Nick Lachey & Holme's Alien Baby Sex Tape

• So Katie Holmes is pregnant huh? I thought it was weird when Tommy Cruise kept insisting I spit out his semen in these viles that he promptly stored in the freezer. I didn't give it much thought at the time though, cuz I was too busy being creeped out by the room full of Scientology "faith assistants" watching me give ol' Cruise a BJ. But whatever I gotta pay rent!


• Britney and K-Fed have a sex tape. Actually "sex tape" makes it sound too "sexy", it's more like a sloppy drunken humping tape. Though the tape has yet to make the rounds on the internet rumor has it (alla PerezHilton) that the tape contains disturbing bleeding. This news is gross and I wish this story was about a second Colin Farrell sex tape.


• If you haven't heard about Lindsay Lohan's car crash then you are blind deaf and dumb. Apparently this is front page material and deserves a spot right next to mass murders and the Iraq goings-on. If only there was a way to keep track of Lindsay at all times, perhaps a TV station with up to the minute coverage.


• If Jessica and Nick broke up, I just want to know, is it cuz he's gay? Cuz if he is gay I will totally do him. I know, I know, it's cheap to hook up with him on the rebound, but....


• Now I don't know if this true, and I only like to report the honest facts, but Portia De Rossi only eats meals standing up. However, she throws up bent over. J/K I love you Portia! and since we're both gay maybe we should try hooking up.