The Oscars Far Less Interesting than Fred Durst's Penis

It's true! Fred Durst's bland penis actually tops all the excitement from last night's Oscars, which were a snoozefest. X-tina should be present at all award shows and host the entire night and dance in the corner of the screen during commercial breaks than maybe the Oscars wouldn't be as lame as Aaron Carter (who better watch out!). It was interesting that they sweat Beyonce so much, or maybe I was watching a Destiny's Child concert. With Beyonce, Chris Rock and Star Jones playing major roles in the festivities it seems America is finally realizing that white people are boring (myself excluded) but even they couldn't save the night. Ya know what could have improved the night? Ritual sacrifice of the Riverses (I know cheap cliche shot, but still a good point).

In short: Oscars 2006 All NUDE!

Fred Durst Has a Skinny Penis

For those of you who haven't checked out thesuperficial.com and haven't seen Fred Durst's penis, you aren't missing anything, except for a funny face that Durst makes and a pretty skinny penis. Hey Celebs! Stop taking naked pictures of yourself! Or at least don't be upset about it, and assume everyone will be viewing said naked pics. But thank you, I love naked stars' genitalia in the nude! Even if you suck (Fred Durst)!

Eminem Writes Another Song About His Daughter

Look, Eminem, no one cares about Hayley or how you only have feelings for Hayley. Listen, we all think its adorable that you have a softer side and you love your daughter, you should, that's your job as a parent, so shut up about it!! Also if you buy a pet for your child and it doesn't behave exactly how you want, its probably not a good idea to murder it in front of that child ("i'm uh break that birdie's neck" - from MnM's hot new single). Basically, what happened to you Marshall, I used to really like you, know you pretty much suck, did Hay-Hay put you up to this?

Demons Living Amoung Us? Makes Sense.

Okay, I think it's absolutely tragic that this man, Clarence Moore, thought it was necessary in his crazy head, to murder his children for some reason. I hate kids too, but come on. It seems every week there's a new story about parents killing their children, what ever happened to fathers just walking out on a family and doing irreversible physiological damage?

This story however is different. At the end of the murderous rampage Clarence SLITS HIS OWN THROAT. Wow, could you imagine slitting your own throat. That's a horrible way to die, and that was his first choice. How 'bout a gun to the head or something immediate like jumping off the roof. This guy must have had some serious bloodlust, which leads me to believe he must've been possessed by a demon of some sort (i've seen almost every Buffy and the facts add up)

Then yet another story surfaces today about a 7-month old child that was sexually assaulted. This sick sick shit must mean only one thing: demons!! Well looks like the battle between good and evil has finally begun. I for one know Tae-Kwon-Do so I'll be totally fine, but the rest of you, I suggest you slit your throats now before things get any worse.

Oh, and BTW, both of the assailants in these cases were under 25. Way to go Mtv generation and the future of America!!!

More About Paula Abdul

God, I must really like her, posting her praises all the time. This time it's her age. Is she 50? There was a comment by Simon on last night's American Idol that would lead me to believe as much. Does this mean she's my Gandma?

Grown-Up Enjoys Happy Meal

WASHINGTON - To those of us that enjoy a good culinary creation, we understand how important it is to demand a plastic toy accompanying this experience. And no one knows this better than 22 year old Washingtonian, Tiffany Thompson. Recently, reports surfaced that Tiffany was in possession of a My Little Pony about half the size of the popular childrens toy, when questioned about said horse, Tiff-Tiff revealed that she had in fact received it with her happy meal, a meal that was both delicious and substantial for a grown woman of almost six feet. Though many of us associate happy meals with persons under five, this does not stop Ms. Thompson who claims this is a common occurrence. "A bite of hamburger, three fries and a swallow of Coke, what else can a career woman on the go ask for, besides, ya know, a toy?" So it seems Happy Meals are a complete and satifying experience, but things aren't all bubble-gum and roses for this fast-paced life style. Reports of gender discrepancies have been reported all over the US. Tiffany weighs in on this boy-girl mix-up, stating "What am I going to do with a Mini-Booger-Monsters Series action figure, brush its unruly green hair?! They should stick to Sponge Bob toys that everyone can enjoy!" Good point, Tiffany, good point.

