Paula Abdul Passes Out Drugs to American Idol Contestents

Paula Abdul's drug habits seem to be rubbing off on the contestants, and even before they knew they were gonna be on the show. I don't know how she gets to them, but she does! Bo Bice, the sexy long-haired rocker from the show has apparently been arrested for cocaine and weed more than once in the last few years (that would explain the long-hair, frickin' hippies!) Clearly he got these drugs from pill-monster Paula Abdul before having sex with her. But more importantly this is bound to be good for other contestents, like Vonzelle, the sexy nubian princess that is going to have my beautiful mixed babies, which I will be selling on e-bay. So stay tuned to buy my baby!!!

My Wildest Dreams; All Lies!!!

My recent post on these super cool guys finding buried treasure in a sunken ship in their backyard while playing pirates turns out to be one big lie! These guys have been arrested, clearly under the charge of toying with my emotions. Those bastards got my hopes up for finding gold deblumes, and they will pay!!!!

I Dig Up Entire Capital City on Search for Booty

Check out this story about these guys that find buried treasure in their backyard, gold and silver coins and probably rupees! This is my dream come true (to someone else that is). Is this not everyone's fantasy: that they will be being sponge-washed by hookers while doing some yard work and stumble upon infinite riches. Honestly, tell me that is not everyone's fantasy, tell me, I dare you!

Well Fuck You Too, Avril Lavigne!!

Am I the only one who thought Avril Lavigne would have gone away by now? Well clearly she hasn't, and we are going to need a better strategy to thwart her for good! Did you know that punk rocker bitch carries a Louie!!! And it doesn't even have any punk indie band iron-on patches either! Ashlee Simpson went away, why can't Avril go with her, they can go to an island together! Avril's bat teeth will be great for getting through those pesky fruit rinds. And Ashlee can...i dunno....tan or sumpin. My point being they don't deserve to be on the mainland with the rest of us.

Something About Paula Abdul, Again? Jeez!

Well the latest gossip in AbdulGate 2005 is the steamiest yet, so stand back!! It seems a really gross Justin Gaurini wanna-be that was kicked off the show for being a crazy violent maniac is going to publish a book! And he is certainly illiterate so by publish I mean he is going to put his name on it and maybe fabricate a story or two. One of these tall-tales (or are they?) from Corey Clark, the crackhead in question, is that Paula gets all the crack she does from him, j/k that hasn't been proven. Seriously though, he claims they had an affair, butt-sex most likely. If it was Ryan Seacrest in question then maybe I would consider the legitimacy of this accusation, but come on! it's Paula Abdul! Robots don't have genitals and if she's not a robot I'm sure she's all dried up by now, the eighties were crazy!

Paris Hilton's Gina!

Click Here to See It!!

Certain gossip media busybodies have disclosed that Paris Hilton shows her vagina in VIP rooms. Sure the source is some old flibbertigibbet who got a call from some girl Paris pissed off, Nicole Riche probably, but it's still most likely true. And that is the type of person I respect. A person who has all the money in the world and still wants to exploit themselves for no reason and show everyone their pussy.

More Hootie!!

Would everyone stop e-mailing me demanding I post more hot items on Hootie sans Blowfish! Here you go! Ya'll might remember that Pure Prattle reported on this breaking news story a while back, but it was nothing this extensive.
Tender Crisp Bacon Chedder Ranch

Some Pun About a Nanny and Dirty Laundry

So the super sexy couple Posh and Becks, which I believe is their beloved moniker, are in an uproar over their nanny publishing naughty secrets. Intimate tid-bits like: Posh loves Cheetos, goes into gas station bathroom stalls without shoes on and wears embarrassing hippie skirts everyday.... oh wait, I mean Posh is probably a crazy bitch and Becks probably has like hundreds of women trying to have sex with him at all times and there is just so much one man's D (defense) can do. If he has sex with a few I figure he is still doing pretty good and Posh should shut up and have a baby, that'll show her. But more importantly this reminds me of the time my nanny published all my horrible secrets. I fucked that bitch up good.

Inferno 2, Update 7: Lord, Please Kill Veronica

Does anyone else think Veronica reminds them of J-Lo? Maybe that's why I hate her so much and just like J-Lo she gets way too much exposure. How 'bout some Jamie air-time, that girl is so adorably hot they should clone her, but NO we need to get a play-by-play of of Veronica and Rachel's romance. It's just like the tabloids and J-Lo; and Jamie is Jessica Alba. I want to see more of the daily life of Jamie and Jessica Alba, what da ya think America? Some Brad would be nice too....

