This Just In: Absurdity Close to Being Over

That picture of red-necks crying can only mean one thing! That one girl has a skin rash on her arm!! No no, it means us inconsiderate rational thinking sinners win again, Terri's dead!!! And aren't we just awful America, I can not believe that everyone in America didn't join these protesters in caring about one person who didn't even know...well anything. Ya know there a bunch of homeless people that I am pretty sure freeze to death in DC all the time and I don't see a bunch of protesters cryin' about it!!! This whole Terri S. issue was incredibly retarded (no pun intended)! One person who doesn't even have the ability to think is not more important than your real lives people!! So go home protesters and find something else to whine about, or you could spend more time with alive people or make a difference for people who can actually feel pain, like all those dying homeless people or something. I think this all really comes down to Jesus, he has got to stop fuckin' things up! You know he's behind this whole Bush thing!!! And God help me if someone whines on another comment about me being insensitive, cause I am very sensitive, especially on the tip of my peni.....oh, nevermind.

Inferno 2, Update 3: Everybody Gets F'd in the A!

This week on a bone chilling Inferno Julie is annoying (what a surprise), Beth sticks it to everyone (a nice change from being sticked by everyone, slut!) and Brad loses sexy points!

First of all Julie sucks and is really weird, she seems like the kind of girl who would iron a smily face on her Jansport backpack with extra strap support, oh, and carry a bag lunch, loser.

Secondly, everyone gets screwed on this challenge as greed comes back to bite everyone, specially Tina (Ms. Hot Tamale), in the A. So everyone tries to get Tina to win so they can publicly execute Beth (great idea!), however all they succeed in doing is losing and pissing off Beth who is now stuck on their team. And with Beth in the house, Tonya has to stay in a hotel, so how is anyone gonna get any pussy? Come back Tonya so we can cum on your back! (that was gross and I apologize)

Finally we get to the issue of Brad, my lover. He was kind of being a baby this episode and was all mad at Robin for trying to play dirty cause he apparently is a saint. Brad it seems likes to play fair cause he is a noble knight living in a castle and trying to woe a maiden or some shit. Wake up Brad, 'tis the 21st century and no one plays fair, perhaps Brad has been hanging out with Julie or something. I almost think I saw him whisper WWJD to himself. Brad, I'm una need you to beat the MIZ to death with a tire iron while listening to NIN if i'm una keep masturbating to you, k? k!

Oh, and Robin went home which makes me sad cause I love her (her teats that is) and Tina apparently is some sort of government operative trained to kill, or maybe that's just her bitchiness incarnate.

Sin City vs. The Hulk, The Best & Worst of Comic Book Movies

Sin City: Sexy ladies, and more sexy ladies!!!! like Jessica Alba!!
The Hulk: A dorky looking guy.

Sin City: non-stop crazy action with super cool effects!
The Hulk: a few explosions...some rumble....

Sin CIty: visuals that were not only amazing but provided a comic book panel feel and were full of true artistic insipiration.
The Hulk: features every editing wipe available in a pathetic attempt to be "comic-y"; they even use a star swipe to cut to a little girls dance recital.

Sin City: never seen anything like it. The definition of Eye Candy (except for lil' Kim)
The Hulk: see it every time I watch the into to the Forensic Files: tubes with liquid spinning, beakers and tons of intelligible read-outs coming up on several screens. Who wants to watch data loading on a screen? No one that's who, not even the scientists. And honestly, one "getting science work done" montage is enough for one movie, maybe two, but that's pushing it.

Sin City: Did I mention hookers with machine guns? And that one Gilmore Girl (who turns out is ba-ba-bangin'!!!)
The Hulk: old man with rabid poodle.

Sin City: Da Best!!
The Hulk: Da Worst!!!

C' mon People, C'mon!

I want everyone to go check out CNN.com right now and notice how that frickin' Terri shit is the main story, taking up half the site, and then look at the list of other main headlines. Do you see a discrepancy? Perhaps one in the amount of importance and relevance to real issues? What if this never stops! This is the longest fifteen minutes ever!!

Pat O'Brien, the New Perv in Town?

