Dishin' the Juice

• This story can't even be serious: Peeps have been reportin' that the King of Pop is a racist and bum-bud-da-da-dum: a homophobe. Now I have a hard time believing that Michael Jackson is prejudiced towards anyone. The man is his own minority group for christ-sake, he's got to know what it feels like. And add the homophobe comment and the story loses all credibility, the man was a 3 dollar bill for halloween for crying outloud.


• Why does K-Fed put his hair up in a bun and then pretend like it's not really girlie? Why?


• Jake the Snake makes a bad model, go fig. But one mother fuckin' sexy gay cowboy. Props to Anne Hathaway for getting to play his beard.


• Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are officially best friends forever. The two have exchanged -by barking at their third assistant- wedding books and gift baskets. And I think we can expect a sleep-over happening in the near future, but first there mothers will have to discuss it.


• MyLifeMyCard.com, you can't get trampled to death fighting over sales on the internet, so this site actually saves lives.


• The tabloid pics have been getting super lame lately with pics of celebs doing the most boring things and in like a hoodie. Walking the dog, going shopping, looking through their purse, sittin in the back of a car. F dat! I wanna see them drunk... and therefore horny. Isn't that what the tabloids are really about: horny celebs? isn't it though? isn't it?! I thought so.


• Is Nicky Hilton the new Paris Hilton? PopBarf says yes. Perhaps Nicky will replace Paris on the new Simple Life that will air on E! At least this way the two stars of the show could be in the same frame.

The Conclusion of Balloon Shenanigans...
With Nick and Jessica broken up they are now free to have threesomes with Posh and Beck and the race gets heated. And it ends, as usual, with Nick finishing first. So Jessica, as usual, sleeps with Bam Margera.

Jessica, Jessica Simpson, where has your love gone? it's not in your music...

Member that weird song that some Beck wannabe did called "Jessica Simpson" right at the dawn of her A-list status. It was weird, I think the video featured ping pong.

Even your grandpappy knows Nick and Jess have decided to have sex with other people, and we are all upset about it. You know who i think is behind this: Angelia Joile. Or maybe not, seeing as that Angie's stock has plummeted ever since she began toting diapers around and wearing shapeless mom clothes.

The real culprit in the break-up is most likely crabs. Ever since Jessica gave Nick the pubic lice she got from Bam Margera the marriage hasn't been the same. Sure you'd think applying STD salve with your lover would bring you closer together, but it's not the case. J/K you guys, of coarse Ms. Simpson doesn't have crabs, she has no pubic hair.

Maybe the problem is Nick's affinity for strippers. And one might ask, who needs a bevy of hot strippers when you've got Jessica. Well Strippers don't talk and Nick likes his tits silent but bouncy.

Jessica deserves her fair share of blame though. Those school marm outfits are bound to kill any erection for at least 6 months. And the big hair at the VMAs was frightening. And let us not forget how creepy her father is. Nick prolly feels relieved that Joe Simpson won't be supervising his love making anymore. I know I felt relieved when Joe Simpson stopped supervising MY love making... well I guess I do miss him a little.

In conclusion I have learned that trashy tabloid rumors are always true. They might take a while to come to fruition, but they will. So here's a new trashy rumor: Ashlee Simpson and Aaron Carter are cut up into pieces and fed to diseased rats. Now we just sit back and wait.

Informative Bulletin

• Nip Na-Nip Nip Niiiiiip! Is Micha Barton involved in a nip slip scandal that will shock you? Did she put botox in her nipples to shock your children? The shocking results after this... no seriously though could some gum-shoe find me a photo of said nipa slipa, Dean, I'm talking to you.


• Kenny Chesney, the NOT gay country musician is set to play a heterosexual in the male version of Cinderella in Cinderella Man. This movie is not gay at all, it's tough and manly. I mean what's gay about Kenny Chesney riding in a crystal carriage pulled by white horses to the grand ball. Seems pretty manly to me.


• My mind is blown again as Talan from Laguna Beach makes tabloid headlines. At least he is making them with waste-of-space Kimberly Stewart so most people will just skip over it. Seriously though, am I the only one who thinks these two people:
  A) Have done NOTHING EVER
  B) Are not attractive
  C) Suck ass and deserve to die
  Please tell me I'm not alone on this one. Oh yeah, I think they are engaged or something; and by that i mean: starved for attention.


