Two Things, Two GAY Things

#1 - There is an exercise tape called "Queer Abs" which I guess is marketed towards us fags. The only problem being when I watch tapes of guys with 6 pack abs I usually masturbate furiously, not do crunches.

#2 - The Matchbox 20 guy that just recently got cute, Rob Sumpin, is a SCIENTOLOGIST!!! And as if that wasn't bad enough he is rumored to have been founded rolling around in bed with none other than Mr. Crazy himself, Tom Cruise. This was all discovered by Mrs. Rob Sumpin and apparently sparked this whole Katie Holmes spectacle. Any truth to this matter? You'll have to ask the aliens in the volcano.

Oh No! JT Can't Hold His Liquor (pronounced Lick-ore, cause he's rich)

Recently the illustrious Justin Timberlake was parting at some super-trendy uber-exclusive celebrity-hot-spot for famous people when he got so drunk, off of drinks that probably cost as much as my rent, that he ralphed all over the bar!! The rich and beautiful were so shocked that most of them spilled their Apple-tinis all over their Chanel frocks! Then they had a money fight and killed a commoner just to watch him die.

Goings on

• The voices of Piglet and Tigger both died basically at the same time this weekend. Death pack? I think so.


• Wal-mart heir dies in a plane crash. The plane seems to have crashed because it was purchased from Wal-mart.


• Paris Hilton's popularity seems to be dwindling recently. Even her over the top sluttiness is boring people, and now that she's getting married maybe her 15 hours of fame will finally be over, let us pray.


• Brad Pitt and Angelina are I guess in love for real. There are new intimate vacation photos appearing weeks after the release of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, so I doubt they are for promotion. Why don't these two love birds just admit that they have the hottest sex in the country already so we can all move on.


• Needent you worry about lil' Jen Aniston though, she is shacking up with Vince Vaughn! If, that is, he can stop making jokes about how he's scattered and flighty for long enough to insert the penis.


• Corey Clark embarrasses himself again! This time by having a food fight with his manager, his manager of coarse being a broom-stick he dressed up in a hat and his Dad's jacket.


• Bush's approval rating is going down people! What can he do? ...he could try condemning sodomites some more ...or douse the Bill of Rights with holy water ...of coarse he could try to get some of the democrats on his side and kill himself, I approve of that!!!


• Avril Lavigne gets engaged to that guy from Sum 41. Good idea you rich and young celebrities, get started on your string of failed marriages as early as possible.


• Marcus Houston, best known for his role as Roger on Sister Sister (right?), just might get naked for Playgirl! You can guarantee I will be following this story very closely and bringing you hourly "Marcus's shlong" updates. You're welcome.


• Also, Tom Cruise does some more weird stuff, but even I can't keep up with his crazy.

Case of the Mondays! Boo!

I've got just what you need for the Monday Blues, check out this comprehensive list of exciting Monday activites... only to be done on Monday... JUST MONDAY!!!!

• Write an e-mail to Mtv complaining that the new season of Laguna Beach is exactly what's wrong with America. And ask them for new Pimp My Rides, I am sick of watching repeats!!.


• Use a taser on yourself, that will snap you right out of the doldrums of Monday.


• Track down the Batman Begins sequel's production staff and get them moving. What will that sequel be called anyways (Dean - could you please answer that), like Batman Continues? Batman What's the Hot Poop? how bout Batman Hold the Holmes, I think we'd all like that, get outta here Katie Holmes! Shoo!


• Try to trick Lindsay Lohan into eating something, try candy cigarettes.


• Sing a song to your office, they'll like that.


• Collect evidence that Colin Farrell did or did not sleep with that drag queen.


• Pluck Colin Farrell's eyebrows, and if you can't find Colin, write him a persuasive essay on why something must be done about those fuzzy caterpillars.


• Go over office safety guidebook.


• Skip work and watch a whole day of judge shows and thank the lord you are not arguing with your grandmother over $150 cell phone bill.


