Hey Wilmer, my number is.....

On a recent Howard Stern, Wilmer Valderamma revealed that while he is NOT funny or at all talented, he is a superhuman stud with a big cock that bangs hot-n-horny barely legal celebs. Now this is, of coarse, all coming from Wilmer himself, and if Wilmer is anywhere near as big of a douche as he seems, he prolly made this all up in hopes that it would help him actually score with one of these famous sluts. Does anyone even like Wilmer Valderamma? Are we supposed to like him? I feel like not even the chicks he sleeps with really like him. He should prolly work on that. He can start by making a more gentle face than his usual too-cool scowl. But would i still do him? without a doubt.

Wilmer has claimed that he banged: Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Love-Hugetits, and Jessica Rabbit. Woah, Jessica Rabbit?! She's hot, Wilmer you ARE da man. He also claimed his penis is "slightly larger" than 8 inches. Wow, Wilmer was just serving up intimate details on his life to Howard. I wonder if Stern asked him any questions or if Wilmer just burst in being like "I've got a big dick, and i screw chicks and I'm cool. And everybody thinks so, just ask Ashton." It's true Wilmer, Ashton is a great source of "cred". Keep hanging out with that guy, he didn't get annoying ten years ago..... but would i still do him too? without a doubt.

Shorty holla "Where da ballers at?"

Hey! Nothing is going on in the world of celebs. Besides the regular (i.e. Britney is too fat; Nicole is too skinny; Paris is a stupid bitch). And so today we're gonna try something a little different: CNN.com's Hot Headlines (which is totally different then the Hot Headlines on Hot 99.5 the hot nation's number hot one hot radio station for all the hot hits.....) These are all real headlines people, don't believe me? Then spend the rest of your day checking, i dare you!

• Freed Canadian hostage returns home - What? Since when do Canadians make the news?


• Pimp My Wheelchair - Done and done.


• Teacher robbed at knifepoint for $1.50 - Hey I was really hungry and lunch isn't free you know!


• Boy found wandering airport terminal - Once again, I am just looking for some lunch, god leave me alone CNN!


• Student: Coach forced me to defecate in bag - Oh my god that's funny... and i think it might be unlocking some repressed memor.... oh my god.


• Why were kids given Clorox samples? - Um, cuz they are delicious, duh!


• Cop's Tasering of salad thief ruled OK - Looks like I am not the only one just trying to make it in the world and find some lunch.


• Dog swallows 9-inch stick playing fetch - Oh brother! This is a set-up if I've ever seen one. I'm gonna leave this one up to you readers. What did you come up with? Oh, that's disgusting!


• Country radio still uneasy with Dixie Chicks - These girls are a ticking time-bomb, what if they speak their minds again?! Our children are not safe.


• The race to blast tourists into space- OMG what a great idea! I didn't realize everyone else hated tourists as much as I do. However, I am not sure standing in the middle of the sidewalk with your extended family and a giant map is grounds for being launched in a capsule towards the sun and your excruciatingly painful death, but I guess it is.


• Teens gamble with food allergies - What will these kids come up with next? When I was growing up we gambled with money, but I guess that's no longer "cool" or "awesome". But you know what I think is "cool", teens? Getting off your lazy ass and getting a job! Now go mow the lawn.


• Bill Gates mocks MIT's $100 laptop - That smug bastard who does he think he is, someone needs to knock him down a peg.

And I leave you with this pic of Gisele the only woman on this planet that might get my penis working. She is beauty wrapped in flesh.

Playing with my Monkey

Is this monkey talking smack to me?! God damn monkies always getting in my face sayin shit..... fuckin' monkies....

Hey Lindsay Lohan, I do a good "Brain-dead Moron" myself, but i try to look a little more empty inside

[Click here]
ps: NO, i didn't make this. I do have a real job people!

Hey Tom Cruise! Everybody Hates You!

Well it's obvious. Tom Cruise and Scientology suck the big one.
And I am glad they have made such a colossal stink about getting made fun of becasue now they look even more like sore-losers/pussies and have attracted international attention to the fact that they are sore-pussies. At this point they should just crawl into a hole and die. You know what, I'll even help dig that hole.

But anyway, other stuff is going on too.....

• Prince gets in trouble for painting purple stripes on his rental mansion. I am so sick and tired of everyone hating on purple! Purple is great and you all know it!


