The InFeRnO Update Thirtytweight!!

This week we are gonna do an Inferno TOP 10!! Yes!!

The TOP 10 things Brad would have done had he still not been ousted by the great might of Abraham, slayer of the weak and conquer of....

10. Kiss the Miz...on the lips...i hope....

9. Lecture CT on how it's not cool dog to be "all about da money" and you have to think about your team and share.

8. Take Dan seriously on his confession about being infested with pubic lice and tell other cast-mates "the gay dude has crabs."

7. Think that Veronica CONSTANTLY sucks-in her cheeks like J-Lo and it's ridiculous! If she doesn't stop making that face she's never coming out of her room!

6. Tell that saucy queen, Dan to calm down, he gets prissy when he's mad (don't we all), and get it together for the inferno next week. I'm so nervous...you can do it, Dan!!

5. Pat Dan on the back gently when Dan gets all misty packing up to possibly leave all his newfound pals.

4. Smoke a doobie with Veronica who admitted drug abuse this week stating: "I have no short-term memory, uh [lip-bite] [off to the side glance]" Very suspicious Veronica, very suspicious indeed.

3. Compete in a belly flop contest, very mature the Miz, while baring his butt-ox, like nubile Landon. Then belligerently fight and blame Landon for making him do it, oh, and call him a meathead. That would be a good drunken brawl, the Brad vs. the Landon, but my money's on Landon, I think he might have less nerve cells or something.

2. Watch as Veronica and Rachel sponge bathe each other.

1.The Number One thing Brad would have done had be still been on the show is.....
Take flight and shoot laser beams out of his eyes. - Thanks for that one Dan, we will all be praying for you as you go to the Inferno....which actually happened months ago, so I we're all gonna have to pray harder than normal if we want our prayers to go back in time.

Lindsay Ruins Everything with Her Huge Teeters, Again!

Lindsay Lohan's Tits are too BIG! according to Disney. The producers of Herbie's Full Load on Your Face, I mean, Herbie Fully Loaded, feel that when Lindsay jumps up n' down in excitement that her breasts flop around uncontrollably and heaven forbid they should give fathers who take their kids to this movie any sliver of entertainment. Or maybe they thought it would be inappropriate for a full grown man to pop a boner around so many young children. Regardless they have no prob with Ms. Lohan weighing ten pounds and being a role model for little girls, but those large healthy breasts, they gotta go!!

Exclusive Glimpse into Stupidity

Gather round ya'll! The Dukes of Hazzard trailer is out and it looks...guess what? terrible! It would be better if it were the Ducks of Hazzard cause at least that would be cute, a bunch of ducks driving cars, smashing into each other in little duck clothes. Now that sounds like a good move.

Lindsay Lohan's New Prison Daddy

Lindsay Lohan does an okay job pretending that she's not trailer trash, it could be worse like Britney or the Olsens, but she can't deny that her pops in the slammer. Michael Lohan was sentanced to four years in prison for a knife fight he had with Jessica Simpson and Beyonce's fathers over who was in fact the prettiest. Michael, clearly the prettiest, was the prime target of the rumble and had to shank the other two in self defense, or so he claims. At least all that shanking practice will come in handy in prison. [most of that was lies]

Jessica Simpson Gives Birth to Bat Child; Nick's Shocking Secret

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have given birth, collectively, to a bat baby early Tuesday morning. The child is part bat making either Nick or Jessica a larger percentage of bat. Most likely Nick is to blame for the bad genes, it seems his partying all night with strippers was just too much for Jessica and she most likely put a curse on him making him a bat. Their publicists are still working out the details on exactly what will be done with this freak of nature, but one things for certain, they will definitly lie about it. Other sources also have stated they plan to lie about it, and Jessica and Nick say they will do everything they can to help come up with some good lies. And Nick had sex with a tranny.

There's About to Be a What? Girlfight!!!

It seems Linday Lonhan's ex-dandy, Wilmer Valderrama is a two timing slut (even though they are broken up)! And with Ashlee Simpson, the teen reject of Hollywood, no less! I guess this means that ex-friends Simpson and Lohan will most likely brawl, polly with Jessica and Nicole Riche as back-up. My money is on the Simpsons since those other girls are so very skinny and I'm sure tired and weak from hunger. I can not believe Wilmer is actually going to be the prize in this fight. Does he have like a huge cock or something? cause he doesn't look like it. But seriously there must be something about him that these girls want so badly, maybe he's a drug dealer or has super powers.

PS: Lindsay is a filthy smoker!!!

PPS: Who is that guy?!

Inferno 2 Update 13: Grilled Jesus Fish

This weeks mission made me giggle/chortle, several times. They put the gang on these little motor bikes and had them zip around a rickety course atop the water like clowns. They even gave teams the option of taking a skinnier more rickety short-cut, just in case there were some real clown-cycling experts in the crowd that wanted to show off their stuff.