• Check out photos of NYC's Gay Pride and wonder why most men don't look like the shirtless 300lb body builders they show in the parade and then remember that steroids are illegal.


• And last but not least.... Shuck on me ballz!!!!

EB (expository bulletin)

• Commericals!

  There is this one commercial (so I like to blog about commercials, Whut?!) where this guy from a car dealership is driving this small girl around in the back on a van, and don't get me wrong it's an adorble commerical, but why is the kid taking a test-drive? As if a two-year old's input is important to the car buying process. If you think I am going to let my children make $30,000 decisions you're crazy.



• Innermost Thoughts

  It just hit me the other day that it's only at matter of time until we're all on a reality tv show. Who knows which one, that's basically the only thing left to ponder. I will eventually be on reality tv, i am thinking The Real World so that i can get on the Inferno, and maybe like a True Life: I'm a Slut or a Made where I want to do something I am clearly ill-suited for like being a construction worker. I did have that cameo on the Ashlee Simpson Show already, you know, that one where I smacked her in the face.



• Fake News Story

  TJ Maxx sells very last No Fear shirt, finally. "I thought they stopped making those in like '96" states one confused TJ Maxx shopper. "I heard Marshalls ran out of them six months ago!" comments another. But the proudest are the Maxx employees, Loretta Carson found the last sale to be personally inspirational, "When someone makes 4 millions terrible and ugly t-shirts getting rid of them all seems like an astounding feat, and we did it!" Congrats TJ Maxx, although there is a huge burnt pile of cloth behind the stores and I think some of the charred swatches had those cool flaming eyeballs on them...sounds suspicious!



• Celeb Wrap-Up

  Cameron Diaz, after all these years, finally gets punched in the face. And by none other than some no-name latin-spitfire with huge fake tits and a broke face. There truly is justice in this world and I think God is making it up to me for this whole "Christian Broadcasting Network" scandal.

Are You Kidding Me: What The Fuck Is This World Coming To? I Think It's Time For Mass Genocide Folks!

I am not easily offended, as a matter of fact I find most offensive things quite humerous. This link to the Christian Brodcasting Network I do not find humorous at all. Apparently Christians find homosexuality to be 3.75 times as bad as murdering another human being. This is seriously going too far and it is sick. Thank God murder is so cheap cause these people need to die so that this world can be a better place. Oh yeah, and FUCK YOU TOO CHRISTIANS!!!! (and republicans)

Please write a quick e-mail to these fucks at info.aid@700-club.org for me won't you. Here's an example of what I wrote:

" You honestly think homosexuality is 3.75 as bad as murdering another human being. I feel really sorry for you guys, and for your clergy, they must be broke at these rates.

I hope you seek mental help,
Disgusted in DC "

The Fizneighzle INFERNO Update: All Shall Perish

First of all, let me just type that it has been a joy writing these Inferno Updates. I was worried about the show at first because this has been the first season without Coral. But, it just goes to show there will always be a "Coral" on the RW/RR Challenge, be it one person or three.

The Good Guys have won most of the missions and going into the final one their team has three capable males and only one girl. The Bad Asses on the other hand have like twenty bickering head-cases bent on mayhem. So far I think Good is winning over Evil, so let us see how the final mission goes shall we...

Awwhh.. the episode starts out with the last shameless product endorsement for the SideKIck 2, and then the last time Mike says something in that creepy wrestler "Miz" voice. Then, in the grand tradition of these challenges, people start freaking out about the "puzzle." What is with all this puzzle talk? Every challenge people are always talking about "puzzle people" and how nothing matters but the final riddle. I am so glad these people are confident in their mental abilities, maybe if they read something other than Men's Health and Vogue they'd be better prepared.

So the final mission turns out to be a triathlon, with "an open water paddle to the shore," some biking and finally "a foot race" to the freakin' puzzle. The Good Guys are really lucky that Shevonda wasn't there cause Lord knows she's no foot-racer.