There have been many pervs throughout celebrity-culture history, Michael Jackson, Eddie Murphy and who could forget Bill O'Reilly! Well boyz, there's a new king in town.....Pat "I wanna suck your tits" O'Brien. For those of you who have had the pleasure to listen to his greatest performace, a voicemail recording, you can back me up when I say Pat wants "to watch while Betsey eats [some other girl, let's call her SOG]." Also SOG is "so fuckin' hot" that Pat feels he needs to repeat it about twenty times a message, that phrase is sort of his filler while he talks about her "hot fuckin' tits" or something. Arguably the best part of the recordings (mind you O'Brien basically repeats verbatim the same dialogue each message, so i this happens more than once) is when he tells SOG that if she wants in on this freaky sex feast she can "just look me in the eyes and say 'yes'", great plan Pat! Where did you come up with that one, using human interaction and the word 'yes' to express confirmation, what a strange idea, pervert!

He also harassed some gays, apparently sexily, i mean sexually.

Old News: Brad Pitt is Beautiful

Brad Pitt was quoted saying Ashton Kutcher is "hot" in a recent magazine. This to me, means 1. Brad Pitt is gay & 2. Brad Pitt loves me (even though the evidence would point to him loving Ashton). This is the greatest day of my life! Check out his hot pic!!

This Just In: Don't Read My Site if You Don't Like It

In stead of name calling if you don't like what I have to say, go fuck yourself and stop reading my posts. And if you don't agree with my views I certainly don't want to hear about it. This is not a discussion board, write your own blog!

Terri Schiavo, Most Important Person in the World

Apparently, Terri Schiavo has sky-rocketed to super stardom as she becomes the most important person in the history of the world, ever! Brian-dead cripples are so hot right now! And they are certainly a matter of national importance, hell, global importance. I wonder how France feels about this whole thing. I bet France thinks the whole thing is retarded and that no one really cares about this woman. Does stuff like this not happen all the time, why is it so important this time?! I bet she's republican. I mean when someone is brain dead and most likely in pain and anguish then put them out of their misery, or don't, I don't care, and neither should you. We have to stop this killing or not killing of people, people! It doesn't have to do with us or celebrities so if we all collectively stop caring maybe the journalists will pick up on the lame-factor of brain-dead republicans.

Mario Vasquez and P. Diddy in Cahoots?

It seems Mario and Diddy have really pulled the wool over the nation's eyes in their latest ruse. These two rouges are apparently farce experts and will stop at nothing to bamboozle America. Mario and Diddy's plot made manifest their intent to hoodwink and hornswoggle the public. These wily creatures are not to be trusted! We as Americans must thwart these shenanigans and if we acquit them of this fraudulent artifice, what then? Their next hair-brained scheme could find them in league with the devil himself and it's common knowledge that Bezzlebub is well-versed in swindling. I for one am befuddled! You can abscond Mario and P. Diddy but you can't ensconce.

Inferno 2: Update 2!: Brad Gets Very Little Air Time : (

Well, looks like sluts are more popular with viewers than hunk-meat (Brad), since the last two Infernos were a taco buffet. Girls talking, girls fighting, falling down, applying make-up, lacing up their corsets i assume..... There were however some important guy moments. Jon, who I will refer to from now on as jesus freak or JF, has a turkey neck, it's pretty disturbing. Thankfully they showed a real nice profile of it with the sun hitting it just so.... JF went to the Inferno last week and was confronted by someone I know (met) personally, Gay Dan from the Real World! As a wise Dean once told me, Dan is adorable and is a charmer (you've captured my heart, Dan). Then at the Inferno, jesus freak gets kicked off by a gay guy yanking down on JF's torso with his crotch. Naturally Julie, the mormon, was so upset by the blasphemy that she put a hex on everyone with her insidious ranting. In conclusion, Robin's boobs are sooooo big!

Devil's Face Appears on Turtle Shell, Hello Ebay!

"MICHIGANTOWN, Indiana (AP) -- An Indiana pet store owner says he sees the image of Satan on the shell of a turtle that was the only survivor of a store fire in October."

This is a true story about a complete idiot, who most likely is dangerously crazy and/or morbidly obese. Someone should kill people like this and they should kill the people who report it on the main news story bar on CNN.com. Come on people is this really news?! I see the face of satan every time I look in the mirror (and let me tell you, satan is hot!) and you don't see me selling myself on E-bay, well not just my face. Oh, I'm not positive that he is selling said turtle on E-bay but these hardcore christians are always looking for the big bucks from other crazy hardcore christians. Speaking of Jesus freaks the next time one bothers me at work (they like to come to the gay neighborhoods, that's where the most heathens are) I'm una bitch slap 'em and tell them to shut their fucking mouths! Too extreme? I think they can take it, ya know, for Jesus.