Tough guy Abe didn't think the short-cut would be that hard, but looks like even pure rage couldn't guide his scooter to safty, and he kerplunct like so many others.
Other losers include:
Jamie, who looked like she was on MXC, drove right of the edge and then everyone said how adorable and cute she looked, which was true;
The Miz, who congratulation is a meathead son, hot-dogged his bike right off the course after the finish line, which I did not think warranted a DQ, but I guess that's what you get for showing off, meathead;
& Rachel and Veronica plopped right in the water like roofies in an unattended cocktail;
Julie of all people also decided to take the shortcut, sure she needed the lifesaver but I think she was more driven by the Lord giving her this confidence that she shouldn't have. It's just the Lord Almighty, he's not going to personally drive the bike for you. You need more than faith Julie, you need skill. She chants "the road to God is straight and narrow" to pump herself up and simultaneously lecturing the heathens (everyone else on the challenge). Of coarse she still tumbles right over because the shortcut is basically impossible and she's retarded.

The Inferno challenge seemed like a pretty good idea for girls, cause girls fight by pulling and scratching so it was sorta like watching girly boxing or something. Tonya wins by a patch and then hoots n' hollers like a monkey.

Then it happens....right after Julie says goodbye to everyone and unpromptedly explains how they will be okay without her, she turns to leave the inferno arena. And right before she walks out the door she puts her hands together behind her back, like a precious moments figurine, then shugs and sighs a bit, does a little hop and skips away. It was the most affected thing I have ever seen. I don't know who she thinks she is, besides maybe a nun or a jesus fish. Well good riddance Julie, and do you know what Jesus would have done? Not lost that's what! And to Tonya of all people! Jesus is mad at you, Julie, so go home and think about what you've done.

At the end of everything Tonya goes out to celebrate her win, but can only find men to go with her. So she grinds on all the guys as they pass her around like a prequel to a really hot gang bang video. Then she gets banged, pretty hard I'd assume. Cause as we all know: Tonya would rather be called a whore than a liar, or anything else for that matter.

Here is a pic of the lucky man that gets to F Julie as long as they both shall live

The Inferno 2: Sneak Peek

On this weeks inferno....

Tonya's teeters pop out and bounce all around.

Landon professes his love to the Miz, who responds, "Don't be a fag dude, it was just a blowjob."

Rachel applies more donut glaze to her lips (not supposed to a lesbian joke, but go ahead, run with it)

Tina's starts talking/complaining again about how she's poor (member when she used to do that a long time ago?)

CT revels he is not human but rather a pig/rhino breed transmutated by the Ooze and that Bebop and Rocksteady are in fact his love children with April.

Abe downs more "roids" and breaks all the glassware in the house.

Looks like this ones gonna be juicy kids, so stay tuned....

Vassar Students are so hot right now!

It seems classic A-list stars, like Sammy J and Tom Hanks, go to only one school to give their commencement speeches, the elite super college, Vassar. The grounds are teaming with celebs so it seems only natural that the most exclusive Hollywood big cheeses would appear before the fashionistas of VC. This sorta reminds me of that dream I had where the Academy Awards were being held at the All Campus Dining Center (AC/DC), but ended early due to a zombie outbreak.

I Get Some Much Needed Advice

While walking the streets of DC late last night a car, full of what I can only assume was mexicans, hollered at me while I passed: "Shake it, [but] don't break it" followed by a bit of whistling. This leads me to believe I was in danger of "breaking it" and therefore I thank these good samaritans for helping a fellow neighbor avoid disaster.

Did Anne Hathaway Pull a Martha?

Was Anne Hathaway accused of insider marker trading? No. But she was accused of not paying up after partying the night away at some fabulous Hollywood event for celebrities, not that I am jealous or anything (Annie, why haven't you called me?!!) I am going to give Annie the benefit of the doubt and say that someone's prolly trying to fuck her over, cause she's a good girl and seems like someone that would pay what she owed. But more importantly Annie did not ask me to be an extra/fluffer in her latest gay cowboy movie starring heartthrobs, Heath Ledger and jake Gyllenhaal. But she did tell me I was hot one time.

I Could Watch This For the Rest of My Life

Check it out! Hayden Christensen, my future boyf, and Ewen McGregor, my boy Friday, are seen here in a passoniate embrace including a lip lock!! That settles it, these two are gay lovers and I don't want to hear a word otherwise.

Fox Makes Some Crazy Decisions

The good people at the Fox Network surprised the World today when they cancelled "Life on a Stick" and renewed "Arrested Development." I do not know what they are thinking over there at Fox, where am I going to get my fast food situational comedy now? I guess I will have to settle for the clever and fresh writing of Arrested Development. Man, I hate witty TV, when will producers learn all I want to see is a midget get married.

Chaotic: The Nightmare that is Brit & K-Fed

Chaotic: A sexy mix of madness and torrid passion as two country bumpkins find love while in the public eye, highlights include:

• Britney makes funny faces; creepy factor: 9.5

• Britney asks co-workers about sex in an attempt to be "edgy" but only succeeds in making everyone uncomfortable.

• Britney tells everyone she meets that she had sex three times in one day with Kevin. I just barfed in my mouth.

• Britney discovers that her knees together look like breasts, then learns her abc's.

• Kevin discloses that he doesn't believe in marriage, unless that is, he stands to make millions of dollars.