• Is this Jennifer Aniston smoking a doobie?? You can't tell from this pic but it IS Aniston, and I believe she's hittin' a roach. She is clearly smoking something and holding it all funny like. Either this is her first puff of a cigarette ever, or she's a pot-smoking hippy. BTW - this is old news, everyone already knows she's a pot-smoking hippy, but now we have proof!
  
  


• Did Britney Murphy do drugs and have sex?? I hope so! E!online has reported that Miss Murphy was all "smacked" and fucked some waiter at a Bar-mitzvah causing her management company to dump her. Popbarf.com has reported that I watched... and it was hot... real hot... and then I took a dump on Britney's management company.

Mmmm... Salmon...

CNN.com Headlines

• Company unveils salmon flavored soda. Finally, I have been waiting eons for the refreshing taste of fish in my beverage.


• 'Cool mom' gets 30 years for sex parties. Oh yeah, Mrs. Johnson, that old slut. I did her. I mean she threw a really good party: the finest columbian cocaine, blunts, Cristal. I thought it was only polite to have sex with her. Plus, "she's not like a regular Mom, she's a cool mom."


• Katrina proposed as Time's Person of the Year. I see... um... Katrina isn't so much a "person" as a "hurricane"... right?


• I burn my mouth on some blazin' hot coffee. Those bastards at Exxon/Mobile win this round.

The Juice

• K-Fay'ed breaks his hand dancin' too hard. When you are as bad-ass as that mother fucker you don't give a shit if you jank-up your grizzle stick breaking out your fly dance moves cuz that's just how you roll dog.


• Snoop Dog is puttin' out a brand of hot dogs! You know what I think would really do the trick after putting Snoop's hot meat in my mouth: some Salmon Cola. D-lish!


• Posh Spice had a boob job. God I hope so. Hey Posh, tell Nicole Richie to get one to, she's screaming for huge tits.


• God Tara Ried is an idiot; and not pretty.


• Jake Gyllenhaal is back with Kirsten Dunst. He MUST be gay, she is a saggy titted pilgrim for crying out-loud, no man with normal heterosexual urges would be attracted to that.


• They are making another Scarey Movie sequel. Looks like writing letters to your congressman DOES work.


• The infamous Dean is funny, check it out!

Look-out America!

• Enrique Iglesias for some reason has announced to the World that he has a small penis, such a small penis that regular condoms are useless and they hang on his genitals like a little boy wearing his father's dress shirt. While it is an adorable image, it's also a scary one and one that fills me with shame and I'm not the one with "baby dick". It makes me wonder what kind of disturbed individual would share this embarrassing secret with his legions of female fans that he makes his living off of. Run Anna Kournikova! Run!!


• Michael Jackson is broke as a joke. Actually broke would be a step up for Jackson, who owes $270 million in unpaid loans. I knew I shouldn't have let that creepy boy-lover borrow all that money, what was I thinking?!


• I can not get over Paris's fake engagement ring. Well... one time I got into a fight with Nicole Richie and tried to one-up her with a fake engagement and a colossal Cubic Zirconia that I bought for myself too; so I guess I can't blame her.


• Speaking of fake engagements Lindsay Lohan has neither confirmed nor denied that she is going to wed lame heart-throb Jared Leto. I HAVE confirmed though that Jared Leto totally sucks and is only a minor league hottie; though his body in Highway was outta this World, his "music career" is pathetic and vomit inducing. Need proof? Look-out below!
  
  


• And in summary....
  J-Lo: not dead.
  Madonna: looking good, she looks like a fem-bot and I like. (still fails as a person though)
  Britney: if I wanted to see a tired looking girl in a baggy cardigan and some sweats I'd go back to college and actually attend those 9 o' clock classes.
  Jesse Metcalfe: smoking hot! And by smoking I mean: maybe high.
  
  
  Thanks Hollywood Rag for this hot pic of my perfect hunk-of-(maybe-too-tan)-man!

Is Your Refrigerator Running?....