Absent from this episode was Tonya, what's wit dat? Veronica, that whore, did however make a snide comment about throwing clothes in the pool, as if Veronica's not a crazy bitch.

Onto the mission......it was...something, but what's important is the lifesaver winner won a 42" Plasma TV!! Which is the best motivation do anything ever, especially for males, who definitely pulled it out this mission (ya know, pulled out their A-game not their penis). CT even said "I don't care who wins, I just want that TV," now that's being a team player, dick. Even the girls did okay, Jodi kicked Veronica's ass because apparently Veronica "wasn't trying that hard" which is by far the most little bitch excuse I have ever heard, God I hate Veronica......

Landon ended up winning the life saver winner in some sort of sick demonstration at physical prowess and can now watch his Heman DVD on a huge TV! Too bad Brad didn't win it, though he was close, cause I am so sick of watching our little 13" while we snuggle on the couch and stuff and he tells how much he loves me and we make out......

During the mission Julie did what Jesus would have done, which of coarse is, praise his name "Dear Lord please help me get that flag, oh Lord.." Oh coarse the heathens on the ground laughed at her and rightly so. Julie, you are a jesus fish.

Then there was the Inferno in which Jodi lost miserably to that piece of shit, Veronica, by getting dizzy and falling down. It was all clipped together like an America's Funniest Home Video; they should have added those 'boink' sound effects. When Jodi lost of coarse Dan, who I believe is once again the "Biggest Bitch in the House 2005" (not to be confused with "Miss Teen Pool Tiffany's House 2005" which is clearly Tiffany Thompson), berates poor Jodi with comments like "And YOU picked her!" and "Karma's a bitch!" Is Dan the new Coral? Let's stay tuned to find out...........

Maria Carey Hits Number One

According to Maria Carey, "these chickens is ash and I'm lotion". And it's true Maria Carey is hotter than a chicken and no doubt her skin probably feels nicer against the genitals than chicken skin. But America, is someone who compares them self to fowl really the type of person who deserves the number one spot on the BIllboard charts?? Now, a mallard...that'd be different

This Just in: America Finally Catchs On

I don't know if you lovely readers remember my posting months ago reporting on Paula Abdul being a crackhead, but America has finally taken notice of my obvious reporting. It seems I am not the only one who thinks she acts like a weird robot that runs on drugs. CNN even ran the following quote: "[They discovered she was a pill-monster after] reading messages posted on the Fox talent show's Web site that attributed her odd antics to drug addiction." While I didn't post my findings on the Idols website I am still going to assume they are talking about me and I did a good job breakin' this one wide-open!! Maybe I'll get a job at the Gawker......

oh by the way, apparently she has a lot of problems, none of them being drugs however....so she's just crazy?

The Simple Strife

One Paris Hilton has recently issued a statement claiming that her and the Pure Prattle's favorite, Nicole Riche, are no longer friends. She also added "Nicole knows what she did" just before rubbing her face in it and hitting her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

**side note: Oh Man, everywhere I turn there I see the headline "The Simple Strife" I thought I was so fucking clever when I came up with that, but I guess it's painfully obvious. Who knew tabloids had such an extended vocabulary***

Inferno 2, Update 6: Jodi's a Ho!

So it turns out every girl is slutty, even if they have mousey brown hair and act like a 12 year old, and Jodi is no exception.

We start out this episode by Jodi vying for the Miz's attention by, of coarse, taking off all her clothes. The Miz seems to really enjoy this female degradation and tells her if he does not see her "butt-naked" body in ten seconds he is taking the towel away forcing her dripping wet flesh to be exposed to any pervs (besides the Miz) that might be looking. Of coarse this humiliating incident is drowned out by giggles in an attempt to mask the molestation that's taking place.

We then cut to Tonya who actually calls the other girls "mean", that's weird cause Tonya has no feelings. The other girls, Veronica, Tina and Rachel, respond by saying "We are the least of your problems". Wow, that is mean, Tonya I am sorry, you were right, those girls are mean sometimes, so how bout not being best friends with them. Tonya then goes on to complain how she and her teeters are the joke of every mission. I don't know why she would think that, it's certainly not CT talking about Tonya's "tits" all the time and making honking gestures and such. No way, CT is a respectible male who knows all about where milk, lemonade and fudge is made.

