CNN.com Headlines

• Robotic patients help train doctors - What?! Patients training doctors, that doesn't seem like a good idea, shouldn't doctors have professional instructors, plus they're robots for crying out loud!


• Group: Millions not getting food stamps - Has anyone ever seen a foodstamp? Are they like a regular stamp? And if so, how is something so tiny supposed to fill you up? I understand poor people have to eat paper, that makes sense, but at least give them a whole sheet of looseleaf or something.


• From honky-tonk to highbrow - This is proabably the best headline I've read, I don't know what it's in reference to though? Probably greatness.


• Train hits car at crossing, killing two - That's funny.


• Born without legs, still playing football - Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? Why couldn't that guy play something a little more reasonable, like Mahjong.


• The fantasy author rock star - There are WAY to many adjectives in this title. Also makes no sense.


• Police: Dad locked in basement - Good idea, next time I don't get what I want, it's the basement for you pops.


• Ask Jeeves to drop butler mascot - NOO!! I love referring to Jeeves as a real person, my Niagerian co-worker is always answering my questions with: "I doughnt know why dont we ashk cheeves."


• Computer worm suspect in court - What are they gonna do, talk to it? Do they think it's a real worm? Cause worms can't talk either. Boy these people are dumb.

Celebrity Gossip Forms Glossy Blob; Destroys Most of West Coast

The following tit-mouse, i mean, tid-bits from the Blob where retrieved:

• Get you love drunk off my hump? My hump, my hump, my hump? my lovely little lumps? Black Eyed Peas, you got some splane-nin' to do!!!


• So many people have been getting divorced it's hard to keep it all straight, so let's go over who and why:
  
  
  
  • PEEPS: Chad Michael Murry & Chick (I believe also from One Tree Hill) REASON: Um, cuz he's a horny young twenty-something celebrity in sin city and the thought of not sleeping with those strippers keeps him up at night.
  
  
  • PEEPS: Kathy Griffin & Really Dopey Guy REASON: simple, he is dopey. Kathy Griffin is pretty great too, and a fag-hag. "My Life on the D-List" is an over-looked reality show classic. A) she is pretty funny at least in banter form B) she keeps at least 2-6 gays around her at all times.
  
  
  • PEEPS: Let's not forgot how it started, Brad & Jenn REASON: Brad now banging the sometimes sporty, always sexy, Ms. Jolie.
  
  
  • PEEPS: Renee Zellwigger and Keney Chesney REASON: He is gay.
  
  
  • PEEPS: Tori Spelling & Lover REASON: She just sobered up from a four year binge and realized a new nose job and husband were in order. Then she flashed her vagina at some papparazzi.
  
  
  • PEEPS: Myself & Franziska REASON: Oh Franziska stop complaining, you got your green card.


• The rumor-mill is a buzz with this Demi & Ashton wedding and sources say it was a hoax for Punk'd. Huh, that sounds like a lame thing to do, it must be true, Ashton's never let me down before! Like a rock he is, you can always count on him to be lame.


• Crush-Factor (1-10): Ryan Renyolds: 9 - Jesse Metcalfe: 10 - The Rock: 9.5 - Jake Gyllenhall: 8.5 - Heath Ledger: 9.5 - robots: 3 - Bill O' Reilly: 0 sorry Bill, you're disgusting.


• X-tina just had her bachlorette party, could her wedding be just days away? I don't mind X-tina getting married cuz i can count on her to always be slutty/great, ain't no man's gonna tell her to put panties on!


• Micheal Jackson is beefing up his image and we can look forward to a more "macho" less "gay pedophile" MJ. I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything more macho than a gay pedophile.


• And last but not least, Britney's baby is what we in the gossip biz call "fool's gold" it for some reason is big bucks but only fools care about blurry pics of a wrapped up baby. It's a baby, they all look the same: like a baby; especially when they are all wrapped up. How bout the tabloids start covering stuff that really matters, like exclusive screen shots of Jake and Heath making out on Brokeback Mountain.
  

Check Out This Comment Someone Gave Me

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The Gayest Post Ever: part fiventy

• The magic of some movies is so powerful that it destroys lesser movies (movies without gay sex) in it's wake. This colossal movie, of coarse, is: Brokeback Mountain, quite possibly the most suggestive title for a gay cowboy movie ever, and there is finally a release date: 12/9/05, and a TRAILER!!! Remember to wear your chaps to the screening, it's just polite.