Today is Veterans Day and I think we should take this time out to reflect back on the veterans and all those times they took care of out little pooches and pussy cats. We should also reflect back on the bill for those services. $868990 cuz my dogs ate some advil!!! This is ridiculous, I could buy another dog! Either vets need to lower their prices or my pets need to get a job. Now let us reflect....

• Boy is Janet Jackson fat! What the hell happened? How does someone in peak physical condition become one of those fat chicks that sweats just standing there and needs two seats on the bus, all overnight? Ga-ross Janet, you need to do something about this right away!


• So Paris's boyf -who I will refer to as "drunk driver or DD"- is a drunk driver. He smashed Paris's horse-drawn carriage into a parked car because he was all drunk. But he is rich so s'all good. I do sorta feel bad for DD though, it must be really hard to drunk drive with 23485389 paparazzi blanketing your vehicle. But the most disturbing part of this incident is that Laguna Beach's Talan was in the car. Now I don't know who this is, but he is on Laguna Beach which makes him a loser! Why is this loser so lucky as to hang with Hollywood's A-list? Normally I would say "huge cock" -which is the only explanation I can think of for other celebs hanging with losers, like Brit & K-Fed or Xtina and her boyf- but I doubt anyone on Laguna Beach even has a penis, just really big balls. They must if they have the nerve to show their faces in public after being on that awful awful show (sorry Danni!).


• Fergie will guest star on the Sopranos as a stripper undercover cop, who I bet will curse a lot. I hope she doesn't pee herself while stripping, that's not hot... well I dunno, straight guys help me out, is that hot?


• In other Paris news, (honestly that slut is such a tabloid whore she averages like 34654 scandals a day) Ms. Hilton has been prank phone calling Nicole Richie, who doesn't like people playin' on her phone! I guess prank phones are hot, they were totally out in the late 90s and early 00s when caller ID was everywhere, but I guess it's cool again! yes! I am so ordering my boss like 20 pizzas.

Tid-bIt Snip-its

Mmmmmm mm! Lindsay Lohan is looking good enough to eat recently. Those chocolate locks work so well on her I could bake her at 350 degrees then let her cool for about 15-20 minutes before I chomp down into her sexy internal organs and sweet sweet flesh. Hop on over to the superficial.com for some steamy pics.

Colin Farrell has been looking sorta like the guy who runs the freak tent at the traveling fair recently. But notice I said the guy "who runs" it, he not a freak or anything -he's still totally bangable- he just needs a good shower, a warm fire and some cocoa.

Wha-keen Pheonix, like so many others, has gone crazy. During a press event he complained that he felt a frog on his head - which to be honest is what you get when you hold an interview in a bayou. But he even said, with alarmingly genuine concern, that the frog was eating his brain; now this is crazy, everyone knows that a Frog's fangs can't pierce bone, but perhaps their talons can.....

Todays Top Story is: Cruise ship used sonic weapon against pirates. This makes me happy. As a small boy, I wanted to become two things when I grew up: 1. Sonic the Hedge Hog 2. A pirate. Now it seems both these things might be possible.

Jake Gyllenhaal needs to change his name to something easier to spell, and he needs to go ahead and give us some full frontal nudity. For those of you who look at any gossip website you'll know that Jake's fine ass in his new movie Jarhead has been the hottest scoop since Teri Sheravo (you know that vegitable chick). I can only imagine if Jake removed the santa hat covering his cock and balls and revealed the goods, the people of Earth would likely go mad and roit like it was Huricanne Katrina.

K-Fed Takes Time Out of His Busy Pants Dropping Schedule to Plant a Celebrity Tree

• Gay Parie's suburbs have been rife with rioters over the last few days. I for one can think of better places to riot than the burbs; setting ablaze to the neighbors shrubbery doesn't seem like the best way to stick it to the man. I would at least goto the Mall where I could riot a smoothie and one of those cinnamon-sugar pretzels, those are delicious!


• Want to get a jump start on making fun of K-Fed and his new "music career", now you can! [Click here for a clip] His "single" Y'All Ain't Ready is basically the disaster I had anticipated, at least lyrics wise, but his voice, which sounds identical to Eminem, is semi-interesting especially when he puts a little sass into the chorus: "Back then they called me K-Fay'ed, but you call me Daddy instay'ed." However Kevin is still the worst and even with all the street cred of Hillary Duff, he still will never make it in the rap biz, I think the people would be more responsive towards a Christmas album though.