• Kevin's hair in completely filthy and not only has he not combed it, he hasn't washed it. And I'm not talking in the candid home movies segements but in his "confessional" segments. Come on, K-Fed you're on TV for Christ sake,

• Britney askes Kevin about Eminem, to which K-Fed replies "he's a genious!" Britney then says Eminem complains a lot, but she thinks it's sexy when guys complain..and don't wash themselves. Is Brit a hippy in disguise? That would explain the skirts, bare feet and no bra.

• Britney shows of her new maternal breasts in a sensible pants suit.

• Brit's bodyguard states that he didn't like Kevin the first day he met him, and then never states that he started liking Kevin after that. He even mocks K-Fed when he is taking too long to leave the room by taunting: "It's okay little buddy, you can come out now." as if K-Fed is a dog scared of lightening. Which he is, scared of lightening.

Inferno Update 12: "Your Sister Was Really Enjoyable"

This episode marks the first time I have noticed a male wearing one of those slogan shirts that the girls wear like, I heart my pussy and Tonya wears one that says switch hitters on the front, and I bat for both teams on the back. Like these girls need to spell it out for us as if America doesn't get it. You're sluts, okay, we know. So, CT wears an I heart backseats ringer tee because i guess he finds it pleasurable to make love in an awkward cramped position. Did they offer the cast a bin of saucy tees at the beginning of the season? Cause they forgot my saucy tee nice piece of bass which I'd like to think is a bit more clever than future M.I.L.F.

Onto the show.....On the after school special that is THE REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE INFERNO TWO: THE GOODS GUYS VERUS THE BAD ASSES Landon shows us all what we looked like those couple times we were wasted off our ass and our friends in the morning were like "Dude, do you remember what you did last night? You don't? Oh man..." And that's why I'm off the hooch!

So first Landon starts a slap fight with Derraliked and then tells him " your sister was really enjoyable" which naturally started a wrasslin' match! Derrick gets seriously hurt in the scuffle and we all learn a lesson about horseplay. Landon then miraculously makes it to the Inferno Dormitory, or Sex Cauldron, and begins his trek up some stairs with absolutely no balance or sense of gravity. He needs to thank the Lord people were there to stop him from spilling his cute brains all over that new mexican style villa. Naturally he passes out and the Miz springs into action writing gay stuff all over Landon's smooth toned back. All of Landon's shit talking, which was silly of him in the first place, comes back to haunt him as the toughest guys on the challenge, Derrick and CT, shave some of Lando's beautiful locks. An unapologetic Landon arises in the morn to smooth things over by letting Derrick and CT give him the action figure hair cut he was so desperately missing. Landon would look great now in like a Rambo outfit, sans the headband.

Of coarse the Miz is going to defend Landon's honor, plus Landon's not as pretty anymore, so the Miz makes a snide remark about Derrick not being able to read. The Miz then tells Derrick "your sister was really enjoyable."

This mission involves boat rowing, which we all know involves a "cox" and a "stroke", no joke. The disorganized and bitter, Bad Asses, tried to play dirty but failed to thwart the Noble and Organized, Good Guys, and we all learn a lesson about playing fair. "I am in a boat full of screaming idiots" states Abe, and he's prolly right.

The Inferno voting is scandalous as usual as the "switching of the vote" rule comes into play again, which should be allowed because it is not against the rules and therefore part of the rules and part of the strategy. But Veronica's a cunt and worried she'll be Inferno bait, so her lesbot bodyguard Rachel goes to interrogate the Good Guys who agree to play by the Bad Asses rule's, cause their the good guys. Julie and Tonya will be going to the inferno next time and I think Tina says it best: "It's the devil versus jesus and I can not wait to see some blond hair get ripped out."

The INFERNO!!! The Who's Who of Who's Left

The Guys

Let me start by saying that all of these guys are sexy as hell.

Update: I Forgot Derrick!!

Derrick - How could I forget adorable lil' Derrick, the drunk guy that can take a slam against the hood of a car and tear off his ear and keep on ticking. What a trooper! However the Miz has brought into question his literacy, discuss.

The Ghost of Brad - I still feel his presence around the Inferno on cool autumn eves, near the bell-tower mostly.. ...sometimes you can hear a faint "son" in the wind.

Landon - Landon claims to be 25, but he must mean in puppy dog years, he couldn't be more than 14. This underage thing must be an issue in his and Miz's love affair and that's why he's lying. Have you seen the way the Miz looks at him? come on...I haven't seen anything this homoerotic since Black Hunks With White Punks.

The Miz - He wears shirts that say "Socialite" in swarofski crystals on the back, and to an Inferno no less!

Abe - Okay this might just be my ultimate fantasy, but hear me out, here's my theory on the Miz and Abe: the Miz prolly tired to put the moves on Abe, but Abe's too straight so he's like "no way", and then bi-curious innocent Landon comes along and the Miz likes to be gay with Landon more, so Abe is jealous. Have you seen the stink eye Abe has been giving Landon. Abe's gonna have to get a lot more gay if he wants to compete for Miz's attention, and I for one think that's a good idea.

Darrell -Did anyone notice I called Darrell "Latarine" on my last post? And no one corrected me? How embarrassing! Well I guess it goes to show, he's boring. Except when he flipped out at Abe, but where's that fire now D? Where's it now?