So they do some challenge which seems sorta silly to me, it has to do with plugging up holes though, so that made me giggle. After said challenge they get in their teams, scheme, and then reveal who will be going into the Inferno. The bad guys pick Jodi cause she seems like a blubbering idiot that would fuck up under the slightest amount of pressure. The good guys decide to choose Veronica, who they call the better competitor (I don't think being on 7 missions means you are a good competitor, but she does hang out with Rachel all the time, who clearly loves her [I think we will see this come to a head next episode where Rachel tries to desperately to get the life-saver to save Veronica and prove her love], and hanging around a lesbo's bound to give you some upper hand, at least in softball, and who knows the Inferno could be a game of softball)

Anyways, back to "incident", Jodi is sneaky and changed her vote at the last minute, something that is not not legal, so.... she's real smart right? That's what I thought, apparently others found it to be "schisty". Even my boyf Dan let his claws out, telling Jodi, that he, the reigning biggest bitch in the house, relinquished the crown to Jodi. Jodi seemed nervous about her new responsibilities and cried in the corner. Finally her team showed up to her rescue about an hour to late and gave her some milk and cookies and patted her head.

Oh and Dan also blew up Jodi's spot about being in love with the Miz! Ouch, Jodi, bad episode for you, eh? Well ya know what I say, never piss off a gay guy (remember that fight between Dan and Melissa, phew that one was rough)!

This Crazy Bitch is Gonna Molest Your Dog

Reports have surfaced Tuesday that crazy bitch, Natasha Lyonne, had an altercation with her neighbor in which she threatened to molest said neighbors dog. No word on how she intended to molest the dog or if her desire to do so was due to the incident or if she is just a dog-lover. Now I don't know Natasha, but I am pretty sure she's a pervert who gets off on dog tongue. Regardless this is not a threat to be taken lightly and I think I know why this is happening: because dogs don't wear pants. Their junk and stuff is just hanging out there, so of coarse some freaky bitch, Natasha Lyonne, is gonna get off on that. I think Paris Hilton has the right idea, dogs should wear clothes like everyone else. If dogs are going to be so sexy they need to show some humility.

The Dick Buttkiss* Show!

If anyone has ever deserved a reality show, it's Dick Buttkiss*. I want to know more about the daily life of someone whose name is Dick Buttkiss*, and I think America would agree.

*butkus, buttkiss, close enough

Inferno 2, Sneak Peek: What the Hell Happens?!?!?!

Has anyone scene the commercials for the next Inferno?? Something really serious goes down as even Dan's face turns sober. Also in the ad, Tina freaks out, which doesn't actually speak for the intensity of the situation, but still, something bad is gonna happen. The culprit seems to be Jodie, whom I have never seen before, is she on the show? I am so confused!! Regardless maybe I'll remember her after everyone gets in a circle and pisses on her (which I assume is the "incident" in question).

Dogs Go Wild; Ibuprofen Involved

The residents on Herndon, VA (my parents) were in shock and dismay after returning home from a hard days work to find their two adorable lil' shitzus comatose on the floor. Apparently the small dogs, Diesel and Buster, had been allowed to stay out of their cage all day while their masters were gone; a reward for being such well behaved canines. However things took a turn for the worst when the dogs decided to go wild. Speculation points the finger at Diesel as the ring leader of the duo, a most curious little guy who can resist nothing, not even a bottle of Ibuprofen. This is where our story takes a turn for the worst as the dogs chew through a bottle to get the really gross tasting treats inside. Whether or not the pills were delicious doesn't seem to be the issue in this case, I believe dogs have a sense of adventure and relish accomplishment. I really should not be making light of a situation in which my dogs almost died, but $1,800 later they are fine and hopefully learned their lesson: stay in school and don't do drugs!

***side note: if the saying is "do drugs" and not "do do drugs" shouldn't the opposite "don't do drugs" really be "don't drugs"? Just a thought.***

This Just In: Man Tits Reduced

For those of you who had the privilege of catching "I Want A Famous Face" on Mtv last night, you are now aware of a dangerous affliction effecting American's today: Man Tits! I didn't know men could have teeters, I mean I have had my suspicions in the past, but now I know for sure that there is a difference between fat tits and man breasts. I think now that Americans are aware of the danger maybe we can do something about it. Like lingerie for male hooters, why not make the men feel sexy rather than going through an expensive reduction procedure. Celebrate your nice rack men! Let's all go burn our man-bras in the quad!!!

