I wonder how hair extensions hold up in a fight?

• Micha Barton and Paris Hilton are engaged in a duel to the death. Micha: too skinny? Paris: international embarrassment? Both: petty and stupid? I don't think either one of them has the upper hand in the personality or smarts department so I think this battle royale should come down to who's prettier. It's just that simple folks, and since Paris and her share basically the same body who's more attractive is decided by the face. So clearly Micha Barton wins by a landslide, she has a beautiful Nutrogena face and Paris looks like some kind of water fowl. So now it is up to Barton and Richie to form a ragtag bunch of celebrities to go against Hilton and Lohan in a series of highly choreographed scuffles mostly involving break-dancing and catty remarks -kinda like in White Chicks.


• Sexy sex-godess Jessica Alba is P.O.ed at Playboy over putting her on their latest cover leading consumers to believe the young actress was featured inside bearing her hot body and sure to be even hotter genitals. Oh Playboy, putting Jessica Alba on the cover to boost sales, are we? Well played, well played.


• Hey you guys, there is a show coming (to Fox of coarse) where they lock people underground and then have them fight over money. Well played, well played.


• Jessica Simpson is reportedly getting fat. Let's hope this is just "reportedly". What is with chicks with hot bodies getting fat, i.e. Britney, Janet Jackson? It's like these girls spend all day maintaining their sexy physiques and then just snap and eat strictly Little Debbie for weeks. I understand being hot in hollywood is a lot of pressure, but how stupid can these girls be; that's where their money comes from. I guess these girls don't like money. Next to crack: Halley Berry.


• Speaking of Jessica Simpson, she is definitely losing to Nick Lachey in the post-divorce season match-up. While she was getting fat -reportedly- he was making out with Alissa Milano on Charmed (probably), filming an ultra-hot shirtless workout DVD, banging a chick with even bigger boobs than either of the Simpson girls, and he doesn't have to hang out with Jessica's creepy CREEPY Dad, wanna get the creeps?


• How come KFed is allowed to wear his hair in corn-rows? We should have a government agency to protect against stuff like this. He looks a lot like Corey Clark, and now, come to think of it, Britney Spears looks a lot like Paula Abdul... huh...


• This morning I heard a radio commercial for "Ellen's Futons" and this spot insinuated that a futon would facilitate you getting laid. It even featured some chick saying "There's room for two on this futon...." Now I'm not saying that a futon won't help your chances of getting laid, but if so you must be offering them something pretty bad to start out with, like a pile of hot coals or a bed of nails or something.


• Oh, and uh, Nicole Richie weighs 3lbs. the end.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

Every once and a while a photo comes along that really speaks to a generation. This photo isn't it, but it is speaking to me; it's saying: What is going on? Why does Paris never close her legs? Is she pulling some girl down by her hair? Is she trying to suffocate this poor chick in her crotch? Why does that one guy look so disapproving and bored? Is it the smell of Ms. Hilton's vag? Or he just seen it so many times he's like "oi vey, not again!"? the World may never know....

How Celebs Celeb-rate President's Day!!!

O President's Day, why don't I get you off from work? Why must you be this sort of holiday enigma with no real customs or fun purpose? Couldn't we all at least wear tricornered hats today, or a top-hat for old Abe, it's your choice. That would be a good custom actually and you could see which prez is more popular by the tricornered to top-hat ratio. However it's a little too late for totally awesome customs this year, but maybe some celebs can salvage the day, let's see what celebs are definitely without a doubt doing today:

• Britney Spears - eating and probably farting.


• Pink - sitting around thinking she's better than everyone else.


• Ryan Seacrest - getting botox.


• Janet Jackson - hopefully deflating herself.


• Michael Jackson - molesting.


• Ashley Olsen - sending candid photos of Mary Kate to the press so the tabloids will finally realize she's the pretty one and that MK sorta looks like a witch... and a troll, but that's obvious. {Need proof? Click here}


• Nick Lachey - having sex with a steady stream of various sluts on a pile of Jessica's money.


• Ashlee Simpson - waiting in line to have sex with Nick Lachey on a pile of Jessica's money.


• Cher - checking out her new pad she bought from Vincent Gallow for 4.5 mill and pondering how the hell Vincent Gallow got 4.5 million dollars in the first place. Vincent Gallow is the Brown Bunny guy right? The one that looks like he can't even pronounce the word bathe or hygiene, right?


• T. Rajeevnath - alerting the media that he didn't really think Paris Hilton was perfect for the part of Mother Teresa but rather the frail prostitute with syphilis who is smote down from above for her sinning ways. Sounds like it's gonna be a good movie.


• Tommy Lee - wondering if the embarrassment over getting beaten up by Eminem's entourage for making fun of Kid Rock is worth "ending it all." Mayhaps Tommy, mayhaps.


• Kid Rock - wondering if being Kid Rock is enough to end it all. Definitely.


• Paris Hilton - getting a pregnancy test. Have you seen her recently, either she is eating or she's pregnant. Check out this... ugh, i hate this term... "baby bump"... i just barfed.


• Carrot Top - applying a pound of make-up and then heading to the gym.


• Me - all of the above.

Who Would Jesus Do? Groupie Sluts?

• Do you like your mind the way it is? or do you wanna blow it? Well for a document more "mind-blowing" then Paris Hilton's diary click here to see a contract some douche actually tried to get his fiance to sign before their marriage. It mainly involves her being naked at certain times and having butt sex with him on command. It is both hilarious and profoundly disturbing. It's a must click!


• Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but this guy Scott Stapp is in Creed right? and Creed is a Jesus band, right? While I don't know exactly what Jesus would do I doubt he would get wasted and talk about his penis size at an airport bar after his wedding, however Jesus would prolly demand to be in first class. But unlike Scotty I doubt the airline staff would kick Jesus off the plane and arrest him. [full story on Scott Stapp being a drunken mess click here] So Scott isn't the best Christian and a huge hypocrite but can you really blame him for making a sex tape featuring some groupie sluts giving side-by-side BJs to him and Kid Rock. I mean haven't we all been there. The sex-tape, which has yet to make it's full premiere on the web, is said to have the two musicians gabbing to each-other during their "servicing" like hens at a hair salon. I just hope they don't spend the whole time talking about pubes like Colin Farrell, that was gross.


• Project Runway is down to the final 3 and I think they are all respectable. That's right even Santino (who's my myspace friend, jealous?) Santino might even be my fav, but I like that whole "caught in the garbage disposal and fell into some glitter look", cuz that actually happens to me surprisingly often.


• It was pretty obvious that TomKat was all a show, PAINFULLY obvious. So when Life & Style released a statement saying it was over/was always one big lie, I felt relieved and soothed. But of coarse the TomKat is denying these rumors because denying is what they do best. And you know what, I am stopping right here, I am done with them, they are herby banished from PopBarf until Cruise can admit to being a huge fag!... and annoying!


• Spears says she wants to get back in the spotlight (well in the spotlight for being a musician not a huge mess). She is ready to fill what she describes as a "lull in pop", which I am pretty sure is a misquote. I think she meant she's out of soda, so watch out people she gets real cranky w/out junk food.


• A slimmer Kelly Ozbourne hair is is falling out. Justice is served. But seriously congrats to those 2 Ozbourne kids for losing all that weight, too bad they did it AFTER they were on national TV for 3 years looking like Weebles.


• ps: look forward to PopBarf HangGuy game and a PopBarf LOST page... sound delicious? well it is!

Love to Hate Love

With the worst day of the year, Valentine's Day, looming there is no denying love is in the air. And it smells awful, like rotten eggs, I can't stop gagging, oh god... But let's check in on some celebs, maybe they are having better luck in love:

• Looks like Sheryl Crow & Lance Armstrong have gone the way of the Richie and the Hilton and ended their high profile engagement. I thought they got married like 5 years ago, but I try not pay attention to them, they are terrible celebrities. You know what might turn them around? sex tape. God, I should be a publicist.


• Jessica Simpson is supa hot and since she is presently single there is no man she can't have (even me!); all of those celeb chicks she hung out with prolly hate her now, especially Lohan, she seems like a jealous bitch.


• Flava Flav is an enigma, is he real stupid? just ghetto? who knows. But his show "Flavor of Love" proves he makes a great "Bachelor," much better than that gorgeous doctor on ABC or whatever. I would much rather see a bunch of crackheads fighting over some crack than some southern debutantes try to snag the quarterback. Unless of coarse the show was all nude, then I'd def choose the quarterback.


• Heather Lockler divorced some guy she was married to or something. But more importantly she needs to be in the next X-Men movie as the White Queen, Emma Frost. Comic book nerds, do you feel me dogs?


• Lindsey Lohan is rumored to be dating sniveling idiot Jared Leto. God I hate him. Something about him really rubs me the wrong way; I just don't like the cut of his jib. However there's no wrong way to rub Lohan, except on the breasts, cuz that's just pointless.


• Tommy Lee was flirting with a tranny until he realized "she" was in fact a man, and let's face it Tommy Lee has enough cock already.


• Ryan Seacrest will prolly be gaying it up with fellow fag Clay Akien this Valentine's day, these two are so queer they should have gaysex. But far away from me, Clay Akien is so gross!!!

Jodie Sweetin shoots Paris Hilton in the face

• Oh Paris, will you ever learn not to leave your explicit materials lying about! It seems photos and tapes have been smurfed from Ms. Hilton once again, what a stupid bitch. But this time there are also some missing diaries, contents of which have been described as "mind-blowing." Nice. Now I can relate to Paris, my sticker album got stolen not to long ago and I am still getting over it. I spent so long collecting all those stickers... *sniff*... and some of them were those puffy ones...*whimper*... you know with the googly eyes... but, I guess I'm lucky they didn't steal a bunch of naked pictures of me servicing half of Hollywood.


• Jodie Sweetin outdoes all those Hollywood coke-whores by admitting to being a full blown meth addict. Woah, she is the LAST person I would have ever expected to be a meth addict, I mean she almost exclusivly wore Pooh bear oversized-tees on Full House. Member that episode where that sassy redhead girl tried to get her to smoke cigerettes in the school bathroom and she decided being cool wasn't for her and that she and her bangs weren't gonna sucumb to peer pressure. Anyway, apparently she was married to a cop too, and he "didn't know". Right. More like "didn't know that bitch was dippin' into my stash."


• So have you heard this joke. This guy walks into a gay bar right, and then he starts attacking people with a hatchet and shooting people in the face. Oh wait, that's not funny, it's sick and I hope that fuck rots in prision for the rest of his life. I bet this disgusting human being is the same pyscho that decapited all those pets in West Virginia. Honestly, what the fuck? i mean what the fuck?!