So they all suit up in their bathing vestments for the last time and the Good Guys get off to a good start even though Jamie is not paddling at all. As for the Bad Asses however, the boat rowing really sealed their fate; it is their ultimate weakness: team work. I smell trouble... and Oh my God, Tonya plops in the water like a contestant from the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, the asian Inferno. And... Oh wait, yup, the blooper reel continues as Tonya takes Derrik down with her. At this point I was expecting CT to drown Tonya, but he'll prolly just donkey punch her later.

They all seem to bike for like negative two seconds and then it's onto the jogging, the distance of which was given to the audience in kilometers for some reason, as if we have our conversion charts out or something (but i think it was like 3 miles). Tonya continues to suck on the jog and actually has to be carried, boy she sucks and i take back all my feeling sorry for her through out the season. I would like to do a time trail of this final mission to see how hard it really is. I wonder if I would be a Tonya or a Landon, or probably more like a Rachel/Miz. But I'm not doing a fucking puzzle at the end, fuck that!

The Good Guys reach the end first and begin the head scratching. Landon lays down and takes a little nap cause he knows this is "grown-ups" time. Jamie says a bunch of stuff but no one is listening as usual and those other two monkeys check each other for bugs. And all of a sudden, they win. What was the riddle? Was that it? What just happened?

So it's over, and they all get Gatorade! Except the losers, they get urine, stale urine. Congrats G-Guys enjoy your Tvs and such and they actually won a good bit of $$ cause they only have to split it between 4 people.

Well goodnight all, and may the Inferno 2 rest in peace. But beware, Tonya will still throw your clothes in the pool, son. Now let's all hug.

This Just In: David Spade to Get Own Show

Oh God No!!

What is with David Spade anyways? He acts like he is this pimp or something, even though he is 4ft tall and has lustrous girl hair. As a matter of fact he is a spitting image of Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the only thing missing is those loud suits Carson always wears. Of coarse I am sure this new show will match the sophisticated comedy we have come to expect from Spade, let me guess... he is a creepy sex-addict that constantly hits on girls that are so far out of his league it becomes humorous.

Tom Cruise Bukakked

For those of you who have seen the clips of Mr. Cruise getting shot in the face with a huge load you can join me in snickering at the phallus that squirted in his eyes and mouth. Sources say Tom was shocked by the warm liquid sensation and thought the taste was a little salty but found the whole thing oddly familiar. Tom suspects aliens were behind the prank and has since pledged 12 billion more dollars to Scientology in the hopes it will keep him safe from the volcano people, crazy bastard.

Bulletin of Expository Reports

1. The BackStreet Boys love God, but most of all they love the clergy... in their mouths.


2. Nicole Riche's "beau" DJ AM used to weigh 324lbs and has since had a gastric bypass surgery and lost over 150 of those lbs. Apparently Riche and AM has starting dating before the surgery which could explain her parallel weight loss. If your lover drops over a hundo and a half that has got to put some pressure on you. First you think you are dating a fatty and you can let yourself go a little and next thing you know he sheds a person. Talk about being a showoff DJ AM, no matter how much barfing Nicole does she'll never lose a full grown male of 5'8"


3. I feel as if Mariah Carey keeps acting like she is making a comeback, as if we have no choice about her coming beck. But she didn't really go anywhere, except maybe to crazytown, but didn't she already "come back" from that too?! And what is with this Mimi thing, did she make up that nickname? That's right up there with Madge and Esther.


4. There is a show on TV here in in DC called "God's Will & Grace" I can't even begin to go into why this is so funny.


5. STRIPSEARCH continues to be my reason for living. Jon is quite possibly the most genuinely strange person on reality TV. I hope he never gets eliminated because he is fascinating to watch. He's unpredictable and volatile and always escalates the situation to make sure everyone hates him. Though Jon is crazy, I am a bit surprised by all the behind the back trash talking done in this house (it's like someone is about to go into a women's Inferno). Who would have thought a bunch of pretty boy beefcakes could be so bitchy (one of them should throw Jon's clothes in the pool). My boy Brain manages to not get all catty, but he does get pretty angry when he lectures everyone on keeping their cool. Brain also looks like a dinosaur, his faux hawk isn't helping either, but I think that's why I like him.