Breaking Story: Britney Gives Birth to Bat Child

brit3_d
Originally uploaded by superherockstar.

Oh Britney, Way to go! You did it, you managed to guarantee your spot in the public eye for months, probably years to come! Get ready people, this is going to be the longest pregnancy ever! You thought Kate Hudson or Liv Tyler were preggors forever, well you just wait cause America's gonna go Lamaze crazy for Brit!!

Britney Spears was already like a car crash, no one really likes or respects her or even truly cares about what she's doing, but we can't look away. We want to be disgusted so we can turn our heads and be like "oohh..gross, did you see that?" And with this pregnancy thing, it's like the crash site exploded and now dead people debris is on our windshield, slamming up against the door, Oh God, some bloody hair is caught in the wipers, Lord Have Mercy!! How are we supposed to look away now that this hot mess (that's right) is about to spew forth some sort of creature. (I use the word creature because there is no scientific fact proving that K-Fed is in fact a human being).

I wonder what the Kabalah has to say about stupid whores getting pregnant by dirty rednecks??

Scary Coincidence

So usually when I post pictures I just copy their URL address from a site, this means that if that site changes/updates that photo's address then it will be reflected on my site. This would explain why the photo under my earlier post, "Hey Faggots!" which was originally two pretty hot guys kissing, changed to Hitler and a bunch of Nazis, weird huh? Of all the photos for it to change to, a bunch of Nazis.

Inferno 2, Update 5: Ya Dug Your Own Grave, Now Yer Gonna Get Buried!

infernoU5
Originally uploaded by superherockstar.

We say good-bye to Karamo in this very special episode of the Inferno 2. Then Tonya peer-pressures the popular girls into doing drugs and losing their virginity while the Miz and Abraham learn a lesson about the dangers of steroids; though it takes Dave Mira stepping in to teach them all a lesson in love.

Oh Keramo, who the hell do you think you are?! A baby plus a pussy that's what! Here is my major beef with Karamo: when he was on the Real World he thought he was better than Willie and all other gays that were slightly more feminine than him, not that he is not feminine himself, so let's say he thinks he is better than gays that don't try to act as "hard" or as "real and from the streets" as he is, like Dan for instance. But when it comes down to it he is the biggest baby ever! Any other gay guy on that show would have gone straight in the water (black or not). Ya know with the whole Beth issue I could sort of see her side, sort of, but with Karamo all I see is a selfish obnoxious arrogant little girl! That's right Karamo, wanna fight?! Cause CT and I will kick your ass! (and then make sweet love)

Also on this episode the valiant Landon, known for jumping up and down like a four year old, fought an internal battle of courage against the Miz whose alpha male status came under siege. Landon steps up to the plate to save the fair maiden Mike and strike down Keramo in a duel in the town's square. And the knights of the round table, I mean the Good Guys win again!

We'll have to see what happens next week when the gang gets texted on their T-Mobile Sidekick 2! probably from Paris HIlton or someone from Outkast.

This Just In: Stamp Prices May Go Up 2 Cents, Oh Shit!!!

All hell breaks lose as the news spreads of an increase in postage costs. It could be as much as two cents! So now when the three people who still use the pony express scrounge up change on the street, they have to look for two more pennies! This just isn't fair god dammit! What's next? A tax on tea! That's it, I'm throwing all the stamps in the harbor!

here's the link to all the sexy details
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/08/news/postal_rates/index.htm?cnn=yes

Gaaarossssss!!!!

It has recently come out that the wrinkled puddle of a man, Michael Douglas, has just gotten plastic surgery and it seems no one is more excited than Catherine. I wonder where he got the idea??...Maybe from his circus clown of a wife?...Oh, and that expression doesn't go away people.

Reality TV Shocks Once Again

So guess what you guys?! CHICKEN BUTT!! no really, the Barkers, they are crazy and this is by far the strangest reality tv show I've seen in a quite a while. In a recent episode they even show Trey Barker smokin' a doobie before he goes to dinner, and I mean not just imply the reefer, but actually show him tapping ash off the joint. Is this legal? Oh yeah, he's a celebrity I forgot they have different rules. Then he molested some young boys too!