Dan - "We're all the problem, except for me." truer words were never spoken Dan, you've captured my heart, but turn it down just a bit on the 'tude, you tend to fly off the handle.

CT - This guy is so cool he smokes during missions. Now that's pretty cool.

The Ladies!!

Let me start by saying Jamie is sexy as hell.

Jamie - There's just something about her that lights up a room, don'tcha think?

Tonya -The underdog, Katie if you will, of this season and she's up against some bitches. I guess she was raised in different foster homes and such, i feel bad for her, she should get an Extreme Makeover Home Edition or her ride pimped.

Veronica, Rachel & Tina - Their "Future M.I.L.F." tee shirts upset me so bad because that means one day they will have spawn.

Julie - Even though she damns sodomites she did try to kill Veronica that one time. Par for the course Julie, par for the course.

Shevanda - Hmmm...so she....well....who again?...oh that one...hmmmm...

Coming Soon, Inferno Update 12!!

Teen Crush Exposed; Shocking Photos

Well, while the whole gang was on a road trip we decided to tell Jon about Lydnsy's secret crush on him!! Lyndsy was blushing so bad and the giggles we're uncontrollable, but we did it anyway! So we texted him and then he was totally blushing! I bet all the guys ragged on him. But then Jon's friend picture-messaged Lyndsy a totally heinous picture of Jon with a donut on his head while he was sleeping! What a loser, so it's over between him and Lyndsy.

Has anyone seen this commercial? It plagues my every waking moment.

My One Post About America's Next Top Model

1. The show should be called The Tyra Bank's Show About Tyra Banks. Sure she's hot, but I can't even get to know the other girls cause Tyra's too busy talking about herself and getting all in my face. "Tyra did this shoot"..."Tyra also does this"..."must be like Tyra"...

2. The best part of the whole series is when one of the brunettes gets all wasted and smacks her ass on the window of a van, which most likely had tinted windows (semantics), attempting to show onlookers her top model ass. Now I mean the best part specifically is the smack; there is this "thwack" noise accompanying the bare butt checks making contact with the cold glass that really resonates. They should make it into a ringtone, that sound would always get my attention.

New Study Shows Hicks Drive Pick-Up Trucks

A startling discovery Monday reveals that people whom drive pick-up trucks are less likely the use their seatbelts because they are drunken inbred hicks. They are also less likely to bathe and be literate. I for one am shocked! I always though thought people in the red states were super smart and made responsible logical decisions and that's why they voted for Bush. Turns out hey are reckless drunken idiots that think they are too good for these new-fangled "seatbeats" that all those fat cats in Washington (Bush excluded of coarse) want them to wear. I guess they think God is going to protect them as they are flung through the windshield onto the pavement at 60 miles an hour. To be fair though, God did protect me from that once, but we were doing it.

"Everyone Loves to Raymond" to Die

This week marks the end of the hit critically acclaimed ground-breaking series, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Not only have I never watched the show, but the sound of Raymond's voice puts me to sleep within a minute. The show seems retarded and I have been puzzled by it's high ratings (most likely it had something to do with the red states), but I will ponder no more. The show is over and now I can stop avoiding it like the plague. I will miss you Raymond, you truly were just some guy.

Celeb's Secret Sex Lives!!!

• Pink reportedly is a huge lesbo with man arms. Duh, I knew that a long time ago, she looks too tough not to be a lesbian. I hate to discriminate. but the short spiky hair, the six-pack and matching guns, the pants suits, the NOT trying to be Britney Spears, seems like a lesbian to me. Her girlf apparently lives in London and is the lip-stick one, which makes Pink the dyky one. How is she going to explain this to her BMXing boyfriend, maybe he too is a lesbian?

• Jessica and Nick are rumored to be...well everything from preggers to dead, but I think there is some truth to their marital woes and the couple haven't been spotted together in for-ev! I think Jessica is a huge flirt that never puts out, you know the type, and Nick is sick of not F-ing the shit out of her on an hourly basis, they probably never F, and so he wants to put his image as "high status man-candy" to good use. She prolly just wants to go flirting around, being a cock-tease, while everyone tells her how cute she is and how they love her. However she needs to find better people to do this with than Bam Margera, GROSS! Oh, barf! Seriously gross people! Disgusting! Sick shit, man, sick shit! Bam, I mean come on?! It's embaressing.....

• Cameron and JT have ended their relationship because Cameron Diaz has passed away, quite painfully, last night. I am just hoping if I say it enough times it will come true. "Dear Lord, when you are done killing Veronica from the Inferno 2, could you take out Cameron Diaz and her stupid funny faces. Please spare Justin though as he is a Hot-a-saurus, also Lord, please tell him to get his cock out. That is all, thank you."

This Hot Poop is Blowing My Mind

Thesarus.com seems to think that "hot poop" is a synonym for the word "information". The best part about this is: "new information" becomes "new hot poop", so someone would say "Due to the new hot poop surrounding this case..."

Soup's On Bitches: Sienfield's Soup Nazi to Open Chain

Sweet! I love soup and chowder, and bisque is even better. As long as the soup is super chunky this chain thing just might work, especially if they get some celeb to say the soup diet is in, I'd do it.