Korn Guitarist finds God, Leaves Band

Finally, someone from Korn has been molested by the pope and seen the light. Molesting is good, so good, who needs music!

Burger King Gives Me a Bonner

This just in: inappropriately sexy commercials released by Burger King. It's true, BK Bitch used to mean one thing: A Brooklyn Slut that loves to ride dick, but now BK Bitch could refer to those sexy fit hussies that appear on ads for a fast food restaurant gyrating and squatting through the whole 30 sec spot. For those of you that haven't seen these girls beavers I will explain the commercial. There is some music and maybe some male actors, but I don;t remember, what I do remember is Tits and Ass!! There is this one pair of teeters in the commercial that has some fringe on them, those ones are pretty good. My fav chick is at the end she's like working one of those railroad movers that you pump up and down and up and down and up and.... oh and she's wearing hot pants. So basically everyone run out and gets some BK so they will think these spots are working and make more of 'em, maybe even one with cowboys, mmmmm........

The Pope Can Go Fuck Himself

Actually, the pope can NOT go fuck himself or else he would join the new "ideology of evil", but since the catholic church loves hypocrisy he probably will go fuck himself. The pope most likely has no penis however, so this might be tough, rumor has it his wang was bit off by a pre-pubescent alter boy, By now I am sure you lovely readers have noticed some tension between the pope and I, and that's because he sucks and for some reason damns the homosexuals, whom we all know have so much to give us. But really who is winning here, some guy that prays all day, or me, who gets to have man-sex. You decide.

Poughkeepsie, The Small Town That Could

Poughkeepsie, the small town with a heart of gold, America's sweetheart! The New England foliage against the worn brick buildings reminds me of a quaint town in a time when things were simpler. A time when people rode horses instead of driving cars and ate stuff that came from the ground rather than from a store. And that's what makes Poughkeepsie so special, most residents are too poor to drive a car (or own a horse for that matter) and usually eat stuff off the ground. Poughkeepsie marches to the beat of it's on intoxicated overweight barely educated drummer wearing JNCOs that just arrived at the local mall. I think this is why on the Daily Show last night Jon Stewart's guest thought it was necessary to imply that Poughkeepsie was the best city in all of America, and by best I mean worst. Does this guy not like popular 80's style bangs do? or morbid obesity? What's wrong with violent drug addicts roaming the streets? Is it filth he has a problem with? I just don;t get it I was there for four years and the worst thing that happened to me was getting molested by a group of retarded people, and that's not that bad.

Desperate Housewives Ups the Sexiness

For those of you lucky enough to catch last night's Desperate Housewives, you will already know what I am talking about, that's right, hot man-sex. The show has introduced a new sexy gay character that has already had his shirt of in at least two scenes and outed another. But what's the best part about this gay romance? They're underage! Nothing I loved better than forbidden fruit! Get it fruit, gay, forbidden gay, it's called a pun people, work with me here.

The Church Cracks Me Up

So apparently 1,000 new reports of gay molestation have been reported against the Catholic Church, and their stance: to ignore it and continue to damn homosexuals. I love the world we live in, everything makes sense and is totally logical. I'm sorta horny, I think i'll join the Catholic Church! Mmmmm...priest dick....

More about Nicole Riche & Mtv Shows

It has recently come to my attention a certain bitchy blog has some unkind things to say about PurePrattle. Check it out here: http://robotsversusninjas.blogspot.com/. Am I threatened by this blatant attack on everything I stand for? Yes, quite frankly. I might even cry like a girl, again.

But before you take the side of a stupid idiot, let me expose Neurotic Monkey Productions for what it really is: an underage prostitution and drug trafficking ring. Are your school children in danger of having teen sex with drugs? If Neurotic Monkey Production's gets it way, then fo' sho! This Robert Dean, chief editor of said blog is also a drunken pedophile who bathes rarely and usually is hideously deformed. I also have unconfirmed reports that Dean had a stint in the hospital for auto-erotic asphyxiation complications.

As for his comments about my grammar and spelling, I'm only four years old, so I think i am doing pretty good.

As for Nicole Riche, I am really worried about her, she is working herself too hard and is getting really skinny. Hollywood when will you learn!!!! Oh and Mtv shows are the crewsh!!!!