• I have "McPheever"!! That's right I love me some Katherine McPhee (from American Idol), last night's performance was chilling! Paula prolly told her: (read in your head with choppy pauses and a lot of strange throat/swallowing noises) "You are a true talent, and you are who you are and i like that about you." ....right Paula....sure... But seriously Katherine sounds great and is also a stone cold fox. I kinda want to bang her and she has pretty hair. I also like my man Elliot who, regretfully, is NO stone cold fox, he is in fact, quite ugly.
  ps: The only way to watch AI is to DVR it and then fast forward through the loads of barf to just watch the singing, the whole process ends up taking about 2 hours less and you don't have to listen to that fag Ryan Seacrest, who i hear is a Scientologist.


• Mariah Carey, I love you. Whatever you do, promise me you will never wear an appropriate amount of clothes. So we have a deal? good!


• Who is this Sophie Monk?? And has anyone seen that movie Cool World where the cartoons come to life?? I am just saying it's an interesting theory on how she got to this planet.


• Tori Spellings parents are furious at her for making fun of their e-bay room on her new show. Tori's mom apparently suffers from spenditis and has a special room dedicated to her hoards of ebay purchases. Finally I have way into the Spelling house, then it's straight to Tori's panty drawer....

PopBarf's Spooky LOST Page Unveiled

That's right folks!!!

CLICK HERE to goto PopBarf's new page full of spine-tingling LOST mysteries.....

I said click here GOD DAMMIT!

beefcake, BEEFCAKE!!

Today is just beautiful! And all you gays in Dupont Circle, DC (and other various gay hot spots) know what that means.... shirtless bikers! It's the moment all those guys who have been working out in the winter have been waiting for, a chance to show off those chiseled abs. And I say "thank you" and "please sir my I have some more" and "damn, baby", no seriously, i really do say this. outloud. to the guys. Maybe not that stuff exactly, but when a buff guy isn't looking I do like to yell "BEEFCAKE" and then have them look around all like "someone talkin' to me? I'm beefy"

I bet celebs are going wild on this gorgeous day; making sex tapes and other various bad decisions. Wait, does that make it different from any other day? Nope!

• Britney Spears is pregnant again. Apparently that truckload of contraceptives I sent her was a waste.


• Michael Jackson has shut down Neverland (because he is like broke or something) and is trying to workout and get more manly. Is this the end of his child molestation days? Oh god no. Or at least I hope not, I was gonna put my kids through college on the mental pain and anguish he caused them and the resulting law suit.


• If you wanna see the cute boy from Fall Out Boy naked, check any website (except this one, i didn't even feel like linking it). It's everywhere, it's prolly on CNN.com, and it's nice!


• I think I speak for America when I say Chloe should not have won Project Runway and that she sucks! and her stuff looks like a bad 80s prom and that fabric made me barf. Santino clearly did wonderful and while Daniel might not be my style his stuff looked good too. Why did they choose her? She must have been threatening their loved ones or something.


• Xtina, I love you, and you look very pretty.


• Alright Avril, you have FINALLY won me over, now that you are all girly and hot, check this out.

Here's Some Stuff and Things That Have Happened in the Not Too Long Ago

• Steve-O pees on the red carpet. Now that's how you define class: public urination. But seriously folks I am sick of him showing off his urethra. So you can pee, big whoop!


• Pamela Anderson, David LaChapelle and that weird (tranny?) with HUGE lips Amanda(?) have been seen everywhere together, hanging out and generally being their over-the-top selves. These 3 are sorta giving me that "3rd Rock From the Sun" vibe, I mean that tranny thing looks like a poor attempt at a woman by aliens (at least they got it right with Pam). If anyone sees them with French Stewart call the cops!


• Jake Gaylenhall got pretty sauced at the Oscars or so it seems. Jake, is that all you do when you get drunk, just make funny faces? How bout some streaking or public urination like my man Steve-O. From now on I don't want to hear any news about Mr. Gyllleeenhall unless it involves his privates.


• Oh man Britney Spears is gross. It drives me crazy, why doesn't she care. It seems the only person that doesn't care that Britney is ugly and fat is Britney, the one girl that should. What happened to young women having low self-esteem and body issues. Can we get this girl an eating disorder stat! ps: she might be frickin' pregnant again.


• Hey look what ol'Donnie Trump had to say about his sexy sex-kitten of an offspring: "If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." Oh my god gross! he then (prolly) added "instead of just sleeping with her!"


• Last but not least: I spill pipin' hot chili all over myself!

For those of you who watched this week's AI vote-off show

Hey Paula Abdul, do drugs much?! At least this is consistent with her previous behavior, that crazy robot!