Expository Bulletin

• So G-Unit and Fat Joe are feuding, which is going to make my labor picnic really awkward, and hopefully they will kill eachother off and destroy all copies of "Candy Shop" and "Lean Back" in the process. This fight was only further fueled when some G-Unitarian called Joe a "pussy boy" at the VMAs, very mature Mr. Cent. I expected a little more class from "Fity" and his loyal band of thugs.


• I hate Laguna Beach and I don't care who knows it! So I was super psyched to hear that the supposed "stud" of the show got kicked out of a VMA afterparty for being too "drunk." Something that has certainly NEVER happened to me.... But we're not talking about me, and too be honest, we shouldn't be talking about those retarded tweens on Laguna Beach either, they suck! and are abundantly boring!


• WTF, Aaron Carter?! You look terrible! It's all that weed dude.


• Drew Barrymore, Ms. Cupcake-Sweetness, has been accused of being a chain-smoking bitch because she wouldn't put out her cig when asked by, i assume, a school of jesus fish, at a Mets game. You don't tell celebs what to do, they live by no man's rules, they're wild and sexy! just like cigarettes!


• Gwen Stenfani was so upset that Mtv didn't let her perform her audial masterpiece, Hollaback Girl, at the VMAs that she stormed out the show early. She prolly went to go drown her sorrows in the hooch with that guy from Laguna Beach.

Me.com bitches!

I have lived a full and happy life. What you don't believe me, well thank god there's a web site to prove it! [www.robertfarish.com]

The VMAs!!!

Celebrities are fine when they are seen through controlled edited footage, but out of the tank they are really weird and awkward. Did anyone notice how pissed off everyone looked. Do they serve drinks at these things? They should, these people need to lighten up... and take their clothes off.

Well if you couldn't catch the show, this is what you missed....

• R Kelly being an egomaniac!! A questionable pedophile, and an egomaniac!! His fifteen minute "performance" was breathtakingly stupid. And is that whole "trapped in the closet" thing supposed to be his coming out party or something?


• Ciara looking absolutely beautiful! Definitely not a hermie.


• Destiny's Child rolling their eyes and being bitches and Beyonce clapping with stiff wrists and out-stretched palms like Barbie playing the cymbals.


• Puffy giving his watch away to a fan and then giving it away to him again when security took it back from the young man. Puffs then told the fine fellow "anything can happen", using his catch phrase for the twentieth time that night. "Anything can happen" huh Diddy? Sure, if "anything" happens to be people dancing in ADD inspired intervals. Woah Puff, where'd those break dancers come from?! Now OMG, it's MC Hammer, then OMG more dancers, maybe even Omarion. Now what? the people in the balcony are coming down to party with Diddy! Wow!


• Celebs entering from all sorts of places. The best being when they are very slowly raised up from the depths below.


• Did I mention mean-faced grumpy celebs?

ALSO

Making of the fucking band three is coming back! Hell yeah! And a new mother fucking Gauntlet mother fuckers! Finally the corner stone of this incipient blog is back! Can you tell I'm excited?

All sorts of stuff

• The little 16 year old strumpet seen hanging with Paris Hilton, Hayden Panettiere, claims that she was not smoking as the photos on the internet would lead you to believe, but rather the cig photoshoped in. This makes perfect sense, my hand is always posed as though I am smoking, even when I'm not. Lair! You filthy tart!

• If you thought other stuff was fun, you haven't heard of celeb paper dolls!


• Rumor has it the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge will be the cast-mates versus regular dick and janes, but still expect these ordinary contenders to be models with perfect bodies.


• Justin Timberlake won a suit against a British tabloid, and by "won" i mean settled for an apology, for saying he boned some slut. In a related story "Bat Girl" sues World News Weekly for portraying her in an "unflattering light".


• Dolce and Gabanna shows pubic hair in their new ads, heaven forbid! has anyone ever seen a European magazine for crying out loud!! It's hair, it's not a huge throbbing cock, speaking of which D&G might want to rethink their winter ad campaign.


• Well I think Jack Ozbourne is skinnier than me now, I officially hate myself.