• Elijah Wood gets gay with the scottish guy from Lost a.k.a Merry a.k.a a Mary a.k.a Dominic Monaghan. This erotic tale of torrid hobbit love sounds hot, I wanna hear more! Well then let's go over the sexy details....
  
  
  
  1. Butt sex.
  
  
  2. A photo of them holding hands would really seal the deal, wouldn't it?! Well there is one, but I can't seem to find it, but there is one.
  
  
  3. The two gays were living together for a while, where I bet they did a lot of hand holding...
  
  
  4. "Dom", as Elijah refers to Dominic of coarse, has neither squashed or confirmed the allegations, further fueling this rumor so furious there is a website all about it!
  
  
• Brad Pitt to be nude on film! Way nude, I mean penis nude people! I think he's trying to one up Colin Farrell or something, sort of a mid-life crisis thing. Like "Talk about my penis people! How bout some attention for MY penis!" But I totally condone this type of behavior, keep up the good work Brad!


• My Sweet Sixteen featured a male this week, it was fabulously embarrassing and it involved a lot of him clapping and referring to those around him as "people." For once I'd like to see somebody humble on that show, but then I guess a modest person isn't going to throw a $200,000 party. It would be nice if one person would not say "Everyone wants to be me" though, it's gross.


• Enough about the gays, what about reasonable people with natural sexual desires, what are they up to?!
  
  
  
  • Omarosa VS Janice Dickinson. I am def for Janice Dickinson, seeing as that Omarosa makes my skin crawl. Plus Janice Dickinson actually had a career. Oh that's gotta hurt Omarosa! Busted! You suck!
  
  
  • War at Home, a new show on fox after the Simpsons, in Arrested Development's old slot, is actually pretty good. Watch it if you dare.
  
  
  • Making of the band 3 returns Oct 6th you guys, get ready for red hot R&B, girls with big hair and dance fevers.
  
  
  • So Paris Hilton had some charges against her in Maryland for intoxicating a minor and has since had them dropped. Now me and Paris Hilton have something in common, only i had sex with my minor, wait I bet she did too, now we have TWO things in common!
  
  
  • Demi Moore and Ashton married?! Who gives a fuck! Ever notice how they look like dogs, Demi of coarse being a Bull dog.

I love Jesse Metcalfe

No No, not THIS Jesse Metcalf

But THIS hunk of man-meat Jesse Metcalfe

Why do I love Jesse Metcalfe? Oh I dunno.. cause he's PERFECT!!! Seriously, he is a God and all of us lesser being should worship him. See look:

So if any of you see Jesse around, you better not say anything to embarrass me or I will totally kill you. But do coerce him into taking naked pictures, k? k!
Now, Jesse, I love you, but what the fuck is this all about???!

That Old Haunt, The Barbara

I recently had the great privilege to finally visit California! And let me tell you it's da best. First of all Santa Barbara is beautiful, as well as my hostess Lindsay "Skullz" Schulz. I spent most of my carefree days soaking in the sights and sounds of tan people and mexicans. I even made out with a few mexicans, I know I know, but with everyone being so tan it's hard to weed them out.

Some highlights for the trip include: Lindsay falling in a bar wearing 4 inch stilettos and having almost no one witness the humiliation (I believe embarrassing situations should be enjoyed by all); going into an empty gay bar and immediately retreating; watching a chick in a cage/balcony dance in her panties for hours; drinking myself into a frenzy; seeing the movie The Hole(anyone seen it??) and being confused from then on; forcing my SB friends to ask every questionable guy if he was gay (totaling about 50 inquires); struggling to tell the difference between streets all containing "ca" and "illo"; and hot tubbing with a strange angry boy who promised to make me a "star". But the main highlight of my trip was THE MAP OF THE STARS!!!

Seriously if you are ever in Beverly Hills and looking for something to do, pull over and buy a map to the star's homes from one of the many mexicans on the side of the road, you'll be glad you did. If you can't afford a map just go on Doheny, apparently every celeb ever lives on that road. So we started our journey with Paris Hilton's abode, and at this point we were still working out the logistics of the map so we circled the area for a good half hour before finding the estate. We then continued through the incredibly curvy and confusing streets of Beverly Hills and checked out:

• Brad's "bachelor pad", and by bachelor pad I mean 7 story bushes and a solid black gate;


• Hally Berry's beautiful and flowery abode;


• Babyface's people ushering us to pass by before being attacked;


• Madonna's driveway, maybe?;


• The Osbourne's infamous house and gargoyle head gate complete with some of Jack's friends parked in their car outside, pointing and laughing at us for being total creepy stalkers/losers checking out the star's homes. Then as fate would have it we almost passed by again for a second helping of humiliation.