Don't you worry, you won't miss out on the soup store, they are going to be everywhere before the year is over, sorta like Chipottle and Pottbelly. Remember back in the day how chains used to grow up and expand because they did good business? What happens if this soup thing doesn't work out and they have like a thousand deserted franchises all over the US. They should put turn them into homeless shelters, cause the homeless are used to eating soup and it would get them out of my hair once and for all!

Andre 3000 Can't Do That On Television

Sir Andres 3000acus has "inked" a deal with bumb badda dum... Nickelodeon!!! I can only assume it will have something to do with SNICK. Member that, member SNICK?...member Eat My Shorts and Are You Afraid of the Dark? or Wild And Crazy Kids? perhaps Hey Dude? May fav, cause I'm gay, was The Roundhouse, member "Down at The Roundhouse where the fun never ends..." Oh what? You didn't have cable...i didn't know man, sorry.

Andre's show will be like a newer blacker Mr. Wizard/Rogers for the new millennium, and if it's not, it should be. He could wear all those loud suits, the kids will love that, and sing songs and share and learn science and stuff. Plus he should have a talking chair like PeeWee. Or how bout a reality show for kids where their peers vote them off; how great would that be for developing self-esteem. Andre is gonna need a tag line though like "You are the weakest pimp, goodbye" or "Get outta here ugly!"

Well this all sounds very exciting, let's get excited! God this excitation is killing me... Andre make the damn show already!

Tom Cruise, Never Liked Him!

Am I the only person (who likes boys) in America that doesn't find Tom Cruise even the least bit attractive?? I mean I would actually turn him down, basically because I turn down 95% of anyone shorter than me, (cause you know me, fighting 'em off with a stick). My point being is he is like 5 ft tall, which is fine if he is playing 5 ft roles, but he's not. He is always playing a bad ass and I just don't see it. I feel like him and the Rock could be up for the same roles, and that doesn't make any sense. I guess you have to be a pretty good actor to act like you have 150 pounds of extra muscle. BTW, I love the Rock, he is hot, anyone agree?

To the real point of this story: Katie Holmes is a VIRGIN!! or so that topless slut claims! I feel like someone who is a virgin is not going to be topless in a movie, I mean she won't even have sex in private for crying out loud. She might be prude, I'll give her that, but she is also a liar. So how are we even to believe she's dating Grandpa Cruise. The second point of this post is that Katie Holmes isn't a grown-up, she still looks and seems to act like girls I knew in high school, I guess that's why she's a frigid "virgin" and this is apparently what Gramps (Tom Cruise) is into, little girls. If this was like Scarlet Johanson or someone I'd be like, "Oh, he likes vampy sluts, that makes perfect sense!" but instead I'm like "Oh, he prolly dresses lil' Katie up in dolly dress and has her bounce on his knee, it makes perfect sense that he go to jail."

My Crush on LL; May 2005-May 2006

Lindsay Lohan getting her boobs out was the last straw, we are over! Though I can not deny that Mean Girls in great and she is adorable in that movie, Lindsay has done a Alica Silverstone, which is putting out a teen classic then completely falling off. However, Alica plumped up, while Lindsay has thrown up all her organs.

Lindsay was plenty skinny a year ago and looked great and healthy, oh and busty. Now she is a tooth-pick mess and looks gross. Hopefully we are going to see a skinny back-lash cause girls don't look good anymore, they look malnutritioned. Ya know who does look good all skinny though is Nicole Riche, she looks cuter and her face is better now. She looks healthy skinny and I think she lost it healthy too with diet and exercise, not starvation. I feel like Nicole can stand up straight and some real skinny girls, like Lindsay, are all slouched over like hunchbacks.

Lindsay's fashion taste also sucks now and wears like hippie-chic stuff. not cute. Too bad Lindsay, you had so much potential : (

Ashlee's Darling New look

Ashlee Simpson copies me, again, by getting an extreme makeover! Doesn't she look great!! Ya know dressing up like this really helps your "punk" image, and now we all know Ashlee has a real personality and doesn't just dress the way people tell her. Ashlee isn't some sort of "faker" she's just a a super-girlie-punk, superficial-goth, deisgner-hipster fashion-plate, that's all.

What Ever Happened to "Mr. Spanky"?

It seems that James Broomas, the creepy man from my Mom's work that only (thank god) eye-molested me, but real-molested a bunch of underage crackhead homeless boys from Montrose, Texas has been slipping on his court order to not paddle and restrain young boys. Spanky was suppossed to stay away from anyone under 18 but how could he when they have such tempting pink nipples waiting to be twisted with a pair of pliers. I would say the only way to stop this pervert's rampage is by removing his genitals, but apparently castration won't work either. We need to deal with the root of his problem. Maybe his temptations come from the humilation of peeing his pants as a child or maybe it's just those damn pink nipples!!

Inferno 2 Update A Zillion: Jamie Looks Cute Even When Crying

Well it's over between me and Brad and I am now going out with the fuck up of the mission, Landon, i just don't let him think. Thank god they don't give these people weapons, cause everyone is either angry or retarded.