WONDERFUL

The Six Feet Under series finale was wonderful and satisfying, I really feel like I got closure and a good cry. The best part was how Ruth kept watching Just Shoot Me and her excuse was "it's always on." Actually, for those of you that have seen it, you know that wasn't really the best part, and wasn't the best part amazing?! So, goodnight sweet show, I will miss you....

Bulletin!!!

• The headline Nun's wild dancing earns reprimand shocked the world today as nuns dare to be sexy! The nunnery is furious and will most likely sow all vaginas shut just in case.


• Courtney Love might be pregnant, but I am pretty sure she is having a court-ordered abortion, so who cares?!


• Japan tests new supersonic aircraft. "Supersonic" is by far the coolest descriptor ever, and "Supersonic Boom" will be the title of my first album. (Other first album titles have included: Droppin' Heat Rocks on Your Bitch Ass, Colors for the Mouth, & Dog Parade.


• Nobody likes the Dukes of Hazzard, surprise sur-fucking-prise!


• Mariah Carey has two looks: Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island & Ginger from Gilligan's Island


• Paris Hilton has been seen cavorting around town with an underage prostitute actress and I think it is safe to say she is performing some sort of voodoo rituals on her to steal her youth. You know Paris, you are in your mid twenties, you might want to think about a face lift.


• Today marks the day I officially hate the Olsen twins, before I was close, but now it's official. I am mainly upset about what they are doing to fashion, making bag lady clothes chic should be punishable by death.

Lindsay Lohan Wears Hideous Vest

This post from the Hollywood Rag has a lot going on, so the untrained eye might miss the most important feature: the disgusting patchwork vest that Ms. Lohan is sporting. The second most important feature is that these photos seem to suggest that Lindsay's breasts are back, although I heard in third period that she stuffs. Seriously though what is going on with this girl? Can she just go back to how she was in Mean Girls and we can all move on.

Tons of Gay References!!!

• These two ball players dove into each-other's faces while furiously trying to make out during a baseball game. Maybe if they weren't so gay and had their eyes on the correct ball none of this would have happened. This is why there are no gays in professional sports, cuz they can't stop thinking about butt-sex for two seconds and play the game. At least I know that's why my pro-dreams were shattered.


• A giant waterfall was discovered in a Cali national park and no one noticed because...? ...it was too big? Looks like there are some park rangers that are sljacking off over there. Where was this park again?


• The talk of the town today seems to be Miss Courtney Love and her bra and panty antics. Whilst at the Pam Anderson roast she thought it would be a good idea to be a fucking crazy person because that's the only way she's interesting. And part of being a crazy person is exposing your privates and imitating oral sex. Trust me, I know; I'm a fucking crazy person.


• Heath Ledger is not only super hot, he is super dumb. He leaves gorgeous Namoi Watts and then dates Sarah Plain and Squat, Michelle Williams. He gets her pregnant and now has to marry her and therefore doesn't get to marry me. Bad move, Heath, I'm a tiger in the sack too. When will you learn huh? When?!

Asplundh

There is a construction company called "Asplundh".
There is also one called "Facchina".
I'm serious, see for yourself.

Bad Movies!!

I am not going to name any names but when the villain in a horror/mystery movie turns out to be the main character all along, but they didn't even know it, you got a bad movie. It is the most unsatisfying resolution and is as unbelievable as ghosts. So just go with ghosts, they are super scary, a lot more horrifying than multiple personalities.

Pure Prattle's Fashion Dos & Don'ts

Don'ts

• Bright warm colored sneakers, this includes yellow orange and yes even red. A hint of these colors brightens up any sneaker, but a big field of it's no good. It's just too much attention on the foot, too much.


• Potato sacks, not flattering.


• Cowboy boots with a sun dress. Who thought this one up? Jessica Simpson I bet, she's retarded.


• Any article of clothing under $100.


• Pleats!!! Not only do they hide "the bulge" but they create another unflattering one around your entire waist as if you were almost wearing a hoop skirt, but then no, it's pants.


• No Fear.


• Oversized sunglasses. I get the movie star big glasses thing, but when they come down to your lips, there's a problem.


• Peat Coats with wood cylindrical buttons, know what I mean? with like a felt type texture, sort of a Shirley Temple collar, you guys know the ones.


• Boat shoes, weegins or loafers


• Wearing gym clothes all day long, we get it, you work out.

Dos

• Get skinny, fat people never look good in clothes.