• "Tom Cruise has received an award for becoming the biggest ever money donor to the Church of Scientology." reports theBosh.com. Terrif, Cruise, you bought your own religion! Now you can make gaysex (not with me though shorty) part of the Dogma. And you can keep doling out these meaningless awards to yourself, you crazy crazy little man.


• Don't you think it's about time Sienna Miller reveals exactly what purpose she serves and why she's famous? I do.


• Matthew MaConaughey is the current leader in People's poll of the sexiest men with ol' Brad in 5th place and Jake Gylenhall at number 3. Missing from the list is myself, which must be some sort of website malfunction, fucking internet....


• Mr. Cent has been giving his opinion on politics and Katrinia to reporters as if it is worth anything. Seeing as that Fi'ty is a Rhodes Scholar and all, he should prolly just publish his political theories so that we can make it a required reading in schools.


• A typical day for Jennifer Love Huge-Tits prolly consists of about half giggling, a quarter scrunching up her nose, and the rest pouting. A typical day for her lover prolly consist of trying to get the right amount of sedatives into her drink so that she passes out, but doesn't die, long enough to fuck her get outta there before she wakes up and starts talking again.

Oh NO they di'int

Nothing that doesn't have to do with Madonna or Tom Cruise is going on in the world of pop culture right now, except maybe some celeb Halloween costumes



So I think now is a good time to talk about why in the world Hillary Duff and Joel Madden from Good Charlotte are dating. Let's break down some possibilities:

• They are both partially blind and mostly retarded.
• Joel needed more street cred so he decided to go straight to the source of street cred: Hillary Duff.
• Joel is actually Haylie Duff in reverse-drag. (I know the above pic shows them both together at the same time, but it's just smoke and mirrors people, don't be fooled).
• Hillary can't windex those big teeth all by herself, it's too much work for just one person.
• Joel loves horses!
• Joel, like Duffy, is also enslaved by the Disney Corporation and we all know Disney likes to see a good wholesome HETEROsexual relationship. It's for the kids, if someone doesn't show them how NOT to be gay how will they know?!
• Both their brains have been hallowed out and filled with pumpkin seeds.
• Joel wants people to call him "Duffman".


Enough of that! Onto:


Ballooning Shenanigans: Posh Spice, David Beckham, Jessica Simpson & (last and least) Nick Lachey Go 'Round Da World!!!!

(Special Guest Writer DEAN!! Who I like to call DEANAWEEN!!) This week:

The celebrity ballooning couples crash-landed on Taradise and it is like Lost...but drunker. Meanwhile back on Earth, Janet Jackson's Lovechild turned out to be Justin Timberlake (which makes the whole superbowl thing even weirder)! So then the One (He Who is Naturally Born of A Jackson) sets sail to the Island of Topless Drunk Sluts (next to the Isle of Girls Gone Wild) and save the beautiful people from the evil clutches (by that i mean cursed hand bags) of...oh, let's say Dr. Phil. All in accordance to the prophecy (i.e. That 50 Cent song). The doctor needs the beautiful people to sacrifice them to his evil goddess...O-PRAH and Dr. Phil dispatches his evil mercenaries, B2k sans Omarion, to bring the beautiful people to him.

Meanwhile, Jessica is eating sand on the beach while Nick is having sex with a coconut. Beckham is forcing a monkey to redo his corn rows, while Posh spice is trying to contact her evil Scientologist overlords (she's been a spy all along!) So she finally gets a signal to DarkTom & Travoltatron, who are on their jet. While the evil witch Kelly Preston and her swishy robot tend to the pregnant Katie Holmes, DarkTom & Travoltatron pilot their ship for Taradise!!!

So as we conclude this episode...Justin is in a ship made out of a his teenage girl fans on his way to the fantastical island, when he suddenly spots something in the water...who can it be?
who is it?
oh my god.
It's Ace of Base.
but where have they been all this time?
where?
fade to black.