Robots versus Ninjas at blogspot dot com, watch out! This, aint over (i'll probably give you the clamps!)

Britney finally gets sassed

This is a quote from CNN.com about another quote. It is in reference to Britney being a baby about photos of her Honeymoon being leaked, and it's great. Also Britney should start her own magazine and call it "Dirty Washed-Out Celebs with Double Chins" (working title). Check it out:

In a statement Thursday to The Associated Press, the magazine said: "Coming from a celebrity who sold pictures of both her wedding and her stepdaughter, it's unlikely the issue here is privacy. Could it be that Britney is seeing red after not seeing the green from these photos? Britney Spears should start a magazine if she'd like to dictate her own coverage."

Libra's Beware

This is verbatim my, well all Libra's, horoscope for today, from the Express:

"Your concern for your own safety must be paramount, for there may well be hidden dangers lurking just around the corner."

Great, well now I'm freaking out! Way to go horoscope writers, you guys are douches. Next time how about "Unimaginable riches are coming your way." or "You will have lots of rough sex today" something like that.

This Just In: Gays Come in All Shapes & Sizes?

Oh yes, it's true. You might think all gays are retail whores with spiky hair and an affinity for tight designer jeans, but some of 'em are different. Some of them are even foreign, that's right, other countries have gays too. I am confused however, how can another country besides america have enough pop culture to keep these gays alive? (We live on pop culture you know, thank god with Brad & Jenn & Angelina as well as the train wreak that is Britney Federline and the Olsen Twins, US gays are stronger than ever) But yes, I met some Irishman the other night, a couple in their late forties who looked to much like my Dad's golfing friends for my liking. He spoke in his little Irish accent about....well..i dunno...drinking probably? He also tried to touch me a little, all in all, it was pretty gross. I walked away with two schools of thought on the subject. 1. even a foreign accent can't make you sexy, but it'll get you close. 2. Gay people from foreign lands are laking the gay skills that us Americans have seemed to hone. Do they get Queer Eye over there?

We're uber famous!!!

Finally, I am super famous, and why? Cause I have a blog. That's right, blogs are so hot right now, it's ridiculous, I can't go anywhere without hearing about a blog, or gay porn, or blogs & gay porn for that matter. So what am I going to do now that my blog is so famous? Cover it swarofski crystals of coarse, that'll look good. Peace, losers, I'm off to hang out with garflog and other fancy blogs!

What Ever Happened To: Lady Luck

This is my first installment of "What Ever Happened To" a series in which I pose the question, What ever happened to...? So what did ever happen to....Lady Luck!?!?! Remember her from the commercials, she looked like a homeless women or crackhead with a wand. Not only did she try her best to put herself together and look sexy even though she was homeless, she also had an accessory. I think her example could really updated the looks of all those swine (homeless people) we see covering the streets of every major city. First of all, homeless chicks, try throwing a skirt on, who cares if it's tattered, that could be hot. Secondly, homeless people, get an accessory, it'll be adorable and make you stand out from the crowd. So then you can be like, I'm not giving my money to umbrella guy today I waiting for Monocle-Man. See, adorable! That's it, today after work, I'm passing out top hats!
Oh yeah, what ever happened to her anyways, she was a great spokeswomen. I will tell you what happened to the Snapple Lady, she's fat.

Poop Party

I had the pleasure of watching the television yesterday and I was more than disturbed when I witnessed one commercial in particular. It was for some fiber-packed product guaranteed to make you "regular", finally such a product exists!! But that's not all, this commercial featured three men walking into adjoining stalls on everyday of the week, then the voice over stated "Don't you want to be one of the regulars" implying that they all go to the same adjoining bathroom stalls every work-day morning and poop together and this is a good thing. I believe on one of the days they might even high-five each other. This is gross, high-fiving over poop is gross, pooping with some next to you is gross, pooping when someone knows you're pooping is gross and pooping next to someone who knows you are pooping and you also know that they are pooping is gross. My main point: I think pooping is an alone activity.