Now the best way to go star hunting is to be in an unwashed Camry with red Sox dice on the mirror this way you stick out like a sore thumb and the Mercedes that pass you know you are star-hunting, although don't hesitate to hide the map taking up the entire front seat of the car when they drive by. It does get a little intimidating at times, I think Lindsay said it best with: "I don't think I have ever been so scared of the stars in my life." But stay in there, the payoff is worth it, and by " the payoff" I mean "the views of celebrity gates."

Now check out these hottest of hot pics!!

Emergency Post: Cheese Factor Breaks Roof!

• The BackStreet Boys' cheesy new video where the boyz pretend to be a heavy metal hair band brings me to tears for all the wrong awful reasons. I didn't know a cliche could frighten you so badly.


• For more chills check out Will Smith's latest "jams."


• In anti-cheese news, The Reality Show on Mtv is sure to be a big hit. No seriously, I am not being sarcastic, it really does look super great. I don't quite get how it works (will there be weekly cuts?) but I am intrigued. So check it out ya'll!

Housewives Give Handjobs out of Desperation

• Britain has released a list of it's "most useless celebs", [ for those of you who read thesuperficial, i know, this is old hat ]. And this list includes every famous British person I have ever heard of, like Posh & Becks, Tony Blair and the Royal Family. So I guess people in the UK don't like their own celebs or something... and find their prime-minister "useless."


• I love anything to do with gossip about Desperate Housewives cuz the tabloids always use some pun about being desperate or "Wisteria Lane" like "On Wisteria Lane the housewives are anything but desperate." or "Who's desperate for a hand-job on Wisteria Lane?" or "Which housewife is desperately desperate to give a hand-job?" I forgot to mention the media likes to talk about hand-jobs a lot too.


• Michelle from Destiny's Child eats shit and then Kelly looks at her like she's not famous and I don't think Beyonce even notices. Let us all give thanks to James for sending me the link to this priceless moment, especially since watching peeps fall down is my favorite pastime.


• 8 children were found locked in cages by a crazy pair of foster parents or were they so crazy?... The investigator had this to say: "Basically, the parents thought they were providing for the protection of the children from themselves and from each other. They thought there was circumstances with these children that warranted the cages at night." Huh, sounds like werewolves to me.


• How Kirsten Dunst gets a boyfriend at all, let alone super hotties like Jake Gyllenhaal and Orlando Bloom, is totally beyond me. She has the worst tits in Hollywood and a very harsh face, I mean could you imagine having your pick of any chick ever and choosing her as your number one. Even I would pick a hotter girl, and I am super gay, so gay I can't even pick a female out of a line up. But I can pick out ugly so I would at least stay clear of her.


• A rumored duel between Pam Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith can only be settled one way: a battle of wits, i mean tits, a battle of tits, like a topless triathlon.


• How come I never hear about the fascinating X-tina Aguilera, but people are forever going on about Britney "waste-of-space" Spears?! Look now I'm talking about Brit, oh jeez. From now on I promise to keep readers abreast of what's up with Christina, and speaking of a breast, did she get a new boob job? Now they are REALLY perky and sorta do a ski jump flip up, like an elf shoe or something.
  

Am I Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?!

These "anonymous" people keep posting ads under my comment section. Sup with that?! Why would these people try to soil my hard work by advertising on the Purest of Prattle. Vengeance will be had.

The Olsen's Get Pubes... and more!!!

• I know I have talked about this before, but I hate the Olsen's, maybe not the blond one - whom i hear wants to get a boob job since it looks like she is never gonna hit puberty. But I def hate Mary Kate - whom i hear was bitching out her ex-boys new model crush, Model Whatsherface. I guess MK feels like she needs to keep every guys she's ever dated around and in love with her. This way when she finally gets her period and becomes fertile she can have her pick of a bunch of different strapping young lads.


