These Facts are Mostly True

• Dakota Fanning it considered the top actress in Hollywood because her films have grossed the most money, twice as much as Julie Robert's. And she has baby teeth. I can't wait for her to grow up, get big boobs, star in a teen comedy about popular people in high school, become a coked-out tabloid mess, and eat rice cakes all day wearing oversized sunglasses.


• Jessica Alba's hair gave a great performance in The Fantastic Four and is a shoe-in for best supporting actress. It's so versatile.


• The final two Kept men are Austin and Seth? I think Jerry's had a little too much "tea."


• Jessica Simpson's new workout video is going to make a fortune! That video will be everything from pre-teen masturbation gold to a bible for girls with body image disorders everywhere. I'd say 95% of America either wants to (a) do her, or (b) be her... or (c) be her best friend (those would be the gays). This is gonna blow the thigh-master away, and in the day Suzanne Summers spreading her vagina open in rhythm for an hour probably raked it in.


• Has anyone else noticed that Kate Bosworth & Sienna Miller are like the same person? as well as Jude Law & Orlando Bloom? All four of them should just mix their juices together.


• Paris Hilton is said to fly south for the winter, since she is, in fact, water fowl.


• Misha Barton's new beau, Johnny Wujek, is actually a fag, I thought he looked familiar. Why didn't you call me back Johnny? I left you like 30 messages. dick.


• Check out this trailer for The Skeleton Key it looks fantastic. I am not quite sure why I love Kate Hudson so much, but I do.

WARNING!!!

Do NOT see Dark Water. It does NOT rock the house. That is all.

"Lucy, I'm Home!" "Ricki, You Got Some Spainin' To Do!"

Hey ya'll! I just got back from Tennessee where I helped this little lady below (my cousin Libby) get married. I was a groomsman and l had very important duties which included walking and standing and some sitting down. It was a blessed affair and all were pleased. The down side is I had no internet for like 6 days, damn you TN!

The Last 6 Days....

• Britney Spears pretends not to notice that she is trashy and the public pretends like we want to hear what she has to say so we can make fun of her later for it. "There's so much nasty stuff out there for moms-to-be. I can't work out why stores don't sell funkier stuff [fucking shit bitch]" says Britney, to which I say "are you talking about whore nasty? cause clearly you have managed to find those clothes." And I also say to Britney "'I can't work out why...'? Where did you come up with that one? Like I get what you're saying but that is an entirely inappropriate use of those words." Of coarse Brit replies "fucking shit bitch ya'll."


• Weight and celebrities is becoming a daily surprise, you never know whose going to go off the deep-end one way or the other. Except for Miss Piggy, I mean, Courtney Love, I could have told you she would get fat. If she's not doing drugs she's going to eat, she needs to be constantly entertained like a four year old.


• Angelina Jolie's two babes (Brad and small girl) have both been recently hospitalized and are now fine. Finer still is that fox Angelina.


• The wedding if off according to Paris Hilton, whose cry for attention is boring. Nicole Riche on the other hand had a star studded engagement party. I am sure she looked great, but she still doesn't get that you can only be that skinny if you have breast implants. So get to it Nicole.


• Pamela Anderson considers marrying Tommy Lee's cock again, then decides to cut it off and graft it onto anybody else.


• Did you know the Smurfs started in 1958?! The original concept art was actually done by Jesus.

I don't believe it!

No way, is this Jack Osbourne. You can actually see what he looks like, rather than starring into an abyss of fat rolls and curly hair. How do celebs all of a sudden drop like a hundo lbs?? They probably use that colon treatment I keep hearing about.

VH1 I am Very Disappointed in You!

Anyone here gotten a glimpse of Hogan Knows Best? Anyone? Can I get a show of hands. (Since Vh1 seems to air this show 10 times a day it is only natural that you watch a little bit, don't be ashamed.)

Well I have a sneaking suspicions that the show is staged... more than normally. Every person on that show acts like they are auditioning for a middle school play. In one scene where the girl is supposed to be upset and jealous, I swear she cracks a smile. Also, before and after every "word-dump" the son takes he looks off camera as if to get the "a-okay" or the "be crazier lil' Hogan, say something rebellious" from some PA. This show is right up there with Laguna Beach, if I wanna watch some boring teens who are slightly more wealthy than normal pretend to be attractive, I'll go to Tysons II (that ones for all my NoVa-heads up in this mother).