6. My heart sank on Kept this week when Jason got kicked off, I thought he was "going to become Jerry's kept man." But that's what he gets for making out with the whore bait Jerry tricked him with. If he had just made out with some random sluts like Ricardo and Slavco he would have been fine. Oh Slavardo, you sly foxes better smarten up before your eliminated, you should try not talking.

How is "TomKat" Gonna Keep This Up?

Everyday I tune into a new report on how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are incredibly weird. And now they are getting married, are you kidding me! Why are they blowing their load so early? What other strange things could they possibly come up with? Believing that aliens are the savior and that religion requires constant surveillance (and tons of money) is just the tip of the ice-berg. I mean this girl is a virgin (weird), had some sort of unexplainable mouth fungus (really weird) and ruins every movie/show she is a part of (now that's just sad). And him, where do I begin? First of all he needs to stop doing drugs during talk show interviews, secondly he needs to grow. And he practically held his own Bachelor to find Ms. Holmes, and then Katie was totally into it (which speaks volumes for her).

I know she has always had a fantasy crush on him, but fantasy is not reality. It would be like Brad from the Inferno tracking me down and forcing me to make love to him, sure it sounds great, but he would prolly call me "son" or fart or something and ruin the whole mytique. So here is my advice to Katie: "Grow-up you weird little girl and stopping having sex with your grandpa" and here is my advice to Tom: "Stop giving your money to a cult and stop being a pedophile and start being semi-normal again before you reach MJ creepy status."

That is all.

Jessica Simpson: Not a Whore Allegedly

So I guess Bam Margera did NOT bang the shit out of little Jessica and neither did Johnny "so fucking hot" Knoxville. It even seems that Bam's ex-girlf might not even be his ex-girlf and Bam and her actually cooked this thing up together so they could sell their story to the tabloids. Good idea Bam! This way no female celebs will ever trust you and you'll prolly get sued by the ever-pissy father Simpson. If I were Jessica I would be so mad, I'd probably fill his house with foam or build a moat around it or something. Then me and my dirty friends would prolly pee on something and throw it at each other.

Side Note: Why is Johnny Knoxville such the man? Is it cause he is the least stupid of his friends? Is it those eyes and those lips? Actually, it's probably the shades.

Inferno Update: It's Clobberin' Time, Sans Dan, & With Extra Tonya

Woah, by this point in the season people are just fighting. Even good girls Shevonda and Jamie show their dark side on this episode. Too bad Shevonda had to go home just as I figured out who she was and developed an opinion about her, and that opinion is: she sucks.

So guess what? Team Voltron (Those bitches: Tina, Veronica and Rachel) tease Tonya until she can't take it and when Tonya tries to retreat they go follow and confront her by laughing in her face. Following someone only to laugh at them to their face is the meanest and most annoying thing I can think of. It's not even intelligent or biting, just annoying. I mean anyone can do that, as a matter of fact I'm gonna see how strangers like getting laughed at on the street, I will report my findings later!

Then the Good Guys pick poor Tonya to go into the Inferno. What about Tina?! Seriously, why hasn't anyone thought about how much Tina sucks or Rachel or Veronica even, it's just not fair!! And the Bad Asses, after much deliberation and bickering choose Shevonda. They argue about it forever, as if either one of those girls doesn't suck immensely, my four year old cousin could beat them... in a battle of wits... or an obstacle course (and she falls down when she walks sometimes).

The mission has to do with lowering your heart rate, which seems a bit subjective to me but whatev'. Don't people have different heart rates? What do I know, I'm no heart rate monitor at Giant that I used to play on all the time as a kid cause going to the grocery store when you are a kid is super boring...

So Shevonda and Jamie (who I believe is wearing some shades from Oliver Peoples alla Jessica Simpson) go up on this contraption to freak out Tonya, and it works. I know it's part of the mission, but I feel these girls are being mean specifically to Tonya because everyone else is and they desperately want to fit in, I dare them to have their own beef with someone and confront them rather than kicking a dead horse (Tonya). What has Tonya done to them? Go find your own battle girls cause you just look pathetic. However they do scream at the top of their lungs which would mess me up too, so good idea girls!