Example: Brad goes bi-polar one everyone because his drunken brain was confused, poor guy. The best part about this fight between Brad and Miz is that they had to talk about it in the confessional and how it was all over a "weggie", that alone is totally embarrassing. And their crush was there, OMG! Brad is so totally unreasonable on this episode that I think he lost sexy points and gained domestic abuser points; hence Landon and I are dating.

The mission this episode was super sweet, for a second I thought I was watching Grease. I was worried no one would plow through those tempting smashable glasses, but of coarse my new boyf, "Lando" ruins it for everyone. Thanks Landon! Give him a break, he probably thought he was playing with his toys.

This episode marks a special reunion for Tonya and those terrible girls as she hugs them and relishes being in the in crowd. Veronica defends herself in the confessional of coarse and states that she is just being nice to Tonya for the good of the team. More like those girls lost their whipping girl and didn't want to turn on one another, well turn on Veronica-she's next in line in the pecking order. So now those girls got to reel Tonya in just a little so they can kick her down again, sick fucks.

At the Inferno Brad loses, boo hoo! and Latarine goes CRAZY cause Abe was talkin' shit. I don't know why Latarine was talking shit, Gladiator Abe was so scary in the Inferno, I kept thinking how I was glad I wasn't Brad and whether he suffered any internal bleeding. I guess Latarine is confident in his skills, or maybe has a sword or something. Latarine wasn't the only one touched by Brad's departure, lil' Jamie puddin' pie was cwaying, her lips in a pout, eyes sparkling as tears moisten her soft cheeks...anyways she's hot.

We'll miss you Brad, you truly are hot, sucks you were so creepy right before you got voted off.

Blog Gets Extreme Makeover

The homely Pure Prattle has a new summer do folks! Numerous complaints that the blog wasn't "sexy enough" and that it didn't "put people in the mood" led to the sudden change. Now I think we can all agree this blog makes you horny. Thanks Ty Pennington!

K-Fed; Mentally Retarded?

It seems Kevin Federline is taking himself pretty seriously these days when he claims to be bigger than Jesus, I mean, claims to be the next Eminem. He is actually in the studio recording an album!! I know what your thinking: Is this a sign of the apocalypse? maybe. What I do know is that Britney and Kevin live in some delusional fantasy world, cause if they lived in the real world they would know that Kevin is the definition of lame and anyone loosely affiliated with him would get their ass kicked. Man, I can't wait to hear exactly what it is that Kevin has to say, it's probably just the world "shit" over and over again.

As if the album isn't gonna be enough to embarrass ol' K-Fed, he wants a reality show to follow him around while he makes this masterpiece. Wow, it's like he's never looked in the mirror and realized he's a stinky weasel. K-Fed you're blowin' my mind.

The Letdown of the Century

Leave it to P. Diddy to blue ball America. His Making the Band 3, previously referred to affectionately as MB3, season finale 'twas a sham and I suspect P Diddy is in cahoots with someone. . The motherfucker didn't even make the band but did manage to jerk those poor girls around some more. Aubrey is not to be tossed around, she is to be held gingerly and caressed.

After making some superfluous cuts Diddy sends all the girls home for four months to prepare for Hollywood with the two Bs of success: Bulimia and a boob job. Aubrey basically looks totally different when she comes back and she's the color of a paint swatch I might paint a study in, ya know, sort of a smokey tan.

He then gives them like two days to warm up and get back into the mad cruelty that is making the band. Diddy continues to torture them by demanding they sing the worst song ever, Jojo's Get Out, in front of him while he two-ways, the bad asses most likely, on his sidekick. By this point the girls are very hungry and are most likely going to kill themselves if they lose and he picks no one. He does however graciously let three girls through to the next round to do everything over again, only to be eventually booted by the great P. Diddy.

There is a silver lining to this however, more Making the Band and more sexy Aubrey. But now he's untrustworthy, how do we know he's gonna ever make a band. I think that forgein girl said it best, P. Diddy needs to go to Hoopitar (Jupiter people, sound it out..)

Also on this episode:

P. Diddy makes more racial comments and compliments people by calling them black.

He calls two girls fat and actually gets mad at one of them for not showing her stomach cause "Diddy don't play that." She should have learned the two Bs of success.

This girl wears an "I Beat Anorexia" T-Shirt, which I guess is meant ironically since she's clearly malnourished.

Special Guest Editor and P. Diddy's New Ho: Tiffany Thompson

"Fallen Idol" Cory Clark; Head MILF Hunter

Who saw the gripping documentary "Fallen Idol" last night? Show of hands? I did! And I was shocked and appalled, but not by the alleged affair with Ms. Abdul, but rather that Cory Clark is releasing a CD! One of the songs is even called "Paula-tics" in which he even uses Paula's line "Straight Up" in the hook. He sounds like a squirrel and his dreams of stardom are pathetic. If he wanted people to listen to his music then he should never have started this controversy because he will never be taken seriously or be anything more than Paula's bitch. Chances are they made sweet sweet love or that Corey has been studying/stalking Paula for the last two years so he can make his story plausible. Regardless, I don't see what the big deal with this story is anyways, I gave Ryan Seacrest a bj in a bathroom one time and you don't see me writing a book about it...well at least he told me he was Ryan Seacrest...now that I think about it he was black....

