I am K-Fed Up!

So, K-Fed is really taking himself seriously these days and seems determined to forever remain the laughing stock of Hollywood! The recent launch of Spenderline's website (which I will NOT link to, cuz I have some dignity) must mean that he really is trying to be a rapper and thanks to old fat-tits (Britney Spears) he will most likely put out an album. Wouldn't it be weird if it was, like, really good. I mean Britney is quite possibly the biggest sloppy mess of all time, but when other people take her reins, produce her shit, tell her how to dance and what to do, it usually comes out great (ex. Toxic -and the entire In the Zone album is purty good actually). However I think it would literally take magic to make K-Fed in any form bearable. And I do NOT believe in magic - that's right, fuck you McDonalds.

Merry frickin' Christmas okay!

Let's see what delicious presents I go for Hollywood's A-listers this year....

• Nicole Richie: a walker and/or a juice box


• Paris Hilton: vagina wash


• Heath Ledger: my phone number


• K-Fed: sweet sweet death


• Gwen Stefani: chocolate covered pickles and a donut and peanut butter sammich


• Oprah: a NEW CAR! Oh MY GOD! ahhh!!! *screams* I can't believe it! *shrill house-wife shrieks* ah!!!!!


• Anna Nicole Smith: something slutty


• Mel Gibson: a slice of humble pie


• Tom Cruise: a chill pill


• Mariah Carey: a dose of reality


• Christina Aguilera: some glasses (boy is her hubby fugly)


• Collin Farrell: shampoo and gift certificate to Super Cuts


• Posh Spice: some batteries since she is 65% cyborg


• Jude Law: 12 nannies nannying


• Bobby & Whitney: duh, crack of coarse! -from Nordstroms, don't worry Whitney I kept the reciept


• Jessica Simpson: blond hair dye and profolactics


• Nick Lachey: my phone number AND naked pictures of myself with NICK carved into my bloody chest.


• Justin Timberlake: a microphone and some blank tapes. Start doing something JT!

Judge Grants PopBarf Restraining Order Against Santa

• Gwen Stefani is pregnant ladies and gentleman. And the sonogram has already shown that she is giving birth to -yes folks- a hello kitty... already dressed in pirate garb.


• Nicole Richie has stated that she likes being flat. Her new appearance comes with all sorts of perks apparently like getting the children's price at the movies. Plus people are always giving her juice boxes.


• Nicole Richie does NOT like Paris Hilton though, despite the heiress's recent attempts to reconcile. Nicole is even said to attend the "I Hate Paris" party, which is a really mature affair. These socialites need to go back to high school and get this out of their system already. I don't like the Pope and you don't see me throwing an anti-Pope party do you? No. I just pray upside-down, that oughtta get him!


• Foxy Brown, who is -and I quote- "a BK bitch that loves to ride dick," is deaf. She also attacked some chicks in a nail salon. This all seems to add up, let's move on.


• Brit and "Spenderline" (KFeds fab new tabloid nickname) are suing US Weekly over reports that they have a sex tape and that it has gotten into the wrong hands. They are claiming there is no tape and no hands. I am claiming they are gross.... and looks like I won my case!


• This story is priceless. Some CARAZIE!!!! (i can't stress this enough) woman has claimed that David Letterman is causing her mental anguish by sending her secret messages through his show. Uh huh. And then the judge actually granted her a restraining order against him. Uh huh. This "mental torture" has been going on since 1993 and I guess more than a decade later the voices in Ms. COLLEEN NESTLER's head just wouldn't shut up and she decided she needed to humiliate herself in front of the entire Nation and form her own brand of crazy. As for the judge, there really is no explanation as to why he's such a terrible judge, but i think it's safe to say he is mentally retarded.


• In a related story Heath Ledger has been sending me "eye messages" through the TV too and I am pretty sure he wants me to stalk and kidnap him so that he can be my eternal sex slave. Done and done.


• Jessica Simpson is all of a sudden really boring and losing her "it" factor. I mean she's hot I guess, but she used to be a hot chick -and mostly likely whore- who's marriage was on the rocks and now that's good gossip. Once a train wreck is cleaned up there is really no reason to look at the crash site anymore. So, Jessica, I suggest you start ruining your life somehow, take some tips from Ashlee, she is an expert.


• Paris has been banned for LAX for bad-mouthing Nicole Richie (despite my previous claim that she loves her). However you would think Nicole Richie would be banned from LAX for dumping co-owner, DJ AM. This story has a lot of holes in it and Hilton's banishment from LAX probably has more to do with her being a whore, cuz that reasoning is rock solid.


• Tom Cruise is a complete moron that over-steps his bounds on an hourly basis and for some reason thinks he's smart. I will relish his demise.


• Project Runway continues to be the best reality show on TV and should be a required viewing for our school children. It's about time 6th graders started wearing haute couture.


• Blow me bitches, and Happy Holidays!!!!!

The future is here. It's time we start dressing like it.

If you think about it we live in the "world of tomorrow" right now, minus the hover cars. Our every desire and need has been digitized and then shrunk down and put into like some sunglasses and I'm sure we're like days before robots start being our very own bitches; this is the future foretold by generations before us and it's time we fulfilled that prophecy. That is why I think we should all try to dress a little more futuristic, like so:

Women should dress like this....

and gents like this,,,,

Agreed? Agreed!

Exclusive Breaking News!! Yes, yes, I'll pay $50 for one!

