Is that what passes for sexy these days?

Woah Denise, this is not good. You look like you are about to perform a bad rendition of Lady Marmalade at your 8th grade talent show.

Ten Things Happening Right NOW!!! ...or just a second ago...

1. The Rapture.


2. Star Jones leaves the View to concentrate on lowering her eyebrows.


3. Naomi Campbell beats up the help again? you got to be kidding me. Fuck Tyra, get this bitch a talk show.


4. Kevin (one of the creepier ones) leaves the Back Street Boys; he instantly becomes 10,000 times cooler.


5. Tom Cruise throws a fit because people won't pay as much for his baby's photos as they will for Brad and Angelina's. Huh, let's see: two most beautiful people ever have a baby versus a total nutcase/hobbit and a robot. Actually I would pay the same to see both.


6. Britney Spears is donning a new black bob-type haircut and she's giving off a Halloween vibe. Not sure why, just getting Halloween from it, it looks kinda like the wig you would get with a witch costume at K-Mart.


7. Jennifer Lopez embarrassingly forces herself upon New York's Gay Pride acting like an icon or something. She is married to Marc Anthony, MARC. ANTHONY. The gays do not support this, stop spoiling our weekend J-Lo!


8. Rain continues to pour down upon the good people of the Washington DC area. Rush Hour reaches catastrophic proportions.


9. Somewhere in the world a nipple is slipping. Jessica Simpson I'm looking at you.


10. Somewhere in the world Courtney Love is slipping someone a "nipple" -i'm not sure what that's street for, but i'm terrified none the less.

No one likes Aaron Spelling

First of all how come none of the popular 'Bloids are covering the Aaron Spelling death. Wasn't he quite the icon?

Second of all, what ever happened to Tori Spelling's show? It's like one day it disappeared and no one has made mention since? Did the show even happen? Did i make this up in my head like I made up that show where Ashlee and Jessica Simpson took turns putting their heads in a lion's mouth?

Beer Anyone?

Check out the photo narrative of last weekends Festival o' Beer.

Dear Xtina, Love Ya Bitch!!!

Just look at this sexy lady. Her new song is -of corse- off the hook, the chain, the heezy, and any other things that might indicate it is cool. There are a lot of things that make Christina Aguilera the best (...and WAY better than Britney -remember when that was a real competition and not just a glamourous Hollywood starlet v. the bag girl at Piggly Wiggly), but seriously, anyone that wears cut-off denim booty shorts with platform stilettos while out shopping (i guess) is the greatest. I am sorry Posh, but the same does not apply for you; you look like you are about to die.

Slutty Gossip

• Dustin Diamond -future pornstar probably- and Screetch from Saved by the Bell is in danger of losing his house unless he comes up with 250 Gs; and he is asking for fan support to raise this absurd money. How dare he act like he deserves people's hard earned money! Just move god dammit! or enter in a big talent show mere hours away from forclosure like the Brady's or some shit. But you stay away from my cheese you pimply geek!


• Bandon Davis, America's favorite shit-talker, is set to enter rehab for his addiction to cocaine, alchol and douching. An excorsim would probably be more effective on that greasy tubby little brat.


• Tom Cruise is apparently "Hollywood’s most bankable actor." WTF?! Is Scientology paying people off? I have never meet anyone who doesn't HATE Tom Cruise (of corse my friends are cool though) so how does he still have any street cred or fan base?! The man is a lunitic. Nuff said.


• Reese Witherspoon, stop having babies! I am sick of it!


• Hey Tori Spelling? Love ya bitch! - Yo Jesse Metcalfe, fuck me! - K-fed, you stay the hell away from me... god damn stinky weasel...

• Jake Gyllenhall, I love you to pieces, but please stopping wearing work out clothes 24/7. We get it, you work out, you don't need to impress us, you are already hot. Now what would be hot is if you dressed all slick and shit and shaved and such ...and got naked...


• I hate you Nelly Furtado.

Fresh Meat Update: 'Sodes One and Two

'Sode One

Worlds collide on the premiere episode of the challenge as those who have earned their dues -by experiencing at least one season of invasive reality stardom- are introduced to those who have no idea what they're getting themselves into. Then they pair off into hetro groups so they can all breed or something. I feel like they chose some good couples; highlights include:

Katie & Eric

These two are terrible competitors, I am sure they can drink and smoke like none other, but when it comes to the intense endurance and psychical finesse of a mission they'll crumble. Thank god the Austin cast is there to distract everyone from the fact that Katie and Eric are so terrible, or they would get voted off right quick! or would they? Would you not want to be rid of the best teams and keep terrible people around so you could easily defeat your opponent at the end? Team SuperCoral better hope they never lose or their asses is going in...

Speaking of Which... Team SuperCoral

Team SuperCoral consists of Coral and Superman (Evan) and they are apparently unstoppable, Evan looks kinda like Britney Spear's new manny by the way.

Johnnie & Tonya

I am pretty sure this guy is psychically abusing Tonya. He fer sure is already emotionally abusing her. She needs to goto a shelter, there is something wrong with this guy!