• Hoodies! It's the perfect fall through winter look for men. They are comfy and they have a hood for burgling.


• Thigh-high boots. Any old slut looks like a model wearing these. I'm serious.


• Fur. It shows you know how to hunt a kill... a good bargain at Niemans.


• Emulate celebrities in every way, that's the key to looking good. If Paris Latsis is going to wear graffiti pants a denim and checkered maroon flannel jacket, then I'm going to roll out of a hamper from 1989 too.

Tyra Winfrey?

Tyra Banks is getting her own talk show on Fox entitled what else, Tyra. For those of you have seen the America's Next Top Model marathons you know that we can expect the following:

• Tyra to have guests on with real problems and then explain that she has similar problems and we should all feel sorry for poor supermodel Tyra.


• Fun makeovers!


• Hopefully that dream-boat Nigel, hopefully NOT Janice Dickinson.


• Her making regular unfabulous people bounce down a make shift runway (i saw it on the commercial).


• Tyra pretending to be Oprah.


• No actual substance.

K-Fed Roughs Up Papa Smurf Razzi

I have a love-hate relationship with the Paparazzi, on one hand they are a persistence and menacing force against celebs to the point where a telethon is almost in order, but without them how would we know that Britney is actually unattractive and that most stars like to smoke pot topless in their backyard? It's sorta like bugs - sure I wish they were all dead but I guess I would be upset later when the ecosystem goes to shit and we all die - except for in this case I would just have nothing to read on the plane. Therefore like squashing the occasional bug, I do condone shooting a fiendish photographer in the leg every once and a while.

That is why I thank K-Fed for shooting some "fo-tog" with a BB-Gun outside the house where Britney, I believe, was receiving more halter tops for the baby. Now I haven't heard any proof that it was K-Fed wielding the deadly weapon delivering sweet death to any he chooses, besides the obvious: he for sure has a BB-Gun and he for sure is a crazy redneck that would shot someone in the leg, though he probably aimed for the head but was for sure a bad shot. At least there will be pictures of this incident so let's all check next week's US Weekly for photos of a stinky weasel hiding in the bushes.

Another Blessed Ceremony

So I went to another wedding last weekend. I got substantially more drunk at this one and by the end of the night had adorned my self with the faux wedding bands that were at our table. Thank god my date was a bride's maid and therefore I didn't embarrass her in the least.

And You Know What Else....?

• Namoi Campbell attacked another subordinate because it's cool again thanks to Russel Crow.


• Madonna is recording a new album. Isn't it weird that a lady that has tea at her British estate makes a bunch of techno dance songs?


• Lindsay Lohan's father is seeking money from Lindsay's career in his divorce settlement, because being a huge embarrassment and hindrance to her global domination deserves a reward.

You Don't Say?!

• Besides using the same hook in two different singles ("No no no no... Don't [lie/phunk with my heart]") the Black Eyed Pea's most embarrassing moment must be this recent crotch wetness. I questioned a female friend as to whether or not a tampon would help with this crotch sweat problem and was slapped in the face and then ridiculed for not understanding the complex puzzle that is the human vagina. PS: Rumor has it that Fergie was so drunk that she peed and was oblivious/didn't care, but wouldn't the urine have dribbled down her legs? The stain pattern suggests more of a moisture issue.


• Britney Spear's 14 year old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is smoking cigarettes because she wants to be just like her big sis. So she has also been seen cavorting with some weasel and just generally being an idiot.


• People continue to talk about how Posh Spice, Victoria Adams, is too skinny. Um... hello? She goes by the name "Posh" for crying out loud, she's probably never eaten in her whole life. She does however have huge fake breasts, Nicole Richie, what did I tell you....?!


• Oh man, Tara Reid looks bad... like all over... and in every pic I see of her. I would kill myself if I were her and fast!


• Colin Farrell talks about sucking Bruce Willis's cock in an interview. While gay sex with Colin Farrell is my ultimate fantasy, thinking about him and grandpa Willis is making Tara Reid look pretty good about now.


• Paris Latsis has a tattoo on his arm that says "Rock n' Roll", which looks like "Cock n' Tail" but that's not the point. The point is it's stupid.


• Put a sock in it? or put it in a sock? You decide. (in loving memory of Tiff-Tiff)