Fuck Jesus! For more religion bashing check out my other posts!

Update: Omarion Driving Me Crazy

Why is it that this guy is making music and why is it that some big-wig somewhere demanded that they play it every other song on internet radio, sorta like that Frankie Bush song (not as annoying right off the bat but by the tenth time it's excruciating). His lyrics are so stupid, not like "dancing like we're naked, oh, it's almost like we're sexin'" which is clearly priceless. No, this lyrics are just bad and not bad enough to be silly and/or entertaining. Plus he has this monster body and then the stupidest face and clothes and stuff. I don;t care if someone is going to be lame and suck, but just keep it out of my face, Omarion!

Mario Vasquez Quits 'American Idol' to Concentrate on Being my Boyfriend

Popular contestent, Mario Vazquez, on the hit talent show, 'American Idol', decided Monday it would be best if left the show to concentrate on being a good boyfriend to me, Robert Farish. Mario hardly ever takes me out anymore or even complements the way I look. He was just too busy and it was putting a strain on our relationship, so I told MArio it was me or the show! And since Mario has undying love for me, he clearly choose our relationship. He decided his dreams of superstardom were not nearly as important as being by my side and doing what I want. I agree, sorry America, but I have to go have sex with my latin lover, suckas!!!!!

Britney Voted Best Legs, Voters Intoxicated

In one of those fine gossip publications, Britney Spears made the 10 Best Legs list. Accompanying her position was a photo of her man legs. They are thick like tree trucks, sorta like that duck from Duckman, remember that show, 'twas creepy. Anyway, she reminds me of a stumpy gnome or other woodland creature. Oh, and Mr. Federline apparently is stinky, so now he's gross to all the senses.

Madonna Sued Over Sexual Harassment

Apparently one of Madonna's employees at some sort of thing she owns says that company ignored claims of sexual harassment. I don't see the problem, it said right on the application "leather chaps are mandatory." I understand it's bad when alter boys get molested cause the one place they are supposed to be safe is in the church. But you've got to expect some kinky shit when you're working for Madonna, come on people, don't you remember those cones she wore on her titties. Hell, the only reason I would work for her is if I thought I could get some hot molestation action out of it.

RWRR Challenge, Inferno 2: Update #1

Yea!!! The Real World Row Rahul Chall.....oh, you know, those sexy motherfuckers are back for more sexy shirtless TV!!! As you all know my favorite is that T-bone steak, Brad, what goes better with olive skin and huge guns better than puppy dog eyes, God he's beautiful....Now that I am done touching myself, back to the update.

Other totty hotties are:
CT, a bull dog with a nasty attitude and colossus body, I think he might be really really stupid though.
Robin, the hugest teeters ever on the challenge! "Got mIlk?" Micheal Jackson, you calm down right now young man!
Landon, a four year old in Heman's body. Speaking of Heman don't take his cause he'll crwhy, awwhhh!
The Miz, I guess he's hot, is he?
Jamie, she's a delicate as silk.

Peeps that suck:
Julie, she's frickin' morman for cryin out loud!
Dan, makes us gays look..well....creepy.
Beth, her super power is whining.

Other players to look out for:
Veronica and Tonya, these bitches throw down! I'm una send them a case of Midol.
Rachel, she seems like a crazy bitch too.

Players we will miss:
Shane, a little cutie with a bit of sass.
Coral, is it even a challenge without her telling everyone how it is.

Regardless of who is on the show this one promises to be great! I also hear Tonya and Beth get into a fight and Beth walks off the show. Don't you worry these updates will be a weekly thing, so there is soooo much more to come!

This Just In: Current Affair is Back!

And with a dangerous new slogan: "We dare to go there". Oh no they didn't! I didn't think they were gonna go there, but those sassy ass mother fuckers went there, can you believe it America! Don't mess with investigative journalism based on lies and the destruction of innocent lives for ratings, cause they will go there. So next time you are selling old meat or hustlin' seniors out of medicine, you better watch it cause Current Affair is going there!

As a side note I used to watch Current Affair religiously with my parents back in the 80's when you couldn't see stuff like that on a regular basis, but with Fox basically breaking up Current Affair into fifty different filthy shows its like a mini-Current Affair every time you turn on the TV. Current Affair is like When Animals Attack plus Cops plus whatever entertainment show they have plus the Littlest Groom. Agreed? Agreed! There is one part of Current Affair that I like and miss: that sound effect they play at the beginning, ya know it's kinda like a "dunda shzroom" almost like the American Idol sound effect.