In other reality tv news Stripsearch's host, Billy Cross from the Thunda Down Unda, sucks balls and has no idea what he's doing. First of all why so short? The whole time Billy was freaking out about how they only had 20 some odd days before Vegas, as if it would fuck up the space-time continuum if he gave them another month. He made up the schedule, so give them more time, which would mean more episodes!! Also, Billy, why the hell would you get rid of Brian. He's the greatest and sorta looks like a dinosaur (he should be Koopa for All Hallows Eve). Brian is so hot and he has that sweet voice, why Billy thinks a basket-case is a better addition to the troupe I will never know.

Why Didn't I Think of This? I Love Cats!!

"a lot of feces and a lot of urine, just like the other one" - Fox News in reference to the residencies of the "Cat Lady."

So in the DC metro area the last two days, about 500 cats were found in two houses apparently owned by the same woman. Now this is called "cat hoarding" the news has informed me, twenty times, and it's motive perplexes me. Who really wants that many cats? What were they doing with them? And some of the dead cats were found in bins, as if to be stored. Is this a sex thing? I'm so confused. Even if it was a sex thing would not a just few dozen cats suffice?

Miraculously, some of the felines were still alive and I was the expecting the story to continue with a heartfelt adoption drive where the community comes together and gives them good homes, but no, the news was like "and the rest were euthanized." I guess it was for the best.

But seriously if anyone has any insight as to why someone would want hundreds of dead/almost dead cats, please let me know.

To Do List: What a busy day!!

• Use car title to get a cash loan, with no credit check!


• Take naked pictures of self and pretend not to leak them onto the internet


• Make flip book of two stick figures doin' it


• Collect bottle caps and wonder if everything was this boring before the internet


• Have hetro sex strictly for procreation they way God intended


• Chase goth kids out of town


• Evade loan sharks


• Cry about 'it'

Paris & Nicole's Vaginas to Get Own Show

Even more popular than trust-fund Barbie, Paris Hilton, and malnourished tart, Nicole Riche, are their vaginas obviously. And now Fox is going to make sure those two famous ginas do a show together. Fox says even if the genitals don't get along they still are under contract and must swap juices, or at least be on the same show. They might do a wedding prep reality show (cause no one's ever done that before) and this way the privates don't even need to be filmed together and/or spread a yeast infection. Alright, that's it, I'm done talking about the vagina... tampons!!!.... okay now I'm done.

And in other news... about genitals...

• Bo Bice says he is soooo glad he didn't win American Idol, he and Paris decided fame is lame anyways. Plus this will give him more time to sit at home all day watching judge shows n' jerkin' it.


• Mariah Carey was belting out one of her "hits" when her ginormous breatases popped right out her top! Too bad this happened in Germany or something where TiVo hasn't been invented yet.


• Jared Leto apparently has a big cock... and let me see... nope, still just a whiny, ego-maniac, "rocker" douche, not attractive.


• I got my genitals pimped, thank you Mtv!!


• Kisten Dunst has crabs, or at least that's what I'm telling Jake. She needs to back up off my man or I'm gonna mess her up.

Who's Weirder? Tom Cruise or Donald Trump

• both these two actually think people like and respect them.


• Tom Cruise thinks he knows about psychology; Donald Trump thinks he knows about business.


• Tom Cruise thinks dating (and dry humping) a 23yr old C-lister will make him more popular; Donald thinks making races compete against each other will make his show more popular.


• The Cruise is smaller than a breadbox; Trump's hair style is in desperate need of a queer eye.


• Here's what I think sets them apart though: Tom Cruise is a Scientologist!!!! and Donald is married to a one hot bitch, even though they prolly never have sex. Looks like the winner is Tom Cruise, congrats you creepy wood elf, now go kill yourself.

The Most Important Updates Ever!

Everyone have a good weekend? That's nice. I went down to a little place called Charlottesville, VA and let me tell you that is one classy joint. No joke, they had some really nice bars and apparently real people, not just students, live there too. Too bad the roads there on are meth though.

• There is this posting on thesuperficial.com thats says "among the celebs...[list of hot celebs]...and Rocco DiSpirito from the Food Network." Nice try Food Network, but you guy will never be celebrities and the fact that you have to say you're from the Food Network is a perfect example why.


