Choke a duck with fuck and suck!

Lindsay "Steady-Decline" Lohan is in the hospital again with some other transparent excuse, like werewolf bite or some shit, but what is that sly fox really doing there? Dear Lord please be getting big boobs, that was so great when she had huge knockers, she was like the Skipper to a Pam Anderson Barbie.

American Idol's Clay Akien-for-some-bacon is a huge fag surprise surprise, however will this make him less lame? doubtful. btw, i do an amazing "if i whhhaazz invisabowl...." imitation.

Do ya'll think that Brad and Angelina's baby will have angel wings. I sorta do. And like a mane of curly blond locks. It might even bring world peace. But more importantly it's white. So they have 3 of the pie pieces, what's next? Sports and Leisure?

Brit and K-Fed, I gotta talk about them for a minute. Even the mention of the name K-Fed makes me start to feel embarrassed for him like I do for those poor kids on American Idol. And Britney Spears looks like every other dumptruck i see everyday, dumping around being all frumpy. So together they are an embarrassing dump, way to shit the bed you two!

So the weather has been really warm here in the DC metro area, sign of the apocalypse? I dunno, but it's something to think about.

Riddle Me This

Why is it.....

• that everytime i walk into a bar, all the ugly chicks step to me, man funk that!


• God gives the largest penises to animals.


• that 7 children burn to death in a car. First of all are they mexican, how did they get so many in one car, and how come they couldn't get out.


• Ms. Lohan would say she's a bulemic drug-addict and then turn around and deny it. Sounds like she's on drugs. Alert the media!


• that Da Brat and Liza Minelli's ex husband David Gest are dating. Perhaps they both lost the use of all their senses in some freak accident. Or maybe they are perpetually drunk, or this is some kind of gang initiation, or part of a spell or something. I dunno people, I am just brainstorming here. Any ideas?


• that I sorta hate Colin Farrell after seeing his sex tape. He seems annoying or something and he's a real mood killer. You could almost tell that the chick wanted to be like "shut up weirdo." Too bad her mouth was full of Colin cock ...and pubes, btw, there was entirely too much pube discussion.


• Robin Thicke is my new soulful songster number one! check-check check him out!


• everyone is so mean to Kanye West. People act like he killed their parents, which he probably didn't do. So cut him some slack, spare him like he spared your parents.

Sup My Dogs!

Posts have been few and far between due to super cool grad school Apps, but that just means I only dish the best most-exclusive juice now. Think really expensive smoothie.

• I have some pretty upsetting news about Micha Barton that you guys aren't going to like. It seems she had her period (which is weird because i thought girls under 12, or girls with bodies of girls under 12, don't get their periods. huh. weird.) In addition, her menstrual fluid seems to have leaked through her panties (assuming she was wearing them) and white drawstring pants. I just wrote some stuff that made me physically ill, so
  I deleted it and will just stop here. [The Pic in question]


• This chick "Jordan" [careful some titties in this link] has been getting a lot of attention recently. She is almost an exact brown-haired clone of Tits MaGee, aka Pam Anderson. Why would anyone want a brown haired version of Pamala when there is already a blond version? I mean when you got triple Fs don't top it with mousey brown hair, unless of coarse you like second place. But don't worry Jordan, I hear you take home the gold in the town-bike competition; BTW, winning a slut contest against Pamla Anderson prolly means you have two vaginas.


• MC is blowin' up and you can bet the tabloids have taken note. It is almost cruel the way the gossip sites are blanketed with all these morphed images of her looking like a Christmas ham. However she could lose some weight. She needs to follow the diet outlined in my new book, Recycling Calories: Eating Your Throw-up.


• Pink and Carey Hart have gotten married proving once and for all they are really committed to the lie. When your girlfriend beats you at arm wrestling and you get upset when she uses your special conditioner that makes your metro-bob oh so silky smooth, there is a prob. What I am saying is these twos is gay.


• Hostel is numba one at the box office. Nelly is pissed. But seriously folks, why would you wanna see a movie about torture? Am I the only one that finds torture unappealing?

Out: 2005 In: 2006

OUT: breeding
IN: giving your baby up for adoption

OUT: celebrity cosmetics
IN: products made by someone who knows what their doing

OUT: Mrs. Federline
IN: Britney aka "Cherry" down at the Pink Horse

OUT: natural disasters
IN: supernatural disasters

OUT: Scientology
IN: The Legend of Zelda

OUT: bum fights
IN: The Olympics

OUT: videotaping your drug-lifestyle (Kate & Whitney!!
IN: repenting

OUT: whistle-blowing
IN: mafia death threats

OUT: sex
IN: lies and videotape