DIrty Words

For those of you who've seen Crank Yankers, you'll feel me on this one dog. Whenever they say someone's name on the show (who is not the prank caller of coarse, their names are always like Booty-Smaker or Retardo or sumpin) or a company they bleep it out, so it when someone answers the phone "Hello, this is *bleep* with *bleep*, can I help you?" it sounds to me like "Hello, this is pussy, how may I help you" Or like "This is big dick with fuck hut" This is cause the only time I hear bleeps on tv is in place of a curse word so my mind immediatly fills in bleeps with dirty words, thank you mind and conditioning!!! Training me to think of curse words, that's sweet of you, but I would of come up with them anyways Dick-Ass why don't you suck a cock, pussy-bitch!

Big Day Small Town

I was doing my normal CNN.com routine this morning when I came across an article about Valentine, Nebraska. The only noteworthy part of this piece comes in the first paragraph. According to the Chamber of Commerce Director of Valentine, NB, "We do it up pretty big". Who is in charge of Commerce in Valentine, NB, fity cent? Big Ups to everyone in Nebraska, i'll see ya'll up in da club, tonight! Pass the Cris you crazy Nebraskins, g-g-g-G Unit!!

The History of V-DAY!

Once upon a time, someone, perhaps St. Valentine, decided that there should be a yearly date in which couples could reflect on their relationship and analyze and scrutinize every little part to see what kind of relationship they have and what sort of celebration is fitting of this relationship. Thank you, St. Valentine!! It's not like humans need any more excuses to f-up relationships, now you are going to make it mandatory that everyone label and compare them. Sure many relationships are obvious, and there will be dinner and appropriate gift on V-Day, perhaps love making, but what about those ill-defined relationships? Do you go out to dinner, do you get a gift, and what if you don't? Does that mean you don't have a real relationship? And why am I forced to think about all this? St. Valentine!!!! That bastard is making me put undue pressure on a relationship that I was trying to just ride out and see what happens, but I can't, not on Valentine's Day, on Valentines day I am forced to plan how I am going to feel that day in advance. At least I have some chance of sex having!! Oh and I might also receive a gift or some candies, delicious! St. Valentine, you'll alright after all, ya limey bastard!

America Shame shortage

Shame hits an all time low as Mtv launches yet another in a series of uncomfortable classics humiliating already sad individuals, this one is about the sweet sixteen birthday parties thrown by wealthy gen pokemon kids (you know the kids turning sixteen now are the kids that grew up playing pokemon and that's weird) and it's sick! I won't go into the details of why its so bad, my main point is why does america want to see embarrassing people, I understand seeing someone embarrass themselves, that is different. When you embarrass yourself you trip or spill something all over yourself or fart maybe, and that is really funny. But just being embarrassing and having a horrible personality is totally different and these people should probably be......well....on TV where I can mock them, So way to go Mtv more nerds playing basketball and people getting plastic surgery please!

Paula Abdul, Druggie or Idiot?

Recently, Paula Abdul appeared on the Daily Show and found it hard to keep her head up and her eyes open. Is this perhaps beacuse she is on drugs? Yes. It has been confirmed by at least four or five of my friends that she was acting really weird, and not a drunk weird, because that would lead to more of a rambling loud excited speak, and this was more of a loss of throat control brain malfunction speak. She also sorta repeated things to herself a bunch of times like "oh yes, oh yes, oh yes" and nodded her head in a steady rythm throughout the entire interview, which actually points more to her being a robot than a crackhead. But she is defintly either retarded, a crackhead or a robot, that's for sure.

Nicole Riche Rich!

I read this thing about Nicole Riche and Paris fighting, and I think its about time Nicole shedded the deadweight that is Paris Hilton and become the media darling that Nicole really is. She is way more entertaining then Paris, and her sordid past makes for the juiciest of gossip. If it were up to me, which it should be, I would put her in a reality show where she has to turn a rag-tag bunch of kids into the championship soccer team. Now that's what I call entertainment.