Brad & Angelina Have Loud Wild Sex

Someone, probably me, says that Brad and Angelina were bunking together in some African location when hotel staff thought there was some sort of skirmish or scuffle in Brad's room. They rushed to his aid, only to realize he was pounding the shit out of Angelina Jolie, who left the next morning, to seek medical attention no doubt. I bet Angelina is a loud bitch and I bet Brad loves it, way to go you two, you must have the hottest sex ever!!! And Brad and Angelina if you guys are ever looking to swing...I'm just saying.....

Pray For Your Periods Ladies, America's Got Pregnant Fever!

Everyone, Tina Fey is pregnant and due in Sept! This means we have little time left to enjoy her before she's "all about the baby." She'll quit SNL, you know she will and that sucks cause I really like her and she is oddly really sexy. Well, bye Tina Fey, it was fun while it lasted......

MB3 Countdown: 2 days!

Don't know what MB3 means, loser? Well check Making the Band 3 out!!

This show is so hot right now I can't stand it! My previous post and the yellow journalism over at The Neurotic Monkey's Guide to Survival I think is a testament to that fact. Here are some more facts:

1. Aubrey rocks the house.

2. "the fact that the black and latino girls can't dance is a disgrace to their culture", no joke, that's straight from Diddy.

3. That tall girl with all the wigs will probably make it, and it took me a long time to realize she was really one person switching wigs, constantly, like from take to take.

4. After Friday 15 minutes will be up and we will never see these girls again.

Inferno 2 Sneak Peek: Gayness to the X-treme

This next Inferno is going to be the best one yet! The Miz and my boyf, Brad, get into a drunken rumble over giving each other weegies. The Miz even says "Brad tore off my underwear!" Then Brad stumbles around screaming with his crotch blurred out (shit I need to get TiVo by Monday) and calls the Miz a meathead, cause Brad certainly is not! Is this the way straight guys fight? Cause it's turning me on, I might have to go talk some shit I'll be right back.......
....turns out, no, that's not how all straight guys fight I'm una go ice this and buy a TiVo..........

Viagra Versace

Donatella Versace, a pumpkin with blond hair, is probably fuming mad that those damn pharmaceutical companies named the most popular allergy medicine ever after her beloved high-fashion debutant daughter, Allegra Versace. It seems to me that even before the allergy pill hit the market, Allegra obviously sounds like some sort of medical condition and you should never name your children something that even borders on being a possible clinical term. Some other celeb mistake names include, but are not limited too:

Apple (Gwen and Chris): At least there will be a sense of irony if Gwenth's baby ever gets eaten.

Coco (Courtney Coxucker): Also a sense of irony if eaten.

Maddox (Angelina Jolie): Sounds like a gas pill, how embarrassing.

Banjo (Rachel Griffiths): Hey, your baby is a walking joke, assuming it can walk.

Chester (Tom Hanks): That's a dog's name, crazy!

Rocco (Madonna): This is the name of a cheesy cartoon tough guy, for someone who calls themselves Madge and Esther you think she'd know better.

Prince Michael Jackson Jr. & II: This makes total sense, name your children the same thing and just number them, I mean they are just there to be touched anyway, why learn their names. Who gave this man children?! I want answers!!!

Inferno 2, Update 9: No Seriously Lord, Please Kill Veronica

My God, do I hate those three girls! Rachel, Veronica and Tina are like mean girls in high school, which dose not work outside high school and they need to stop. This episode reminded me of a "Goofus and Gallant," the good guys doing everything right and winning and being productive and sharing....and the bad asses taunting and mocking team-mates, snapping and finger pointing, lecturing and condescending.....'twas ridiculous.

I honestly feel really bad for Tonya, I kinda like her, even though she fought with Robin's teeters. She did fine on the challenge and those girls called her a nightmare and mocked her for saying she had rock climbed before, basically breaking down all her confidence; good idea team! Then she's ta Veronica, "was that alright?" and the bitch doesn't even respond. Later when Tonya defended her self just slightly they laughed in her face. They claimed them being mean to Tonya was an issue because Tonya was making it an issue, that's weird and makes no sense, idiots. Apparently Tonya is a "walking time-bomb" liable to go off after weeks of being harassed by the plastics. My God, I hate those girls so much, and Dan says it best: "Today is not the day for me to listen to yelling women." In less of coarse it's Monday in which the Inferno will be on.

Some other highlights include:

The Miz getting racked in the balls and not even crying about it, don't his balls hurt? it looks like they should still hurt.

Are we, the viewer, not supposed to know that T-Moblie paid Mtv to make them keep announcing their phone? or are we supposed to be in the dark cause it's so subtle?

The Miz is upset cause the other team isn't scared of him. He thinks Landon might be getting some spotlight, but don't worry Miz, Landon doesn't have the mental cunning that you do. I mean you're less retarded.

The best part of this episode, I think we can all agree, is when Dan goes "Your Welcome" all sassy at Tina. Way to go Dan, you truly are the hero of this episode!