The is Just In: Omarion is the Worst

I am actually surprised by the fact that Omarion alone is actually worse than B2K together. If you look at this logically, B2K sucks so bad, they make the most obnoxious music I've ever heard and are almost parodying themselves with all this "oh, girl" "girl, i need you" "your the one girl" bullshit. And there are what, four members of B2K so just one member on his own should be only a fourth as bad. But I am impressed with Omarion, he has actually managed to suck four times as hard as B2K together, literally flipping his suck ratio right around to suck like none other. The best part is, his album debuted a number one, reaffirming my stance that America is chock full of idiots.

ps: Omarion, you're toast!

Martha Stewart Bakes Me a CupCake!

That hot old piece of ass finally strutted her stuff right out of the penitentiary the other day and hasn't stopped baking since. Scrumptious Apple Fritters, a delicate Belgian mousse cake that is one of Martha's most favorite guilty pleasures, a fluffy and light spinach souflee....the list goes on. She even roasted some almonds to go with her dried fruit for a fun snack that you can take while kaiaking or any WASPy sport. Of coarse with the aroma of fresh spring flowers, Martha won't keep to the kitchen for long, she has much to do with tending to her spring lilies! The lush greens of her garden will soon sprout pink buds, playing Peek-a-Boo with Martha. How can see resist the fine art of tending to different herbs and spices. Plus the table arrangements, oh the table arrangements, there is nothing more sophisticated than a rather polished assortment of fine silver gleaming off a ninely pressed linen drape......(for more Martha speak, watch her show, it's priceless!)

Starbucks Changes "Espresso to "Up Juice"

The evil people at the Starbucks Corporation announced Monday they would be changing the word "Espresso" on all their evil paraphernalia to "Up Juice". PR rep, Lord of the Underworld, stated in a press conference "We want to attract a young audience, specifically ages 5-12. We feel in order for our empire to suck the money out of every human being on this planet, we need to start young, that's when the blood is the freshest, I mean that's when they are most susceptible to advertising and building addictions. I meant to say, 'Up Juice' is fun and gimme your money!!!!!" So I think its safe to say Starbucks wants your money and you better hand it over! Also hand over your kids, those underground armies aren't gonna build themselves people.

This Just In: Dean Also Pregnant

Seems like the "it" thing to do in Bloggywood is for all the A-list bloggers to carry the son of Lucifer, and Robert Dean of the Neurotic Monkey is no exception. Our sources confirm that he in fact IS pregnant with yet another spawn of the devil. Dean had this comment to make at a press conference earlier today "My lil' shnock'ems will be twice as evil and ten times as cute as Kathryn Garfield's unholy offspring, plus she's a whore." Could Kathryn's whore status have played a role in her being chosen by satan himself? We don;t know, but we do know she sells drugs to the retarded. Robert Dean, being a male, was naturally shocked by the revelation that he was pregnant, especially since a powerful hex, brought on my a garment featuring animated characters has apparently kept him from getting laid. Dean says "This is my calling, I see that now, I must gather virgin blood for my baby so he can grow nice and strong and bring this world to its knees. He will devour the souls of the infidels, starting with the whore child of Kathryn Garfield." No word yet on what role Angelina will play in all this, but its probably something super sexy like a goddess or a tomb raider.

This Just in: Katie Garfield is Pregnent!!!

It's true the long time editor of the Garflog is with child!!!! But don't bother sending booties or anything featuring Pooh bear, this child it seems is the result of an immaculate conception by the Devil himself!!! The child it seems is a demon spawn destined to slither from the young woman's womb on the 9th moon cycle and then will most likely ravage the local townspeople, using their hearts for sustenance as it grows to full size and strength only to rule this pathetic earth with a fiery fist. Ms. Garfield's rep refuses to comment and denies any involvement with Angelina Jolie (yeah right). It seems the demon child will most likely take Angelina down into the underworld to be his eternal sex slave, which sources agree is not a bad idea. But what about Ms. Garfield in all this, doesn't she deserve a spot at the right hand of her evil son? Sources say she is happy just to be Angelina Jolie's mother-in-law and is already planning a rather delicious thanksgiving.