Another CRAZY show is Making the Band 3, last nights episode was non-stop action as a fat bitchy gay guy finally get's what's coming to him: sass-back! I liked his villainous character and will miss hating him, let's take a stroll down memory lane with some of his greatest hits (quotes):
• girl, you are wearing me out
• it's just to much, it's just too much, too much, much, too much....
• you are boring so I'm going to check out my nails
• you are just to much, it's all too much
• [nonsense] [nonsense] girl [sass] [nonsense] [sass]

Oh What A Beautiful Day!!!

Today was absolutely glorious and for those of us in Capitol City, we have forgotten what such a day is like. Bright orange sky! A huge polka-dotted tidal wave coming in from the left. Green debris in the air, it's magical.

No but seriously, thank you Mother Nature for this beautiful day! I guess I'm una have to keep my promise huh? But Mother Nature......I have to be down there for a whole fifteen minutes!!....gross!!! I hope you guys enjoy what I do for you!!!

Hey Faggots!!

No seriously, hello homosexuals!!!!
I just read (via the Gawker) that a new study says that more gay people read blogs than straight people!

Now blogs are gay?! I knew I liked this blog too much for it to be the natural order of things that God intended. I just can't help myself from sinning! Ya know what's gonna happen now don'tcha?! Pretty soon they'll start sanctioning blog-marriages oh and blog adoptions. RobotsVersusNinjas.blogspot.com and I are in love and there is nothing you can do about it Pope, don't even try!!!

NEWS BRIEF: Rob Quits Smoking, Millions Mourn the Loss

It's true, I quit smokin' today, and as we all know you can't quit smoking in a day, but I started the quitting process today and am actually serious about it, So good luck me!!!

And what brought about this sudden change of heart, well the cool kids of coarse. All the coolest kids are not smoking cigarettes these days and if I am going to get into that super exclusive group for beautiful athletic rich kids and win the heart of that girl in the "in crowd" that is really sweet and different then the rest, I'm una have to start fitting in, and that means more run-on sentences!! No, it means no smoking! So cool kids, if you wanna hang out after school behind the science building and not smoke, or go to 7-11 and not get someone older to buy us some smokes, let me know! I'm always available, we can take my Mom's Mercedes!!!

Cigs, I will miss you!!
1998-2005



Oh, I by no means plan NEVER to have a cigarette again, If I'm dunk or somethin' you can bet I'm taking a puff! I might be the coolest member of an elite super crowd, but I'm only human!

The Inferno 2, Update 4: Kiss My Black Ass!

Woah, the inferno is gettin' steamy as the sexual tension between CT and Keramo heats up big time. CT and Keramo both look a little like Orks from LOTR (hot Orks), so that's probably how this love-feast started, but no one knows where it will end. Love? Marriage? Then a baby in a baby carriage?

Besides the two of them going at it, the highlight of the show was when Beth left the show. Why? Cause she's a baby and as Brad said "She talks a big game and has no backing", God I love Brad, he has a way with words don't he?! Speaking of Brad this episode featured some speedo shots (thank you Lord for answering my prayers!) and I think there are some hot shots of Brad's bulge, that's right, bulge.

Also Dan comes up with a stupid plan that seems alright at first and everyone blames him when it doesn't work out, like Dan is the only one that can detect stupid. It's alright Dan, I still love you. Woah, the sexual tension between Dan and I is really heating up! That's right, bulge.

I miss Robin....

Good Ideas....Probably

1. Watch Conair on the Dubbaya Bee and "Go frig yourself", "Oh yeah, frig off, ya friggin' a-hole!"

2. Selling your pope action figures on e-bay, the market is red-hot right now!!

3. Putting glue all over your hands, waitin' for it to dry and then pealing it off, gross!

4. Putting a stop to fi'ty cen' and his bombardment of singles on the radio!

5. Congratulating Justin Timberlake on being cast in an action movie he is clearly wrong for (DieHard 4) just for being the hotness!

6. Making fun of Britney Spears for not making in Maxim (or FHM) Top 100 Hottest Women, Wow, for a former top-ten-er she really has gotten fat and turned into trash. I wonder why the sudden change? Oh yeah, K-Fed! Damn that stinky weasel!

7. Watch Sin CIty about 20 times! Worry about losing limbs. Start wearing full body armor.

Ms. Wheelchair stripped of title for standing up

Now here's the funny part, I didn't make up that headline, it was on CNN.com today. Maybe it's a joke cause it is April Fools!!

Speaking of April Fool's Day, I'm pregnant!!! Oh and in jail Mom (that one always works)