I forget who wins the challenge, but who cares, the point is Shevonda goes home and Tonya stays, cause honestly she deserves it. For the final mission I think they should give Tonya some weapons and have her stalk and kill the cast in a creepy mansion, doesn't that sound good? Or have the guys see who can be "the most gay", yeah that'd be great too.

"Getting Gay" Proves to be Stiff Competition

Landon is soooo hot

CT is the hottest frowny-face guy I know

Landon's bulge and those annoying guys from Kept

Another Expository Bulletin

CELEB GOSSIP!

Jake Obsorne is on his way to not being morbidly obese; notice I said: "on his way." Still, that fat ball of lard has now graduated to fatty status, which is a step up. Maybe he won't be the ugliest celebrity anymore, but someone pretty ugly is going to have to come and take his place.

Jack-o is not a child molester, allegedly . I know the courts acquitted him, but he is still a creepy mother fucker who likes little boys until I see some evidence otherwise, like a tape of him not molesting sweet sweet boy ass. I'll tell you what is not helping his case: his nose. Look at his nose people, and he did that to himself. He can not be trusted.

Alica Silverstone got married to another hippy! Good for them. I still wish she would barf up all her food and make more Clueless movies, but I guess I'll have to reenact that myself... in my apartment... alone.... with my dollies. Shit, did I just type that? How embarrassing; I wish my delete key worked.

Paris Hilton calls everyone who likes her a "loser." She says quote: "These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this [-in reference to her party friends/industry peeps/fans]." God Paris, I can't believe you used to like being worshiped by everyone; I bet all your money is lame too. I agree with Paris, I hate those losers that think I'm cool! I'm gonna only hang out with homeless people from now on. They never pretend to be impressed by my fresh scent or fancy education, all they care about is alcohol and sandwiches. Now tell me what's so "loser" about that, nothing, that's what!

Tom Cruise and his Scientology give me the heebie jeebies. He believes that there are aliens trapped in an volcano. I think he's playing to many video games..they'll rot your brain ya know.

Jessica Simpson and her walkin' boots need to quit being so sexy before all of Hollywood catches a blaze. However I can not condone this stupid movie she's in. It's a so stupid!

TV!!!!

Six Feet Under has been really creepy this season. With Clare droppin' 30lbs and Rico being a creepy stalker and pathological liar, oh and crazy George and crazy Billy, this season just makes me upset. The entire show I am just waiting for someone to freak out/throw a temper tantrum, and they do. But I don't want to worry the whole time I watch the show, how about something good happening to one of the characters.

Stripsearch continues to be my main reason for living. I MUST make love to each and every one of them, some with a bag on their head, but whatev'.

Kept is a great example of how trashy, but great, reality shows get a group of mildly to really attractive people together and force them to take their clothes off. Which is why we need more reality shows!! Especially if they have such delightful villains as Slavco and Ricardo, those beautiful bitches.

Ciara's Little Secret

About two weeks ago my cousin Lindsay suggested that Ciara used to be a man, to which I scoffed. A brief scan of the world wide web showed nothing of the sort, so I dismissed this silly rumor and recommended my cousin for a series of shock treatments.

But it turns on it's all true. I saw it on VH1 even. Ciara is a hermie! Now it's just a rumor, but most rumors about herms are true, plus she is very muscular. The good news is now that she's a man we can finally start dating, yes!!!!

The Inferno 2, Update Feventy! Bye Dan, Hello Little Bitches

The world was shocked on Monday as poor wittle Dan had to leave the villa and go back from whence he came.

The world was a little less shocked when CT and Darrell showed that they are in fact little bitches and regard a small amount of money as paramount above friendship and good sportsmanship. (To be honest I don't think I've ever seen a bad sport's men ship....BTW: that was a terrible gay joke in case anyone was confused).