Join us next week when two star-crossed lovers go head-to-head! hee hee hee, the Miz and Abram get gay on the next Inferno 2.....

Special Bonus, Adults Only!

Hey you guys! I have had such a high demand to find the naked pictures that every self-respecting girl from Road Rules Real World naturally takes, that I found some links for you perverts.

Trishelle, Real World, & Mary Beth, Road Rules

Tonya, Road Rules?

Katie, Road Rules

Arissa, Real World

The Motherload: Flora, Veronica, Beth & Someone Else

Vanilla Ice Dun Nat: The Story of a Hot Mess

or Vanilla Ice Throws People Under a Bus
with a helping hand from Ricki Leigh Jones

Millions of Americans sat silently this weekend as VH1 aired "The Remaking of Vanilla Ice" about thirty times. The whole hour is really a griping saga into the mind of a hot mess. Let's get started shall we.....

Appearance:

He gots to rock the backward hat [that says Dirtbag] ,dog, that's just how Ice does it; and the lip ring and sleeves are to make sure he don't look like Kevin Federline, damn stinky weasel. I'll tell you why Ice rocks the backwards cap, dog, cause he has bangs!!! sorta like a little dutch boy, it's ridiculous! Maybe more ridiculous is his "OPEN" "WIDE" tattoos on his fists, that is truly ridiculous. He is so Fred Durst circa '97.

Musical Ability:

A classic rhyme from Remaking, "Put 'em on the glass, check out that white ass." is only a sample of Ice's unbelievable skills. "You guys have fun workin', I'm gonna have fun jerkin'!" this quote should be put on my tombstone, way to go 'Nilla! Here's another: "You can still train, and do Mary-Jane!" oh, there's one for the kids. "I wanna know where all these goddamn bitches are right now, that's all I wanna know!" well that's not a rhyme but he does say it. On his new single he even uses lyrics from one of his older failures, which I believe says something about "hot cars" and "dun nat" and stuff being "so gay."

Personality:

sucks!

The Spectacle that is VH1's Remaking:

Ice starts out this show that is supposed to re-make his image by firmly stating that he is not changing a damn thing and "it's not about the image, it's about the music", my favorite cliche of all time! Thank God Vanilla says this at least a baker's dozen times to everyone he meets, insecure? no, never! Even stranger is that he says "I don't want to throw anyone under a bus here, but..." right before he tells everyone he's not going to change. Is that his constant threat to people? like "watch out I will throw you under a bus! I don't want to, but I will!" In which case we should check all unsolved bus accident files.

Ice's team of make-over specialists try to clean-up his clothes and hair, but he wont cut the bangs or change out of that Prozac shirt, I think he is the one person that would wear K-Fed's upcoming line, damn weasels. Ice claims he "was turned into a novelty act back in the day" and he doesn't want to be too "radio" now, as if he is was under a spell back then or something. Why is he so embarrassed about being Vanilla Ice? If he could just get over it, we could all move on and stop being so uncomfortable about the whole thing. But he won't ever, cause now he has true musical talent the he just must express and that's why he's back in the biz. He just can't take it anymore, people must have access to his fattest of rhymes.

Perhaps he needs some counseling to get over these issue? Well VH1 agreed and sent ol' Nilla to some group therapy where Vanilla welcomed everyone and I really think opened up. Right before he called everyone gay. Ice refused to participate in an activity where a dudes crotch was at his eye level (crazy man!) cause it was "so gay" and since Ice is totally secure with his masculinity he won't participate. He was eventually asked to leave group therapy for being a douche bag and did some more refusing-to-change with a one-on-one counselor.

I think he also met with some choreographers who he of coarse sassed and lectured.

Vanilla then goes to a jam-sesh with his band and yells at his drummer like a little bitch. I would feel sorry for him, but he's Vanilla Ice's drummer, so......he quits two days after the "concert" Ice puts on anyways. Shit soon hits the fan as a promoter puts out flyers with an old Vanilla Ice photo, Ice then throws a whirlwind of a tantrum, kicking and throwing and demanding he find the goddamn bitches responsible. Watching him try to assert the authority he clearly does not have, cause even the promoter for his own show knows he's a joke, is absolutely priceless, The concert he eventually puts on is of coarse horrible, but he does jerk off the mic stand in one routine. He raps really slow too, it's weird. He says "Kids want to hear the lyrics nowadays." Thanks Vanilla Ice for your professional opionion on the kids nowadays. If he really knew what the kids wanted he'd stop being "so gay."

Humor Returns to TV

For those of you lucky enough to catch Family Guy and American Dad can join me celebrating the return of Seth McFarlene to network TV. Welcome back Seth, I wish to make love to you! Seriously though the world was waiting with baited breath to see whether or not these shows would live up to the expectations of the hardcore fan base that wants to lick Seth's genitals. And yup, I would lick his genitals all night. Even American Dad was funny, especially the gay jokes, which I la-ha-oved!! And that annoying alien was even enjoyable! Phew, that was a close one for American Dad too, that first episode was awful!

Keep up the good work Seth and maybe I will lick your genitals one day....

Update: I understand people are under-whelmed with Sunday's shows, but I stand by story.