 13 which is odd cuz they have a bunch of Fuddruckers in Arlington, and NO ONE can resist those buttery buns and hot slabs of meat. Speaking of buttery buns and hot meat it's no surprise that San Fransico, Gay HQ, is number 2 on this list. Just try going to a gay bar; you will actually have full on bulimia by the time you leave.

No where even close to me made the Safest City List. But Washington, DC did make #1 on the Most Likely to Get Shot While Waiting in Line for Lottery Tickets list... so that's nice... does GUCCI make teflar.....

And last but not least, the "Best" list. I am not sure what qualifies these cities for being the "Best" besides the fact that they are badass and totally rule. Drum roll please........ my city...... Reston, Virginia....... comes in at........ number 43!!!!!

All in all I feel pretty good about these rankings. Although they did miss a few important city categories like: Biggest Hooters and Where's Da Party At, but there's always next year...

Everyone once in a year, a fourth comes along that's in July....

Happy Independence day bitches! Finally a day where people (and by that I mean only attractive people) can liberate themselves from their clothes and run naked through DC flaunting their rock hard abs and perfect breasts..... assuming that the actual holiday is anything like the porno I just watched: "Independent Penetration Day" which god willing it will be! How come the only mass demonstrations of nudity happened in college, has that chapter of my life really closed? No more streakers? Curses!

• Obviously choked up about the lack of streakers, Denise Richards decides there are too many bad memories in her ex-love den with Charlie Sheen and she is now selling the jizz-covered mansion. Denise has issued the following statement: "Is that your boyfriend? he's cute... oh he's single? nevermind... anyway, hi, I'm Denise Richards and how creepy is it that my perv of an ex-husband has a clothing line out for little girls?! Is no one else creeped out? He's a sick fetishist for crying out loud! Thank you and buy my house." Those are moving words Denise, truly moving.


• The Brangelina child, Shilol, and the Stefanidale child, Kingston, finally meet. The trifecta is almost complete. We need another really important baby created by some seriously hot people and then I am pretty sure the babes will become the horseman of the Apocalypse or something, I forget the lore, let me check with Nostradamus....


• Now this is rich! Kevin Federline is claiming that his first single "Papa Zoa" was intentionally a joke and that he released it so that everyone would make fun of him; but now he's about to launch his real stuff. Sure, K-Fed, you were totally joking. Kinda like when I asked out the most popular girl in school, Katie Hotstuffington, and she had those football guys pour hot gravy all over me and then push me to the ground and proceed to kick me in the stomach a bunch of times in front of the whole cafeteria... yeah, i totally wanted that to happen.


• Madonna is the new face of H&M cuz she likes to rep companies she would never dream of actually patronizing herself (like the Gap a few years back). This makes her feel "street" and "real" cuz that's what Madonna is, down to earth. So long as that earth pauses at noon for tea followed by 2 hours of pilates and then some Kabbalah nonsense and a unicorn ride around the sun. And why does H&M need a big name anyways, it's wildly popular. You can buy an entire outfit there for like 20 bucks, and while it might dissolve in the rain, you still look good. A big name spokesperson almost seems obnoxious, like you need to be reminded that you are pretending to look expensive. I could see the Olsen twins repping the H-to-the-M cuz they look poor... i am genius -their next add campaign should be them dressing up the homeless; "H&M: Now bums have no excuse not to look their best."


• Gisele Bundchen can't figure out why she got hit on more when she was 15 and 16 and just starting out as a model, then she does now at 25. Well first of all, ever heard of sleeping your way to the top? and just cuz she might not be into sucking dick for jobs, i am sure LOTS of skeezy old men still wanted to "help her career" when she was 15; and now that she is a HUGE supermodel and perhaps the most gorgeous woman alive, they prolly just crap their pants at the sight of her. But serioulsy Gisele, thanks for telling everyone that people over 25 are ugly, that's what America needs, and I think she said something about Nicole Richie being chunky too...


• Thank the good lord Lil' Kim is free at last! The BK bitch, a self-proclaimed "dick-ridder", spent most of her incarceration eating pie it seems, but hopefully she got in some good lesbo experiences too; cuz this and college are her only chances to rub on some titties without being "gay." I am sure she will rap about it soon, but I'd prefer she rap mainly about pie. There is a lot that needs to be said.

Is that what passes for sexy these days?

Woah Denise, this is not good. You look like you are about to perform a bad rendition of Lady Marmalade at your 8th grade talent show.

Ten Things Happening Right NOW!!! ...or just a second ago...

1. The Rapture.


2. Star Jones leaves the View to concentrate on lowering her eyebrows.


3. Naomi Campbell beats up the help again? you got to be kidding me. Fuck Tyra, get this bitch a talk show.


4. Kevin (one of the creepier ones) leaves the Back Street Boys; he instantly becomes 10,000 times cooler.


5. Tom Cruise throws a fit because people won't pay as much for his baby's photos as they will for Brad and Angelina's. Huh, let's see: two most beautiful people ever have a baby versus a total nutcase/hobbit and a robot. Actually I would pay the same to see both.


6. Britney Spears is donning a new black bob-type haircut and she's giving off a Halloween vibe. Not sure why, just getting Halloween from it, it looks kinda like the wig you would get with a witch costume at K-Mart.


7. Jennifer Lopez embarrassingly forces herself upon New York's Gay Pride acting like an icon or something. She is married to Marc Anthony, MARC. ANTHONY. The gays do not support this, stop spoiling our weekend J-Lo!


8. Rain continues to pour down upon the good people of the Washington DC area. Rush Hour reaches catastrophic proportions.


9. Somewhere in the world a nipple is slipping. Jessica Simpson I'm looking at you.


10. Somewhere in the world Courtney Love is slipping someone a "nipple" -i'm not sure what that's street for, but i'm terrified none the less.

No one likes Aaron Spelling

First of all how come none of the popular 'Bloids are covering the Aaron Spelling death. Wasn't he quite the icon?

Second of all, what ever happened to Tori Spelling's show? It's like one day it disappeared and no one has made mention since? Did the show even happen? Did i make this up in my head like I made up that show where Ashlee and Jessica Simpson took turns putting their heads in a lion's mouth?

Beer Anyone?

Check out the photo narrative of last weekends Festival o' Beer.

Dear Xtina, Love Ya Bitch!!!

Just look at this sexy lady. Her new song is -of corse- off the hook, the chain, the heezy, and any other things that might indicate it is cool. There are a lot of things that make Christina Aguilera the best (...and WAY better than Britney -remember when that was a real competition and not just a glamourous Hollywood starlet v. the bag girl at Piggly Wiggly), but seriously, anyone that wears cut-off denim booty shorts with platform stilettos while out shopping (i guess) is the greatest. I am sorry Posh, but the same does not apply for you; you look like you are about to die.