• Okay now this is ridiculous, allegedly, Britknee Spears Ya'll, saw a Frito that looked like a two headed baby and decided to stop eating Fritos until the baby is born. How much did this Frito look like a two headed baby is what I wanna know, was it the curvature of the Frito that reminded her of an embryo or something. God I have so many questions about this story... Can you even have a two-headed baby? Are Cheetos okay for her to eat? What if she found a two-headed Cheeto? What kind of person trusts omens they find in snack foods? Where was K-Fed when all this happened? What happened to Britney anyways? Why did she dupe we the people by first acting all like a innocent sex-pot and then turning out to be a chubby idiot with acne?


• I actually love David LaChapelle and I think he's really talented - or at least I really like his photos and such, did you know he did the Burger King commercial with Hootie!! Well, he had some pretty awful things to say about the Simpson sisters, something along the lines of: "They are the worst things to ever happen in the World, I would barf on them." and all because they didn't want him to do their Rolling Stone cover. I guess the girls realized they prolly couldn't use their gratingly cheesy smiles and/or open mouth poses and would have to be edgy sexy.


• BTW - is this war still going on? This is really ridiculous, where are we getting the money for all this? I better not get screwed in this whole thing, I'll be pissed. I never wanted to wage war on Iraq in the first place!!


• Colin Farrell, a leather-daddy?


• Lance Armstrong (who i thought was already married to Sheryl Crow) recently proposed to Ms. Crow with a little yellow rubber ring. I sorta want one of those, wait, i think rubber might be the new black. Finally my rubber sheets will seem "cool."


• I am so sick of Gwyneth Paltrow thinking people care about her!!!

Safety Tips!

• Ashlee Simpson's new CD is tilted "I Am Me", she nixed her other choice "I Am Not Me" cuz after hours of deliberating she decided that was incorrect.


• The Kanye West video to "Golddiggers" makes me hot you guys. I am worried. Those chicks look pretty good.

• I have only seen HBO's Rome for a second and what I saw was tits.


• I have seen almost every Entourage though and I like 'em, but nothing ever really happens. It has certain dramas but they are very simple, like Vince and Mandy go out, Vince and Mandy no go out, Vince gets pussy, Turtle plays video games, it's like a soap opera for straight guys.


• Aeonflux is a good reason to wait to kill yourself till after December 2nd.


• If you can't wait that long, just wait until Doom Comes out October 21st. God I love the Rock, no seriously, Lord can you do something about this? Help me out man!


• No word yet from the gay cowboy movie, could it just come out already?


• drug rumor of the day: Jessica Simpson, big hair like that can only mean one thing.


• gay rumor of the week: (oh yes, this one's all week) Gepetto, what was he building all those wooden boys for anyway...

Celebrity Feuds!

I have always said autumn is the best time for rivalries, the foliage makes a great backdrop for outdoor duels, and it's just in time for the holidays.

• Tyson Beckford is apparently never modeling again because he is mad a P. Diddz for using his image for Sean John past his contract, or something like that. I assume they got in a fight about it and Tyson is now "showing Puffy" by quitting his job. Great idea! That'll show Puffy! Don't people always say: living in squalor is the best revenge, was that it? But let's be serious, Tyson probably hasn't modeled in forever anyways and he surely has a vault of gold coins he swims around in like Scrooge McDuck. So he basically just wanted to give a big public, "Fuck You!" to P. Diddy. Is Tyson Beckford gay? This seems sorta catty, he MUST be gay.


• Now this one is my fav: Lindsay Lohan, for some coke-outed reason, called up the Duff sisters and was hung up on by the Haylie one! Then Hillary called Lindsay back and was like "I don't like people playing on my phone!" Then Hillary used some windex and paper towels to shine her big teeth. Woah, that was really catty of me... am I gay?


• Kanye West said "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Duh. He apparently said this off-the-cuff remark on some live broadcast and was immediately cut-off, then viewers were diverted to Janet Jackson exposing her nipple.


• I think it's about time we the people fueled the rivalry between Madonna and Mariah Carey, I think this is a good one to invest in.


• Ah, the feud between "Vegas" and "London" to see which city is the stupider name for Britney's baby. K-Fed of coarse wants Vegas, while the classier Britney is gunning for London. Awww, that's so sweet Britney, isn't that the city where Kevin left his wife and baby momma for you? What a great guy, you should ALWAYS remember that wonderful place!
  

side note: the tabloids constantly report that Brad and Angelina are living in his "bachelor pad", I don't get it? Are they both bachelors?