I'll tell you something, Brad and Angelina waste no time do they? Can't wait to get another impending divorce started can they!? That's right, they have wed, or so says my gum shoe Ms. Lisa Spyfield who knows some Hurricane Katrina refugees in Sarasota (not sure where this is) and they were told that the center of the town was closed off the other day -like two days ago- because the two were getting the satanic equivalent of a marriage. The town's square of coarse was doused in pigs blood and the two arrived totally nude while all guests wore dark cloaks.

But seriously folks, you heard it hear first, Brad and Angelina got married!*
*according to a townsperson in Sarasota.

Nicole Richie Dumps Her Man, I Dump He-Man

• J/K! He-Man and I are a still together, when you have a love as strong as ours, it can't be broken. But I am NOT J/K-ing about Nicole and DJ AM, they really are calling off their engagement after fighting for "several days." Apparently working things out is for losers, but sleeping around is in! Thank god, finally I'm cool.


• Making the Band 3 season finale is tonight! And Diddz has promised the public to finally make this god damn band. Piddy makes horrible decisions and sucks at recognizing talent, so I am sure he will cut the two superstars: Aubrey and Aundrea, in favor of that stupid JAP girl Melissa or the unbelievably annoying Shannon. Oh, and he will for sure keep Denosh, since she sucks the worst, is an incorrigible bitch, and black as the night.


• I hear, Michael Jackson is on drugs! I am not sure what kind of drugs would turn you into the epic weirdo that is MJ, but we certainly need to educate our children against it. We'll just show them his face and a list of his criminal charges, oh and some pics of what he did to that poor monkey.


• Dude, all sorts of kids from LOST were caught drunk driving (what?! kids shouldn't be driving!!) including Michelle RRRRod-RRRRegas. Michelle has tequila for blood though, and that combined with performing the sobriety test in a sombrero has got to screw up the results.


• Mariah Carey has got so many Grammy nods that heads are snapping off all around her.


• Coke is planning a new fierce ad campaign (i know what you're thinking, no Tyra has nothing to do with it) and they have clearly put their best men on it because part of the plan is to reveal a new Coke product with coffee in it called "Blak" aka "Worst Idea Ever" aka "Caffeine Heart-attack" aka "Bowel Cleaner."


• Lindsay Lohan blows off her obligations for blow again. But in her defense it was a scheduling error, her blackberry clearly said 9-10:30: coke binge.


• Britney Spears, fearing a resounding "I told you so" from the media has decided to work out her marital woes with ol' Feddy. Plus his rap career is about to take off, so she'd be an idiot to leave him. And we all know Britney Spears is no idiot.


• Fergie finally admits she peed her pants on stage, which is silly for her to do now. I had almost forgotten about the whole unfortunate incident and now it's all come rushing back: the speculation over crotch sweat, the suggestion of a tampon, the horrible realization that Fergie is gross...


• Santa Klaus trivia! Did you know there is only one female reindeer? and of course her name is vixen, that's hot.

Thanks to my scoop scout Nixie! Who's a ten in the face, slim in the waist, phat in the ass, wha' do you want a taste?

I love JT, deal with it! Like I Love You is my ringtone even, whut?!

I am sick and tired of JT being attacked for his adorable voice. Apparenlty snobby Hollywood producers don't think he sounds scruffy enough. People need to back up off my man, everything he does is great and just because of all this negative publicity, here are some hot pics of ol' Timbersnake....



The mother fucker never has his shirt on for christ's sake! Would you like some more JT? Check out these pics from Arena Homme, an excruciatingly tight magazine.
* PIC * - * PIC * - * PIC * - * PIC * - * PIC * - * PIC *
The lore behind this shoot is that said issue was to be placed on stands circa September 11, 2001 and the publishers thought pics of a bloody American were inappropraite at the time, and the mag was pulled... or at least the JT part was.

Season Premiere!

Britney & K-Fed announce their divorce!! ...Maybe!!

I just wanted to perpetuate rumors that they are spliting up, so tell everyone. hey, it worked on Nick and Jessica. But since they are still together I guess they should join HOVA and B on a balloon race around the world in....

Celebrity Balloon Shennanigans Season Deuce Motha F'kas!

A new gang starts afresh on a more fantastic race around the world than ever! Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, Beyonce Knowles, And Jay Zee muster come dawn at Big Ben to launch into the sunset on their travels.

Brit & K-F'ayed show up drunk... and horny. This should keep them from fighting until they sober up ...or finish up. The baby might be drunk too.
Beyonce is "really excited ya'll" and entirely overdressed. Jay-Z is cool as ice. These two are a shoe-in to win the match and are way overdue for a retarded -but shorter to type- nickname. Let's see here, Beyonce Knowles & Jay-Z, how 'bout: Jayonce? B-Z? Beyon-Z? oh! Jowles. That's a good one. You know whose got some jowls: Demi Moore.

Next time on Celeb BS (balloon shennanigans)....
K-Fed kills a stripper. accidently?
Beyonce's sequined booty shorts attract some unwanted gull attention.

Man Versus Beast Easily The Best TV Show Ever

Fox Reailty, a cable station that is locatable only by blind luck, has a gem on it's hands. The precious gemstone is called Man vs Beast and it pins extraordinary human beings against the animal kingdom. They do things, like... oh, have a team of midgets -referred to by the host as "Team Little People"- race a camel! Or maybe like... get 44 midgets to verse an elephant in a strength contest. I don't know what genius thought of this idea, but he deserves the nobel prize. Oh! I know what genius thought of this: Me, that's who! If one more studio exec steals my thoughts I swear to god......

BONUS WEIRDNESS!

These are the lounge-o-leers and you must check out some of their tunes. I don't get it? Is it a joke? Are they serious? Are they foreign?