Breakdown

So team SuperCoral wins the first two challenges, the others scoff - Danny and Ev & Wes and Blond-Girl go into exile - Danny and Ev suck the big one and go home - We never get to see what would have come of Ev's pouty drunken lesbian antics - I think we all get a little sad - however it put the ball in motion for the steady and efficient demise of the Austin cast, those bitches.

Second 'Sode

Things take a turn for the serious in the second 'sode when Diem tells Derrick she is battling cancer and has come on the challenge right before starting treatment. I am glad she has Derrick as a team mate, as drunk as he is he seems like a good-hearted guy. And I smell love connection.

The challenge is forgettable yet again; all of them so far have been the same basic test of strength and balance, perhaps that's why Coral and Evan keep winning, cuz they win this challenge too. Eventually the other meat-heads there, especially the ones with anger problems -I'm talking to you Johnnie- are going to snap and kill these two. Who knew Coral was that athletic?


Coral and Evan chose Melinda and Ryan to go into exile, which is fine with me, they are pretty useless. It's probably best to get the gays off the show as quickly as possible anyways. You never know who they might recruit through the TV with their "mind waves".

The rest of the cast begins to chose Johanna in but Wes comes to her rescue with an obnoxious display of self-importance complete with a insolent soliloquy about how he couldn't live with himself if Johanna went in and other cliches he barfed up. So now Wes will be competing in "the jungle jam" again and every time until he goes home probably.

Good luck Melinda and Ryan, I hate you less! Can they both go home? Perhaps we could replace them with two Brads....


Brad, how I miss you. Love ya bitch.

Who's Gay in Hollywood?!

Enticing title, eh? If anyone does know who be gay in the Bizz, let me know so I can stalk them; I'm trying to be rich and famous, but not in a "i worked for it" way so much as "i spend the money and look good in the tabloids" kinda way. Kinda like Kobe's wife. I wonder if he's gay? He clearly has no problem forking over his children's college funds for an "i'm sorry" ring. Jackpot! (Who am I kidding he would have to have like 80 kids going to ivy league schools to equal the cost of that ridiculous purple slab of diamond he bought for Vanessa - it was $40 mil. i think. Who needs 40 millions dollars condensed down into the size of a quarter?! The preciousness is so dense It's overwhelming; I would buckle under the constant stress).

-@-note: I do have one answer for who's a flaming queer: Ryan Flamer Seacrest!!! ...and ricky martin...-@-

Real CNN.com headlines!!!! yeah, we love those! wahoo! yipee!!!

• [LINK] Bush to back constitutional ban on gay marriage - Yeah, he would do that. This struggle is not about rights it's about religion, and that's not fair. America, who has deeply regretted injustices in the past, should wake up for once and STOP trying to make this thing a Constitutional Amendment, that is taking it way too far. It is like they are lining up all the gays and then are going down in a row -one by one- giving us all one big hard slap in the face. those mother fuckers....


• [LINK] College Student Makes Millions Between Classes - I F-ing hate stories like this, it makes every college kid feel like a loser for not already making those big bucks. It's like they're saying to you: "these kid's stupid idea they all came up with while sitting around drunk and stoned worked for them, how come your ideas never work, loser!" That's it; I AM gonna make that toothbrush that plays mp3s.


• [LINK] Thailand coping with odd yellow shirt shortage - But that's where they make the shirts, can't they just make some more? I am so confused. That's like the ocean running out of water. Are we out of the color yellow? Oh shit, we must be. Bees are going to be worth a fortune now!


• [LINK] Two Found Dead Inside Deflated Balloon - This story is really sad actually. Both these kids were 21 and college students and they were just going to climb into this balloon and it was gonna be all fun and silly, ya know, a real larf. Next thing you know they're dead. It was probably those stoned kids that were making all those millions ...at least i hope so.

Celebrity Happenings

• OFF: Matthew MaConaughey & Penelope Cruz, who are sexy as all hell, have stopped making love, possibly for good.


• ON: Jake Gyllenhall, Bohemian-boyfriend gold, is now dating Natlie Portman and I bet Kirsten Dunst is fuming; I'd like to see those two hipsters have at it ...scraps of vintage tee flying everywhere... headbands and scarves barely recognizable....


• Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, so does this mean she's gonna get all fat again? Or is she going to be a lean pregnancy, like Debra Messing or Angelina Jolie? I have a feeling she prolly just inflate herself back to a size 32 in a few weeks.


• Paris Hilton, who has a catchy new single, was recently filmed pullin' up to some hot club doing what looked like drugs!!!! By the smoke in the car and her surprised and spastic body language when realizing she was caught I think we can safely deduce that Paris was smokin' a doobie, or maybe a roach. Paris is denying the allegations insisting she was "just smoking laxatives cuz it helps you get skinner right as you hit the club. Get skinny girls! You're fat!"