Lookin' Forward: 2005 IN & OUT List

The anticipated IN& OUT list for 2005!!!!!!
IN -- OUT

Apache indians ---- Pacific islanders
Telegrams ---- The Internet
The moon ---- Saturn
Celebrity Pokemon ---- Celebrity Spokespeople
Eating your vegetables ---- Muscle atrophy
Hot sex ---- Lancing boils
Jousting matches ---- Pistol duels
Flowers ---- Dirt
Urinary track infections ---- Bowl movements
Pick-pocketing ---- Terrorist attacks
Any other show ---- Mad Tv
Super smores 3000 ---- Regular ol' smores
Cock rings ---- Penis pumps
Those "do not eat" packets ---- Foam peanuts
George Washington Carver ---- George W Bush
Salty Anal Weiner Burgers ---- Ballpark franks
PETA meetings ---- PTA meetings
rash spending ---- rational financial decisions
telekinesis ---- the phone
4th grade ---- 3rd grade
butterfly kisses ---- eskimo kisses
oral sex with a priest ---- telling

2004 A YEAR IN REVIEW: BOOBIES!!!!

2004 was a great year for the boobie. It seemed everyone who was anyone had a nip slip, the term "teeters" rose high atop the slang charts and the only thing more desperate than the housewives, were their horny husband drooling on the TeVo. But what sets this year apart from any other year full of A-list nipple scars and horny spring break coeds? Silver sun medallions on the nipple. What a genius, truly genius way to spice a rather stale time honored tradition of the breast as the corner stone of lust in this country. Recent years have introduced the internet which in turn introduced us to the convenience of 24 hour porn and boobies, consequently, and all in the comfort of our own homes. Why turn your head to look at some possible boobies on TV when you have two hot Tai girls rubbing their teeters together on the computer screen in front of you. Boobies needed a new plan, a fresh look, if they were going to make that ultimate TV comeback. And that's just what they got. Thanks to Janet Jackson, and her pioneering spirit, the boobie had a new hat and everyone was noticing, but how could we not the medallion was reflecting light in our eyes.

Rob Cries Like Little Girl

Little Girls everywhere were envious this morning when Rob showed them all up with one of the greatest and most awesome cries ever. One witness said: "I thought it was a little girl crying, I mean that just would have made sense." But that on-looker wasn't ready for the shocking revelation before him, it was Robert Farish, a young resident of Washington DC, that was giving all those little girls a run for there money. He was crying, he was sniffling he even did a couple stamps in what looked like it could be heading towards a tantrum. No clue as to what made poor little Robbie start to "cawhy", but one thing is for certain, he is a little girl.

DC Blog Sells Out

After careful consideration a deal had been settled Thursday morning between a DC blog and many major American enterprises. Chief Editor Robert Farish made the following comment at a press-conference this morning: "We at Pure Prattle don't see this a "selling out", selling out would be ordering two medium double melt pizza for only $9.99 from Domino's. Now that deal is crazy!" Robert then reminded the crowd "That deal includes your choice of two toppings at no additional charge!" As the reporters scribbled down details in their notes it occurred to one local reporter "Does this amazing deal included a 2 liter Coca-Cola Classic or Diet Coke?" "Yes, yes it does" replied Farish. Even with this incredible offer from Dominos, Pure Prattle, insists that is business as usual at the DC office and "Even if this deal is only available for a limited time, so act now, the Blog is committed to real reporting and real savings! Dominos Pizza!"

Rapper Snoop Dogg Breaks Perfectly Good Plate

When fourteen year old Alice Swanson took advise from rapper, Snoop Doggy-Dog. she never realized it would land her in so much trouble. "The song told me to Drop it like its hot" a confused Alice states as she sits in her room for one possibly two weeks as she waits out the remainder of her grounding sentence. A hot plate of supper was the victim in this series of rapper violence. The plate had just been microwaved with left-over chicken from the night before and consequently became very hot. "When I went to pick it up it burned a little, and I remember what Snoop had said so..." states young Swanson. The plate hit the floor bursting into two maybe even as many as four pieces and left-over debris went everywhere. Perhaps young Alice Swanson and Snoop Dog will think twice before ruining another perfectly good dinner plate.

Farish, Spells Tumultuous Correctly

It was a cold day on Thursday, February 10th when Robert Farish, a young graphic artist intern sat down at his computer to type the word "tumultuous". Robert having full confident in his spell check program decided to mash into his keyboard an assemblance of letters that might tip off the super computer to his desired effect. Mr. Farish was almost blown back when he noticed the word he just typed was lacking a red-dashed underline. Mr. Farish had spelled the word correctly. "I couldn't believe it, no way was it right. But it was and for the rest of the day I felt great. I had really done something with my life and I will never forget it." boasted Robert. Perhaps this is the being of big things for Mr. Farish, so as we turn towards tomorrow the nation holds it's breath.