• Jennifer Aniston, starved for attention or just starved? either way she "collapsed", apparently she's a folding chair.


• The Lohan continues to tell young girls that they can look emaciated through healthy eating and excersize. Ya know I could make a coke joke here, but I'm not gonna.


• Madonna got help writing her books? Nuh unh, I thought stars did everything themselves.


• CNN.com is running this story: Cell phone service disabled in New York tunnels. They get cell phone service in tunnels!! That's unfair, I barely get service in my apartment.


• Former Mtv "VJ", Kennedy, gave birth to a baby boy, who came out quipping.


• Billy Bob Thorton plays drunk loser on the silver screen once again, this time coaching an underdog team that beats all odds, etc. I see they didn't take my advice and go with Nicole Riche.


• Bum-ba-da-dum GAY RUMOR OF THE DAY!!!! Hayden Christensen, member dis?


• The ever-so-lovely X-tina is in trouble. She was attacked or some nonsense and we as a society have the responsibility to find that person and punish them. Honestly, if something were to happen to her I don't know what I'd do. Check out this hot pic and more (from thesuperficial once again), and try to find the half full flute of champagne in the corner on the floor, as if an enamored socialite left it and dashed away to make love at once.

WTF, Ricky Martin?! WTF?!

"Blow blow blow" is the hook of Ricky Martin's new "hit song" that makes me wanna stuff my cochlea with items I find around the house. While I do like the use of "blow" so much in one song, the combination of the beat and his voice are bland and boring and seem like a juvenile attempt at a catchy tune. Ricky Martin, may you die in a fire... after taking some naked pictures and giving them to me. What?... he's hot... he sucks... but he's hot.

Lil' Kim Goes to the Big House And Other News (plus gay rumor du jour)

• Lil Kim will be Berken-less for 366 days as she experiments with lesbian sex (without a room full of guys watching) in the slammer. Who knew she was even in trouble? Sure she's always going to court, but she's been doing that for years now. Next time I expect the media to alert me that she could have been serving 20 years in prison (thank god it's only a year cause no one wants to hear a 50 year old rap about their privates). Apparently the media finds Lil' Kim boring and don't think anyone would be shocked about her conviction. Well I'm shocked Kimmy, what did you do again? something about lying to someone about something? She prolly gave an incorrect figure of licks that it would take to get to the center of her uunhh.


• Gay Rumor of the Day: your Dad!!!!!


• Yea, terrorist attacks are back! Let the mass hysteria begin again!


• Ashlee Olsen wants to be a hipster. Do hipsters where hippy frock baby doll dresses? Well, they do wear a lot of bangles and the Olsens got that covered.


• Paris and Paris continue their pursuit to becoming America's Next Top Vapid Idiots


• Angelina adopts a small rice village and still has time to look great, how does she do it? witchcraft? wait a minute that explains a lot.

News Flash: Teens/Children Missing!!!

I hope that if I get abducted everyone makes a huge deal about it and raises awareness about Pure Prattle and the fine investigative media-insidering I have been doing.

These investigations include but are not limited to:

• The Miz is moving on to pro wrestling where he belongs. I guarantee this means more of the Miz voice, ya know the weird one he uses when he says tough-guy-pump-you-up things.


• Esthero releases their long awaited debut album (well one a half albums), what took them so damn long. For those of you not familiar perhaps now is a good time to sample some tracks.


• Matha Stewart confessed that she totally sweats Jon Stewart. I smell another Brangelina Aniston tabloid fiasco.


• Pure Prattle has just got wind that Martha Stewart is in fact pregnant with Jon Stewart's child.


• The Mr. & Mrs. Smith producers needed to run the script by me first, but all in all it was a delightful romp, and by delightful I mean sexy, and by romp I mean rump.


• The Spice Girls did not get together for Live8 as hoped. Ginger Spice did flash her tits to the crowd however.


• Gay Rumor of the day: JC Chasez


• Brian from Stripsearch was on Elimidate and gave an A+ performance. He was making out, girls were rubbing him, he was saying cute things in the confessionals in that sexy southern drawl.... Anyway, Elimidate truly is a crazy show and everyone involved should be embarrassed. Bad Brian.