• Oh Beyonce! Oh why, oh why!!! Beyonce recently performed at a WALMART Shareholders meeting. And i officially hate that bitch now. WTF, Beyonce, WTF!!!! I'm going to send her a box of WalMart's patented "Box of Underage Sweat-Shop Worker Fingers Worn to the Bone" or perhaps one of the gift baskets of broken dreams and poverty that WalMart issues out to most of middle America and then we'll see if she whores herself out again to those greedy pigs. bitch.

Bitter Ramblings

• I hate the metro. It's so inhumanely crowded I feel like a giant blade is going to come chop all our heads off and then they'll make us into some sort of Perdu "Quik Strip".

Great News Everybody! RW v. RR Challenge Updates are Back in Style!

Some of you may not know this, but once upon a time PopBarf was called PurePrattle and the cornerstone of said blog was GLORIOUS posts about each weeks episode of the Inferno Gauntlet: Battle of the Sexes v. The Good Guys or Someshit. However the last RW/RR Challenge sucked donkey balls; it was super boring -even though it had frickin' nut-jobs on it like Jo and Beth. Someone over at Mtv knows what they are doing though because this one is great. I have only seen 2 episodes but I can FEEL the greatness in my bones people; It's probably cuz Tonya's back.

The Castmates!

Ah, the classics. These castmates are like a cup of coca on a fuzzy armchair with the sunday paper when the smell of morn....

Coral is a bitch and she knows it ykn'wadisayin. She's bad to the bone and has huge breasts. She tells it like it is and her breasts do the all the talking... whatever that means..... But seriously she is great and it makes me feel good to know she's there stirring up the pot ...that scoundrel!



Now Katie I like. This bitch is like seriously down. I haven't ever really seen anything like it. She is this under-dog whipping-boy that is tortured by everyone else but she just pushes forth and onward towards victory. She's like Scrappy Doo.



Tina's index finger will also be on the show waving around while berating people and pausing all the time , like: "I will NOT.....(whips head to the side -looks away) .....I will NOT......... stand for this."



Oh yeah, this is great, love me some Tonya. I have missed her so, on a crisp night in Autumn I swear I can still hear her complain.... "....i hate you beth... ...this is too hard... ...I'm una dump all your shit in the pool..." what a little firecracker, that one.



Derrick, also a candidate for Scrappy Doo, is some sort of athletic machine that runs on alcohol. He should probably be turned over to scientists.



Hey Everyone it's Theo! Oh hey, was up Theo! What a great guy! Your the life of the party, Theo! --This guy sickens me with his good time vibe and cool laid back style. Smug bastard.



Darrell is pretty cool I guess. He flips out violently on occasion for no apparent reason, sooo that's nice for the viewers at home.

The Austin Cast, BOOO!!!!

These guys suck something fierce. I wonder if they know they are the archetype of what people hate about couples. NO ONE cares about your relationships so stop acting like it's such a big deal. Other people have lives to you, and they don't revolve are around your stupid relationships!!!! Plus I just don't like these guys! Just look at 'em.



These 2 I def like better because they are more attractive. Melinda is annoying but pretty I guess, and normally I would LOVE Danny cuz he looks like Brad, but no, he just sucks that bad. You know who I miss, CT, what happened to him....?



UGH, these two I can not stand. Wes I hate the most and Johanna is my least favorite. When they show that clip of her bawling at the like vote-off or whatever cuz precious Wes might go home I felt sorry for her for being so lame, but also I barfed, so then I stopped being sorry for her and was mad she made me barf.

My Boyfriends

Good old Shane. I love you ...even when you sorta queen-out a little bit.



Hello, Hello. Kenneth, Kenny, Ken, what is up my man. You are looking gooood, fresh meat. I believe in the casting special he was like, "Yeah I'm a super sexy hot God." Which isn't a problem with me -big ego just means he'll have his shirt off more -remember the Miz.

Stand Out Newbies

Eric, the funny fat guy that sounds like he's in the Blue Collar Comedy Group? I dunno, I might have to throw this one back.



This guy Evan is cute. And apparently super athletic, could this be a new Miz? we'll have to see how much he has his shirt off...



Casey, I see promise in this one.



Johnnie scares the crap out of me.



Ryan is a gay! I'm not sure what kind yet, all i can say right now is that we have confirmed homosexual status.



What kinda name is Ev? This girl has quite a pout and according to mtv is a gay too! They are very progressive over at that Mtv -they even have gays on their dating shows, Jon Norris is a total butt-pirate, and they have that Hulk Hogan show.....

Fresh Meat Duds

Aviv, whatever.


Chandra, FORgettable.


Diem, who? Denim? wha?


Jesse, boring.


Linette.

The Game

Peeps split up into teams of deuce this season to really shake things up on the playing-field! ...and the winning pair from a mission gets to touch a team of their choice where ever they want ...and they get to chose who goes into "exhile," in which they fight in the woods against a gypsy or some nonsense. Last couple standing gets $250,000 a piece [worth of black market babies] which is finally decent money for winning this show. Let the games begin bitches!