Farish, Running for Baby New Year

Though years of tradition has deemed it necessary for Baby New Year to be a newborn this year a 22-year-old seems to be the top candidate. After careful consideration the Baby New Year committee concluded that not only was Robert Farish's butt-ox smoother than a babies, he also looked better in the sash. There is still however a couple weeks before the new year and in years past this has been a highly coveted title leading to tumultuous battle for the crown, or sash as it may be.

Some of my most intimate thoughts

I > Since people dress their dogs up like little babies, when I have a baby I am going to dress it up like a dog.

II > I feel ready to have a baby, if the baby is ready to be naked and hungry (or to be wearing a dog suit and hungry).

III > What exactly does the name Destiny's Child imply anyways? That, Destiny, this untangible abstract idea, had a human baby, which actually turned out to be three hot black chicks!?! Some things aren't adding up here, I've crossed checked some files here and it seems never in history has an abstract idea given birth to three black chicks, but whatever. Anythings possible I guess.

IV > In this one matchbox 20 song they say "maybe you'll see a different side of me" and it sounds like "maybe you'll see a different sodomy", priceless!

V > Have you noticed this inventive numbering scheme? I have and I think I know why it died out: Cause it's silly

VI> Sweeping is the least fun and most frustrating thing ever. First of all, all it does is move the dirt around, it doesn't remove the dirt from anywhere, that involves a dustpan. And the dustpan is the worst. It's awkward and it is never completely flat against the ground and then you have residue, and I hate residue.

VII > Aaron Carter and his "Party" are, by far, the definition of lame!!

VIII > My boss put this on his formal dinner inviataions: "Bring a guest! (please limit the number of republicans)"

IX > If I had a car, I would drive it straight to your heart, j/k, i would drive it to the mall or use it to get some errands done.

X > I am really poor right now, and it makes me want to yell at beggers all the time and be like, "No, Can I have some money from you? No? What a surprise, then you can't have any money from me!!!!" Everyone knows those homeless people are hood-rich, it's obvious. At least in DC they are, they were tims and burberry.

Bird's fly south for winter

but find the area to be to "preachy" and go to Canada.

Dreams about Ponies

I had a dream the other day that I had to take care of a pony in the office for my boss while he was away (in real life my boss has no such pony). And I remember in the dream being like "this pony is so well behaved, it's not even trying to eat anything." then at that moment in the dream the pony started to eat some paper, and I was like "well it still seems pretty well behaved", I mean my office is pretty tiny, certainly not big enough for a pony. Bet you guys wish you were having dreams about ponies don't you. Well they are not all they're cracked up to be, I didn't even get to brush its sparkly hair or shine its moon gem on it's haunch, we did talk about boys for a little bit though.

Terrorists in possession of the Force

It was discovered late Wednesday that certain pockets of Iraqi insurgents may be in possession of the Force. For some time now the US has been well aware of the immense psychic power that the Force could unleash at any time and done nothing to prevent what could lead to intergalactic battle. A group of marines found at least a dozen light sabers in a warehouse in Bagadesla and what seems to be a bundle of tattered cloaks. Intelligence is unsure where and how these rebels would have received the force, but they are sure Yoda and some British robots are somehow involved. President Bush made the following statement this morning "We must protect the Death Star against this rebel forces at all costs!" There might be a bright side to this matter however, because it is still unclear whether or not they plan to use the light or dark side of the force.

Welcome to the future of nonsense!

First of all can I just say that I feel realeaved that mores popeles get to see my mis-speeled words! Secondly, I tried to find the gayest blog template they had and this is it. Come on people, you can do better than that. Thirdly, I hate republicans so if you are a republican and reading this, fuck you! oh, and stop reading.

Now to some real substance: my new girlfriend. You can see her here: http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/02/09/teacher.charged.ap/index.html. She is very beautiful and I just hope she gets out of jail soon so we can be together. BTW, that kid has got to be the coolest person in school right now.

Also, Marica Cross is to a lesbian, she might not know it yet, but she is.

I almost forgot to mention that this blog is going be used mostly for made-up news stories.