I think that Dan is a cool guy and a great role model for us gays! He doesn't try to be "gay" all the time and say "girl" and stuff. But he's not ashamed of his homo-heritage either and doesn't try to be a "meat-head son" like so many self-deprecating Homo's. And he succeeds in being a clever and likable character and also someone whom I think has a good set of values and can lay the smack-down, but in an understandable way. Dan, you will be missed and it seems you already found a new job hosting Real World themed shows, way to go!

CT on the other hand is basically a dick and while he is hot I don't see why anyone would want to have sex with him. He seems like he would fuck you then reveal behind a curtain all his other dick-head friends pointing and laughing at you as they throw eggs at you. Okay, that might be a bit exaggerated, but anyone who has relations with him should be ready to deal with a heart-less selfish pig-ork with a temper. Too bad I know a bunch of girls that are into that. So way to go CT, once again you succeed in having things your way while being a horrible human being. What ever happened to Karma? Oh what? He got kicked off weeks ago? That's Keramo silly!

Darrell also showed that he can be a dick, and I for one was surprised. I thought he had some team spirit cause he flipped out when Abe was mean to Brad. He is just prolly sick of Miz and Landon making out all the time, so I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Also on this episode:

• Abe? Was he there? I don't remember him being on this episode...hmm...
• Shevonda sucks! I can't believe $10,000 (shared, but still) can't motivate her to do a light jog, stupid bitch.
• Rachel sorta sucks at the missions, anyone else notice that? She's just riding that lesbian thing. Come to think of it, I have never even seen her have lesbian sex, how do we even know.....
• Way to lose the mission for everyone Veronica! Too bad if it was Tonya they would have all burned her with cigarettes and locked her outside for the night. Poor Tonya. Speaking of Tonya looks like it's another "Tonya freaks out" episode next week. I hope she is on every challenge, I am really gonna miss her.

New Study Says: Get Off Your Damn Phone

So, apparently these new abstruse "hands-free" devices that allow users to talk without actually holding the phone isn't making people any safer on the road. I wonder why? I know that making dinner reservation or dealing with a stressful conference call while wielding the controls to a 2-ton death trap helps me concentrate on the safety of others. Besides, why do I need to concentrate on the road anyways? Isn't the car the one that's doing all the "driving" so shouldn't it be watching where I'm going, duh? It's already enough that I have to actually wait to get to my destination, now I have to pay attention to my surroundings, no thank you! That's it, I am officially taking covered wagons wherever I go from now on...I'm gonna need to stock up on pairs of clothes and salted meat before I try to cross the river though, shit always goes down when you try to cross a river...uhp, see, I told you, Beth got Typhoid.

**side note: If you don't get that last reference picture yourself in 4th grade. Okay, are you getting it? Think harder.....

Eminem Officially Stops Trying

This new song of his is the worst/stupiest thing I have ever heard. He needs to stop cause he is clearly not trying anymore. Perhaps K-Fed should take over as the "new Eminem", even K-Fed might make a better song. Might.

Macaulay Culkin; From Cute Kid to Weird-Looking Drug-head

Child star, Macaulay "I think I'm so fucking cute" Culkin, has already received his just desserts for being an obnoxious child-star (these desserts being that he is funny looking and has permeant black eyes) but now even more revenge is in store! Looks like Culkin is on probation cause he loves the weed and the Xanax, which I am actually prescribed and I never take it. So clearly Culkin wants to be just like me! I for one am flattered but we are going to need to do a lot of work on him if he's going to reach my eye-candy status. Maybe some microdermabrasion and some under-eye cream for starters.

PS: Culkin was in headlines earlier when he repressed his memories of Michael Jackson twisting his nipples and bobbling his scrotum in front of a grand jury. The repression was in front of a jury, not the twisting and bobbling. A least I think.

Is Paris Pregnant?

Did those two Parises make a little Paris?

I have read one report which says that skinny bitch is due in December, but it seems like America would see this as a matter of National importance and probably put it as the main story on CNN.com. But it's not. So is this slut's vagina finally going to be used for output rather than input? Can someone tell me! Cause if so I am writing my congressperson about creating a bill that prohibits bourgeois "town-bicycles" from getting pregnant for tabloid appeal, especially if they have the same ridiculous name.

Also Man-Paris's dog's name is Peter Pan, was this planned (since Paris's doggie is Tinkerbell)? Or do these two just run on the same moronic wavelength?

Inferno: It's a Comin'

Woah, this next Inferno looks scary. CT turns to the dark side and lashes out at Dan, he even gets all in Dan's face doing the "what?!" move (ya know-chest out, arms back.) Why does CT think he can fight his problems away? I get that he would totally be king of the jungle back in pre-historic times, but people no longer hunt for sustenance. So I think he should stop thinking he's so great just cause he's terrifying. But boy is he terrifying; so g'luck Dan against CT and in the Inferno! Will Dan's sharp quips get him out of this one?

The Pure Prattle Expository Bulletin

TV

New Six Feet Under episodes begin Monday; let us all rejoice. But alas it is the final season; let us all unjoice.

The New Real World is about to start and I can't wait to watch a marathon months later out of lazy desperation. This will be a perfect primer for the cast-mate's inevitable appearances on the RWRR Challenege. Will they be Shavondas or Tonyas? Hopefully not an Ace...another Brad would be nice...

Da Ali G Show, despite being really obvious can actually be clever and funny. Here's a classic moment:
the scene is a table full of drug paraphernalia
ALI: "So all these drugs are addictive and illegal? Then how come Pringles are legal, even they admit, 'once you pop, you can't stop.'"

Beauty and the Geek is a long time coming, finally there is a show for the whole family. This one is a must see, I'm not even sure how to describe it...captivating maybe.

STRIPSEARCH!!! I gar-un-tee I will watch every repeat of this show that is ever aired. And masturbate.

Kept: "Do you want to be Kept? Come live in the lap of luxury." That's all I can think about: Jerry's voiceovers. 'Tis a descent show though.

Celebs

Jessica Simpson has allegedly "f-ed" both Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera to which I say a respective "Yah" and "Nay." Bam's bitter ex-girlfriend spilled all the beans on a radio show and confirmed earlier reports from Bam's dad that Jessica is a tart. She also said Jessica is "as stupid as she looks," which is fine just so long as she's not "as hot as she looks," cause then she would have third-degree burns all over that smooth toned body of hers.

Jessica Alba wore a dress to the Mtv Movie Awards that was see-through and her absolutely perfect and beautiful breasts were reveled, including a nipple sculpted by the Lord above.

X-Tina goes shopping for video games cause she's the coolest, way to go X-tina!

Cameron Diaz did not kiss that guy and she is pissed! Consequently, she is suing the National Enquirer, because it is high time people knew that magazine embellishes its stories and stop trusting it as the Nation's finest news source.

Angelina Jolie was voted the most beautiful woman in the World, the WORLD people!! (#4 on the list: Sofia Coppola. What?) Poor poor Jennifer Aniston, that has really gotta hurt. If she was ever worried that Angelina was prettier than her, she may worry no more.

Chubby Bunny Turns Fatal

Whose fault is it really that some 6th grader choked to death while playing Chubby Bunny at school? Is it the teacher? The School Board? How about that bitch that couldn't handle her marshmallows. Come on people, there was this one fat kid at my lunch table and we used to stuff him full of all kinds of stuff: chicken nuggets, grapes, pennies, anything we could find really. And if he had died that would be the price he paid for trying to impress us. So I guess we should blame this incident on the media for making kids think they want to be "cool". So don't be "cool", kids, or partake in any activity in which a freak accident could somehow occur.

Bobby Brown Skips Out on Child Support

But more importantly the women actually wants the child support from Bobby which means she has to admit to fathering Bobby Brown's children. Sure the chick could get some cheese, but can you put a price on self-respect...well you can, but it's higher than whatever Mr. Brown in paying in child support.